How do I bring up splitting up

[Sunshinedrops]

Ah ladies I’ve had few aha moments and I know leaving will be better, it won’t be easy it will be painful as hell but I just can’t deal with the frostyness every weekend, sleeping in different rooms, he getting more passive aggressive, the children are suffering from his moods, as I’m trying to maintain the status quo! I know what needs to happen, but for the life of me, I cannot bring the words to my lips! I mean I’ve tried and he told me he going no where, and mentioned he never backs down, I feel that’s a threat so do I go and start legal action or what!!! He won’t leave even for one night- any one been in similar situations please any advice or suggestions would be great! Not sure what to do! We both own property but not married

[Risingup]

Hi, thanks for your post. I’m in the same position. I’ve had enough. I know I need to get out for myself and kids. I’ve been told by my local domestic abuse charity not to tell him I’m leaving just go! Or if I do want to have that conversation to have it in a public space or with a mutual friend.
Like you say, my abuser says he’s not going anywhere and if I want to go I should go! I am going to contact Rights For Women this coming week. I need to know what I will do if he refuses to leave or if I just leave with kids and then tell him from a distance.
You take care x

[Watersprite]

Hi ladies I think you have both nailed it on the head they have got things just a as they want them and won’t be going anywhere soon. We left in a hurry in secret no choice so that’s an option if needed. How about getting legal advice most solicitors give 30 mins free initial consultation – could you check that out so you know all options? I would say safety first always so consider risk before deciding how best to go about it. You sound like you know what you want and that you will no longer be treated this way that in some ways is the hardest step. Viewing it all as little steps can make it feel less overwhelming. Xx

[Eggshells]

Hi Sunshinedrops

You don’t need to tell him and WA recommend that you don’t.

Telling him whilst you are still living there will result in so much f**k wittige that it could do serious damage to your mental health and put your children under huge stress.

Have you looked into occupation orders to see if you would be eligible?

Otherwise, get your ducks in a row (as KIP would say) and move out as swiftly and with as little fuss as you possibly can. Once you’re safely out, tell him that you’ve gone for good, give him the details of your solicitor and tell him to address everything through that solicitor then block him on everything.

If the children want to see him, organise this through a third party in the early days. Any contact he has with you will be manipulative and abusive. You’ll need to cut him out of your life completely or he’ll never let you settle and find your feet in your new life.

Good luck. xx

[tiredofitall]

Hi, not sure if this is helpful at all but I’m currently in the process of divorcing but still living in the same house. I told him about (detail removed by Moderator) months ago. he didn’t believe me at first but I moved myself into the dining room and stopped cooking for him and communicating with him as much as possible. I told him I was applying for a divorce and that I would either buy him out or we sell the house. I told him that if he didnt agree then the court would decide so the end is coming. I won’t lie, its been absolute hell to live together but as I’m the only one earning I’m not going anywhere as I can’t afford to run two places and he couldn’t afford to buy me out. I’d recommend getting some legal advice and then just keep reiterating the message. It does go in whether they want to believe it or not. You dont have to live this this and they can’t make us. They hate that they can’t keep controlling us. I hope you get some help.

[Sunshinedrops]

Wish it was simple just to go I don’t have the money behind me, we are so finically intwined the thought of uprooting the children and moving again would be a nightmare! I have been looking at rentals and thinking just go! But I want to stay within my home so much! Guess I’m stuck! I’m going to seek the 30 min consultation as soon as I can! My children think it’s a great idea that we split and told me not to be sad, they aren’t that old either! I was blowing away by their comments!

And I would definitely go no contact I did leave at the start of our relationship and he crawled his way back from the driveway into my bed!!! So wouldn’t be that stupid again!
I’m just not sure I’m strong enough to withstand the blame game, I’ve done nothing wrong! What are you talking about, and play the victim and I’ll be as he put it a home wrecker!
Thank you ladies I’ll definitely keep you posted on it
Only you all understand it xx thank you!

[Risingup]

I do know how you feel. I was going through all of our joint paper work today (while he was out). All of this sadness started to overwhelm me. The house and everything that I’d be leaving. I too needed the paper work for when I speak to lawyers. Just remember, baby steps! Let’s not think about the whole staircase. Let’s just speak to a lawyer.
Btw your kids are amazing and so supportive. I haven’t spoken to mine about us leaving but I wouldn’t be surprised it they say the same. Keep posting xx

[Sunshinedrops]

I stupidly slept with him, and feel worse for it! The sex was off I was hoping maybe just maybe it will be alright and things would get better! Yes feeling really guilty what the hell was I thinking!
He now thinks it’s all wonderful but did go back and sleep on the sofa so no change anyway! Im just fed up! It’s definitely over for me!

[Bananaboat]

Don’t beat yourself up, sometimes we have to keep testing the water to see if he’s changed/we’re wrong until we finally reach that point of realising there’s no hope of that. The positive is you feel bad – I know you don’t feel that’s a positive right now but I is as you know. The fact he’s gone downstairs shows he knows it’s not changed – he’s not stayed to show you affection or form a connection – treat it as you’ve used each other for sex so stand strong, he’s throwing out all the tricks to find the one to hook you back in so stand strong with leaving. x

[Sunshinedrops]

I just don’t have any one to sound this stuff off to, I’m an adult orphan and only child, I do not have friends, I’ve kept everyone at arms length probably if they really see what’s going on I’ll get the just leave him comments. I think I’ve done this purposely over the years not to get to close to anyone but really in the end, I’ve isolated myself! Thankfully in work I have manager who is clued in/ seen im unsupported about something else which she picked up on, which made me open up about all of this! We’ve went for coffee and for the first time I let a stranger in! I need to do more of this! And start building friendships without him, or only him!
He tried to be so accommodating tonight, went and got me wine, ect but then is still staying on the sofa, he made a point of sulking /puppy dog eyes oh dear he still on the sofa! But if he asked to sleep in my bed tonight, I think I would have caved in and said ok! But he did not!
Thank you for replying I really needed your support tonight

[Bananaboat]

No worries, so many of us are in the same boat. No one knows everything I went through as it’s so hard to let ppl in and talk about it so again, don’t be so hard on yourself. Even if you did reach out abuse is something ppl struggle to relate to even if they try and well meaning comments might not be what we need. It’s great your manager is reaching out. Enjoy that. And remember you’re trauma bonded to him so you’re going to miss him, hope for affection, and he’s going to toy with it. I used to get those puppy eyes, I’d invite him to stay upstairs but he’d then reject me or use me then return downstairs. This is why this forum is great, we get it, post as much as you need to x

[Hereforhelp]

Hey Sunshine, I was thinking… turn the sex around… I mean you can use it to tell him ‘yep we had sex, I want you to know that doesn’t change anything, in fact it made me realise how confusing this situation is for our children which is why I am telling you to be out, gone by Xday (give him a week), start packing his stuff and tell him to find somewhere else to live. You do not have to put up with his blanking you, yes it will confuse your children as you and their dad are their role models. If not safe to stand up and say what is right for you and your kids then get hold of WA to get a plan of action to get him out (he will have no intention of leaving).
You are right, it is difficult which is why you take baby steps, one small step forward each day if you can.
You owe him nothing and have nothing to feel guilty about, you loved that man and were bonded to him, he abused you.
No part of this is easy, it is irrelevant what he wants, thinks or says as it will all be about his needs always as that never changes with these men.

❤️

[Risingup]

As everyone else has said, you have nothing to feel bad about. Sometimes we need to do things to realise that it’s really what we don’t want. I feel bad even when I have a normal conversation with my partner knowing what I am planning, but why should I feel bad??? Because we have spent years with someone who has made us feel bad about ourselves and eroded our confidence. Chin up and keep going xx

[Sunshinedrops]

Oh my goodness you cracked that nut shell in to million pieces always about HIM and his needs in around about way! It’s never been about mine!
I’m building up the courage to put. Into place why I want this relationship to end, my memories are shocking so I’ve been journaling as I’m always faced with I’m really not that bad, what have I done! Which makes me instantly go blank, sad thing is he should realise the stuff that’s broken me, he should be accountable ect ect ect but what I’ve found, it’s one sided arguments, He perfect! And I’ve done everything to hurt him! I feel extremely exhausted why are conversations so difficult 😞
Thank you for replying to me , I really need to hear your kind words this evening! It’s so hard and you feel completely alone at times!
He won’t leave, we own the property together so it’s gonna be s**t show, I’ve asked could he leave for one night and it’s big fat no, I should leave instead of which is really immature!
I just need to build my strength up and then tackle him, but I’m cross with my self that I’m still hopefully because I did love him x

[Risingup]

It’s impossible to have a conversation with these men. They take zero accountability. I am in the same position, where I think sitting down with him and telling him why I want to split will be a waste of time. He will blame me and deny everything. I spoke to Rights for Women today who were really helpful and recommended lawyers etc. I feel completely drained. I’m having one of those days where I have to keep reminding myself what he has done to me. I feel like I’ve been minimising the abuse for so many years, that now I am starting to deal with it my mind is playing tricks. Keep strong! X

[Sunshinedrops]

I told him It was over, kindda bullies me into telling him and it all spilled over into massive argument! He denied everything and said your still going on about that xyzzy I’m not that bad! I felt I was pulling my hair out. It escalated about (detail removed by moderator)!
I wasn’t expecting that, I think I was in shock a little/ he then says ooh play the victim I know why your going to counselling because you probably telling them it’s abuse!

Aw I feel like running, buy maybe leaning better, I’m going to contact my local office today for advice and maybe I can save some money to rent somewhere it get help with it, as I only work limited hrs

I’m very emotionally drained

Xx

[Eyesopening]

we need to be careful telling an abuser we are leaving, it is never reconmended as it is the most dangerous time for a women. A women in the UK is killed every 3 days by these men.
If he isn’t being outright abusive he will be hoovering you. It will switch and change probably.
Just make sure you stay safe, there is no point in trying to keep your integrity to the last in this relationship. Its not like leaving a normal relationship. They deserve nothing from us. We need to keep ourseves safe first.
xx

[Camel]

If you own the property jointly you can’t make him leave. You need legal advice on forcing a sale and advice on any benefits you might be entitled to if he effectively makes you and the children homeless.

Stop all discussions with him. Find out your position first. You don’t need his permission to end things. Neither do you need to justify your decision.

[Risingup]

I have also been told not to have any discussion about the relationship. Just get the legal advice and then plan to leave. My abuser is the same. He completely gaslights me at every opportunity, blames me for everything and outright lies. The only possible way that I could talk to him would be in a public place with a mutual friend. I always think that by not talking to him and just leaving or serving him with an order would make him even more angry..However the abuser is so unpredictable that we can not put ourselves and children at risk. If I brought up separation who knows what he would do. He is scary enough when he doesn’t get his way on a normal day. Keep safe! Keep in touch!

[Camel]

In a ‘normal’ relationship it’s possible to have normal discussions about ending things. But it’s simply not possible when your partner is abusive.

Their focus is totally on winning by any means possible. You will never get them to agree or at even see things from your perspective. They will drag you into pointless arguments. They don’t care how you feel.

Plus, if you alert them to the fact that you’re leaving they will simply change tactics. They’ll pretend to be nice, buy you wine and talk you into bed for example. Anything to throw you off balance, cause self doubt.

There’s also the issue of safety. It’s horrific to think about but violence (and worse) is the ultimate expression of an abuser’s control. We must be vigilant and protect ourselves. This means keeping plans to ourselves and refusing to be drawn into discussions.

We are not obligated to keep trying. Neither are we obligated to consider their opinions or feelings. We are people in our own right.

[Risingup]

Very true. I have spent goodness knows how many years, literally asking permission to breathe. I’m now making decisions for myself and I need to remind myself that I don’t need to tell him anything x

[Sunshinedrops]

Hi ladies, thought I would up date you all!
I reported him to the police he been charged with domestic assault and cannot enter the home until the court case! It was world-wind day yesterday. I’m mixed with all kind of emotions because it’s like this isn’t actually happening, relief, panic of what’s to come. Never thought I’d be in this situation social services is involved now too and schools been informed! I’m hoping this will inevitable help us going forward! I guess you need to be in the ‘system’
I’m worried about the backlash of his family, I’m gonna be called all kinds of crazy! But what keeps me going is the children reaction they were relieved and said they felt safe without him! I know I’ve done the right thing for them!
He was refusing to seek legal advice, I did but found the man lawyer not as clued in to be honest so I’m looking into another solicitor who a lady and has been recommended by family friend! So gonna reach out today! Keep strong my lovelies xx

[Camel]

I know how scary this time is but I have to say you sound pretty upbeat. I’d advise ignoring the things you can’t control, such as any backlash or unfair and unfounded accusations.

The focus right now is your safety and excellent legal support.

If you haven’t already done so, give a full statement to the police. Find out what they will do if he tries to enter the property. Make sure you’re down for priority response.

Ask them to do a security check, if possible. Get the locks changed to the house.

You’re right to find a solicitor who understands the dynamics of abuse. Your husband will use every trick in the book.

You’re amazingly strong. Keep posting if you can. Xx

[Risingup]

Hi,
Thank you for sharing what’s happened. You are strong and powerful! Although you are right in the middle of it all. Keep in mind what your kids said! They feel safe! And just keep an eye on the next step not the whole staircase.
You are absolutely right, the right legal advice is so important. I contacted Rights for Women who were able to recommend solicitors in my area who are experts in domestic abuse.
Please keep posting and let us know. I will do the same xx

[Sunshinedrops]

Thank you rising up and camel I’m right in it and it’s not over yet! I’ve gotten no molestation order in place (detail removed by Moderator). So I’ve time, time to get my head around all of it. I keep expecting him to walk in, the house is strange without that other person. The uncertainties of how I’m going to manage on half the income! I phoned my bank and told them and to be honest we’re very accommodating, it’s special branch for da. And getting advice from local charity, to help with budget.
Last night I had both my children sitting in the living room and they were laughing so hard, they haven’t sat in this living room for months! It made me upset, as it confirmed they never wanted to sit with their dad and felt very uncomfortable. I did cry and they told me mum it’s ok to cry we’ve got this your brilliant mum and we love you! We love the that the house is free.

Being hyper and full of anxiety was my normal, now i can relax and feel totally exhausted. I can drink coffee and literally fall asleep! I think it’s going to take time to recover!

My mind wonders to him, what’s he doing now, what’s he thinking, what his reaction will be. I’ve blocked everything on social media. It’s hard not too, plus I have his (detail removed by Moderator) to look after and I’m wondering do I keep them (detail removed by Moderator)?
Not sure about that one! It’s not there fault and they are beginning to pine for him🙃
As for changing the locks I’ll find out if I can do this! I know he can’t come in but his family could and don’t want them snooping.

Honestly I wouldn’t be here without all of your support!
I now also have to sort out this house, that’s the next move and he manipulated me into being (detail removed by Moderator) even though I paid more! He really played me! But I’ve time

Thank you to everyone that’s replied and sending me support couldn’t done anything of this without all of your support

[Sunshinedrops]

Ps went with woman solicitor who was very proactive! It’s her speciality and deals with all things domestic every single day! So go with something who going to behind you 100cent of the way! She said he dosnt care about you, Now this is what you need to be doing x,y,z

[Risingup]

It makes me so happy when you describe how your children are feeling and how they are comfortable in their home. It really rings true for me….. myself and children always sit upstairs in house and abuser always downstairs.
I think you are so brave and actually reading your story gives me hope that I can also be free from this abuse.
I had to call Refuge today as I started to feel really low and really trapped again. She spoke to me and reminded me of my plan and what to do in an emergency. It was so nice to talk to someone who really understands abuse.
Thanks again for sharing your story and giving myself and others on here hope.
As you say, you have a lot of things to sort out but you will get there! Look how far you’ve come xx

[Sunshinedrops]

Oh Im sending hugs to you, I get it it’s awful fleeing trapped in you’re own home! Living in separate rooms is as much as you can do for now!you got this!
Keep in mind, what you’re life be like without him, what will that look like, ( mental vision board) will his behaviour ever change?
This has helped me, and when I thought I was having metal breakdown, there was something wrong with me, I channelled myself to read back my notes, a-list of all the s****y things he had done. And soon realised this was fact and real!

You can reach out to me any time!
Would there by any possible chance to get away for a night or two to clear your head, it’s utterly exhausting to be in that atmosphere all the time. X

[Author]

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