How do I bring it up?

[Renny5]

Hi,

I’m new here so please bare with me.

I’ve been with my other half a number of years and we have a daughter together. I own my own home but live in his house. His (relative removed by Moderator) has been privately renting my house since Covid (I was trying to help him out at the time but regret that decision). I always had a gut feeling I shouldn’t sell my house and I’m so glad I haven’t, although I know it’s not going to to be simple getting it back off his (relative removed by Moderator).

I’ve come to realise and come to terms over the past few years that I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. I’ve tried to leave him (number removed by Moderator) before. Each time, the abusive messages after got too much to bare and resulted in me going back.

6 months ago, I made the decision that enough is enough. I’m tired of treading on egg shells around him incase I say or do something he doesn’t approve of which always results in days and days of silent treatment. Even my eldest son noticed his behaviour and has said he wouldn’t miss him if we weren’t together (he’s from my previous relationship). It’s heartbreaking to hear someone young say something like that and is a real eye opener too.

So, the decision has been made, I need to leave him.  But the question is how?

How do I being the subject up with him?

When I’m not around him I feel strong and brave but as soon as I’m in the same room as him I lose my bottle and fear his reaction. The shouting and name calling mostly. I know he wouldn’t physically hurt me or the kids so I’m not worried there.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Justwokenup]

Im in the same situation tbh , I dont know how to say it. Sometimes it’s on the tip of my tongue but I’m not brave enough.

When I’m out the house I know its the right thing to do but when I’m with him there’s like a fog that confuses me.

I dont think he’ll leave and I dread the aftermath,  he’s unpredictable and could go either way. Accept it and move out or stay and make life he’ll. I have visions of him smashing the house up or attacking me so I don’t say anything.

I left a while a go and came bk as I felt strong enough to get him to leave but since then my strength has just diminished so I don’t know what to do now.

Hope you get some good advice and manage it ! I’ll have to take some of it on myself .

[Renny5]

Hi Justwokenup,

I’m glad I’m not the only one in this boat.

When I’m away from him, at work or something, I find myself playing out every scenario. I go over and over the things I could say, the things I could do, my minds like a washing machine all the time with it and it’s exhausting.

I’m thinking of just packing a bag for me and my youngest (the eldest has stuff at his dads so Im not worried about him) and just blurting it out.

I know he’s not going to take it well, he’ll say I’m bipolar (I’m not) and I’m a sl*g. He’ll expect I’ve been having an affair (which I haven’t) and then when I actually walk out the door I’ll get texts from all his family saying they can’t belive I could do this to my daughter.

I wish I had thicker skin and my big girl pants on all the time so I could be rid of this rubbish half life. It feels like I’m not living the life I’m supposed too.

[Fallenofftheradar]

In my case, I decided to wait until his next unreasonable outburst and promised myself that I wouldn’t be fawning this time, but would be telling him it was over. I thought it could be a while until it happened, because sometimes a couple months pass without incident, but it was only a week until he had another bee in his bonnet over nothing and I stayed strong and said that’s it, I can’t live like this anymore and I need space. I’m not doing it anymore.

I was so resolute at this point that I’ve held strong during the discussions that followed when he came over to talk (why do these types never just accept a break up) and have barely responded to his messages. I feel like I’m nearly there now, if only he accepted it!

If you feel strong enough you could do this too, but please remember you are not obligated to do it in person. If you can’t face it, or worry he’ll escalate, you can just pack you and your sons bags and go to stay elsewhere and let him know by text. Then block him and his family.

You could unblock him later once you feel ready to discuss collecting your things and sorting your house out, or get someone else to communicate with him and the relative on your behalf. Don’t get dragged into any discussions about the relationship, you don’t owe anyone further explanation. Just stick to business.

You need space and no contact for a good while to break the trauma bond first.

Good luck

[Justwokenup]

I’ve thought about leaving again and trying retrospectively to get him out of the house so I can return.

It would mean me and mmy younger son sharing a room however my elder son wouldn’t come with me.

Last time I left , his dad made his life a living hell and my son didnt tell me so suffered in silence.  It took him ages to tell me about it. He said my partner totally went to pieces and he stopped in his room most of the time as he didnt feel safe around him. I m not sure if can do that to him again even though hes an adult , how can i do that to him !. So we’re all stuck !!

 

 

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Personally I found that any preparations that I could make in advance were very valuable and I wish I’d done more.

You don’t need to let him know your intentions, in fact I would strongly advise that you don’t.

Prepare everything you possibly can including making sure all your devices and computers are clear of tracking etc,  removing all important documents and possessions to a safe place, talking to a domestic abuse service secretly if you can, securing bank accounts from him taking joint money and securing all other financial weak points and maybe also warning anyone who he might try to sabotage or start a smear campaign with such as work and friends.

Oncr these things are in place you can do exactly what Fallenoftheradar suggests. Wait for the next intolerable behaviour and leave. Be ready, as she advises to block completely after that, or at least as much as you can.

You won’t be able to deal with the anxiety in my experience, it comes with the territory. It will go after a few months of being free.

 

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Ps if you can, talk to a solicitor or do some research on getting his relative out of your house. If he’s a legal tenant start an eviction order. But take legal advice on this.

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