“How could you stay so long?”

[hellokitty]

I wondered how fellow survivors deal with comments from friends on abusive relationship that weren’t ill-intentioned but still hurt?

I recently had two of my close friends comment “I can’t believe how long you are staying with your husband (who is the perpetrator)”. One actually said that I was awfully relaxed about it, and that if it was her she would have done something about it a long time ago.

Now I know they are just being honest and don’t meant to hurt me, but the comments have lingered inside me and making me feel sort of humiliated and misunderstood. I know if you haven’t been in abusive relationship it could be difficult to imagine why anyone would stay with a perpetrator, so I’m not offended but I suppose it’s now made me hesitant to talk about it.

In this case would you explain why? I tried to explain to one that it took a while to even realise that it was abuse, but she looked confused. I suppose all I can do is to let go? Would anyone have a suggestion on how to deal with such comments?

[Bananaboat]

I say ‘because when you’re in the thick of it you don’t realise how bad it is, it comes in waves and gets worse overtime so you don’t notice’

 

when people say ‘I couldn’t have stayed’, I say, ‘well you’re very lucky not to have experienced it and I hope you never do, as its not easy or logical. The hope keeps you there, you want to try everything as you believe he’s not all bad’. It’s like the frog in boiling water, it doesn’t realise it’s being cooked until it’s too late.

words can really hurt, and we sometimes collect the wrong kind of friends too but don’t beat yourself up, these men love strong women, they’re master manipulators and cuckoos who thrive by not being obvious in their ways.

[hellokitty]

I love that! You have educated me thank you. I thought, now that I’d taken so many courses on DA I should be able to explan well, but my mind just went blank in the moment. “Its not easy or logical”… spot on.

“words can really hurt, and we sometimes collect the wrong kind of friends too but don’t beat yourself up, these men love strong women, they’re master manipulators and cuckoos who thrive by not being obvious in their ways”

So much wisdom… I suppose I was trying to be understanding, but I must admit it did hurt. She didn’t realise there was so much suffering, learning, healing, patience and careful planning etc and must have imagined that I was “sitting there doing nothing” (which is my perpetrator’s favourite phrase). Thank you for your kind words, I’m so glad I shared it here.

They’re master manipulators, how I wish I relised this a lot earlier…I’m ready to leave but it still boggles my mind daily that someone can be so manipulative and weaponize absolutely evey word. Even a yes or a no… thank you for your comment xx

[nbumblebee]

Ive been here over 2 decades and still here. One friend asked me how i do it.

I just said because i didnt see and now i do now i see clearly I just pop on my sunglasses so its not so bright.

 

She got it. And has never asked again. People dont understand and actually its not up to us to get them too we are just too busy trying to get through each day.

Sometimes its hard for others and as well meaning  as they are they dont know what to say.

Stay safe x

 

 

[hellokitty]

Thank you so much for your insight. I received another unsolicitated advise (I didn’t start the conversation either) from my friend which went like “You shouldn’t let him…”,”You should tell him…”, and that I needed to handle things smarter…which was just rubbing salt into the wound, so reading your comment really helped so thank you.

You are absolutely right, it’s not on us to get them to understand, such a good point. It had sort of made me derail, been thinking “how do I get her to understand?” when I really couldn’t afford to be using my time and energy on it.

She is only trying to help, and I realised that I just need to ask myself how much do I want the person to be involved. If it’s making me uncomfortable, set boundries…(how am I still suffering from this after all the experience from DA!) I think I will subtly reduce the amount of contact. As much as I appreciate her being there, it is making me wobbly.

The whole thing really made me appreciate having this safe space to share things even more. Thank you xx

[Happybelle]

It’s the hardest thing isn’t it. My family have never understood why we were together so long. I no longer go into detail with people who say that. I just politely just say something along the lines of you never know unless it happens to you. It’s not something easily explained. I certainly have always been in the camp  of well I’d never allow that to happen to me. Well here I am with that having happened to me.

 

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