How can things just go suddenly bad?

[Sad and alone]

So we were talking, been okay today as far as things can be. Then he starts saying something about my appearance. How I should change something. (detail removed by moderator). Whatever. I’m like, no I don’t want to. Starts saying oh you (detail removed by moderator) etc. Making out I’m this boring f**k because I don’t want (detail removed by moderator). Then starts comments oh (detail removed by moderator) He is constantly accusing me of being (detail removed by moderator) which I look at but certainly not scrolling all day like he makes out. So I say can you stop (detail removed by moderator). And now that’s it. He says he’s not saying anything else. Was snappy when I asked him a question. Says I’ve told him not to say anything. I said I just mean (detail removed by moderator), aren’t called for. No he says the weekend’s ruined now, it’s what I want, it’s what I enjoy. All this from saying I don’t want (detail removed by moderator)?!!
So so tired of trying to navigate what I should or shouldn’t say. I’ve told him before I don’t know what I say wrong sometimes. Now he’s being a b**** about it, what do I do? Say sorry?!!! F that. So annoyed as earlier he’ll talk about things happening in the future. We’ll do this, I can do that because I like it, next year blah blah. But then can’t make it through a weekend and genuinely don’t think I’ve spoken out of turn. Apart from I haven’t done as he says.
It’s the season that certain things happen that I take part in. Already missed one and this has just sealed it that I’m not doing the next one either. We’ll go but guaranteed there’ll be an exchange of words and bad atmosphere if I do something he thinks of as stupid or I don’t want to do things like he says. Makes me sad. I miss out but if I can’t enjoy it what’s the point?
I’ve got my GP appointment in just over a week. This has me determined to tell them about my situation and start moving forward. I can’t stay here for the rest of my life being sad and miserable.
Don’t know how to “fix” this weekend now. I’ve nothing to say sorry for so… feel tomorrow will be worse as something is happening with one of the third parties we have issues with and he is obsessed with it all so will come back on me. Please can someone just pick me up and take me away?!

[minimeerkat]

big big big hug from me! its all so easy to see from the outside looking in
youve been ‘brave’ enough to say no you dont want your (detail removed by moderator) & you have also ‘dared’ to ask him to stop making the stupid comments so now youre paying for it – they can be so very immature cant they (imagine a 3yr old)
usually our punishment for saying no to something they ask &/or standing up for ourselves is the silent treatment or any other behaviour that upsets & frustrates us that much that we can be forced to apologize – just to put an end to our suffering even though we have done absolutely nothing wrong at all!
whats so annoying is that its then all completely turned around & suddenly you are accused of ruining the weekend! and that its you who enjoys causing such an awful atmosphere! (am shaking my head in disbelief)
its good youve written all this down & got it all out
and such a positive move making a gp appointment too
i should think all the women on this forum will understand your frustration & unhappiness
you can only focus on keeping yourself safe at the moment doing whatever that may be x

[Sad and alone]

Thanks MM xx
It is so frustrating as it’s such a stupid thing and now it’s a big deal. I’m not even sure what I can apologise for?! But you’re right it’ll be turned round on me and somehow I ruined things again. I enjoy it and that’s why I cause it. He has brought this up before and I was so close to going along with it to try and please him. It’s only (detail removed by moderator), but I just don’t want to. If I imagine the conversation in a “normal” relationship I don’t think it even happens! Maybe ask if they’ve thought about changing it? I don’t know, even that sounds kind of pushy but then I’m obvs over sensitive. But to be saying I’m boring if I don’t, it would make me better if I did it, I should do something exciting and different for once. He just pushes it and then now I’ve said can you stop going on, and then (detail removed by moderator) if I dare look at my phone. Stupid thing is what I was doing on my phone was something he’s asked me to do to help a situation out that he’s been balling me out over for days on end now. He just makes assumptions I’m scrolling through s**t on Facebook or something.
Well we’ll see what happens next. All I know is I’m sick of it all.

[Sad and alone]

So after an unrelated incident where we had to visit hospital it meant we kind of got back to talking but 24 hours later I’m back in the bathroom listening to him through the door.
Again third parties started a conversation which quickly turned to a continuous put down on me and how I am. I tried walking away but he’s followed me. He said sorry about (detail removed by Moderator) night but he just wanted to have some fun. I’m not sure how he remembers it really as pushing about something to do with my appearance isn’t really having fun?
It’s just constant and I’m so tired of hearing how he wants someone with passion and interest and initiative and creativity and will stand up to everyone etc. I can’t say anything back as it just doesn’t get me anywhere. He still keeps on about how I need to change, if I had kids I’d have been better. How I’ve never contributed. He says he doesn’t want to split up. He’s really putting the decision on me as again it feels like just another way to pass blame and be able to say it wasn’t his fault things didn’t work out. It’s always about how he is great and I’m not. He wants me to be this positive person but throws so much negativity. He’s beaten me down and I don’t know who I even am now. I am just sick of listening to it. So sick of it.

[minimeerkat]

oh sal, is there anywhere you can go to even if its just very temporary – a drive or a walk will do, anything for a short break from this relentless criticism
is there ever an opportunity to contact your local da service – if not have you considered the live chat on this site just to talk, just to feel listened to & supported
i suppose it wouldnt be worth saying to him that youve heard him, that you are obviously not who he wants you to be, not enough as you are – therefore he doesnt need to keep going on & on. just wondered if he thought you accepted this whether it would perhaps stop the continual put downs. but i really dont know
probably if you were to say youd had enough & couldnt take it anymore he would change into mr wonderful
he is obviously determined to grind you down bless your heart. and abusive partners usually justify some of their behaviour by saying ‘they were only joking’
i really dont know how heartbreaking its been for you not having children (whether you desperately wanted them) but perhaps this has been a blessing in disguise, as it does make you wonder what kind of parent he would be
because of being treated this way we end up losing ourselves, suffer anxiety & depression, feel useless & worthless, lose our confidence. but you gather all your strength & hold your head up high knowing that you absolutely are enough no matter what he is saying
i know you have this wonderful forum but i hope with all my heart you can manage a short break from this or make a call to talk to someone kind supportive & understanding, especially at times when it becomes far too much for you x

[minimeerkat]

try & keep this at the very front of your mind:
certain abusive characters have a superiority complex, so they treat you as inferior making sure you feel small & not good enough
they also manipulate your mind causing you to believe that youre the problem, pointing out any of your faults & weaknesses which then makes you believe that you deserved to be treated badly
and any person who uses your weaknesses against you so that they can manipulate you emotionally is 100% an abusive individual x

[DesperateHousewife101]

So much of what you’re saying resonates with what I’m going through with my husband at the moment. He’s made me feel so small and pathetic and useless. This is not ok. We deserve better than this. Sending you strength and love.

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