How are your family effected by your relationship.

[Janedoeissad]

My family treat me the way they did when I was in the abusive relationship now I’m with a new man.

They avoid calling me when I’m with him. If they call and I say I’m with him they get all fidgety and end the call. I get the feeling they don’t invite me places because they don’t feel ill be allowed to go.

When I bring this up they say that they do that as they don’t know what my new man is like but they have all met him at least once.

I feel like my decisions about relationships aren’t trusted. That they feel this guy is the same when nothing could be further from the truth.

Anyone else had this?

[ISOPeace]

I haven’t started dating yet so I don’t have experience if it. I could imagine it happening though. I could imagine my family being overcautious and meaning well, but having no idea that it could actually make you feel bad. Sometimes people feel a bit worried about something and then jump on the first solution they can think of, and don’t take the time to consider whether it’s the best option, because they’re so relieved to have thought of a solution. I guess I’m trying to say that it could be that although they’re being insensitive, their intentions are good.

Could you explain that you understand that they’re trying to look out for you but it actually makes you feel like they’re doubting your judgement. You could reassure them by saying you’d tell them if you had any doubts.

I’ve been thinking about how abusers don’t let us have our own thoughts and opinions and so abuse makes us doubt our judgement. From that perspective I can see how your family’s actions would be even more upsetting. xxxx

[Janedoeissad]

Thank you so much for responding!

I think I do need to speak to them but also I’ve started planning things in with my family and my new partner, sort of my way of saying “see, he won’t keep me away from you, this one is actually pretty normal”.

I do very much question my own judgement. We’ve been together a few months and I am still watching endlessly for red flags but I never find any. I have freedom with him which I’ve never had before, we are together but also have our own lives. And all I want is for my family to see that and not go digging for red flags which aren’t there.

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