How do I deal with this?

[itwillbeokay]

I’ve got into a bit of a text message war of words with my husband who I’m separated from as he keeps sending late night messages but this latest one was basically I still don’t understand this (me leaving our marriage and home and taking our very young children with me) so did you hate me for years just to have two kids. Then next morning ignore me I’m just upset etc. I suspect he’s drinking quite regularly and/or a lot at the moment. I replied the next day and said I wanted children with him having met and fallen in love with him and I wanted us to be a family etc etc. He came back and his stance is basically I was desperate for children, he was the only way and that I used him to have them and had planned all along I would take them away to live with my family (I moved to where my family live when I left him). This is utterly untrue and deluded on so many levels it makes my head hurt. We were together a very long time pre children, I absolutely adored him and we had a family although not without a lot of fertility treatment which we went through together. My issues and he threw that at me aswell, I should’ve left you then, then where would you be. So upsetting. He says I’ve stitched him up basically. No acknowledgement whatsoever that I fled our home having packed a bag or two at midnight whilst he drank heavily and angrily downstairs and I left after the last incident of verbal abuse and threatening and intimidating behaviour, I simply couldn’t take it anymore but no, he says he will always know the truth and we will have to agree to disagree. And that I will have to explain to our children one day why they grew up without a father.

This whole thing is just soul destroying as it’s just not true. I was a good wife and girlfriend to him for years and years even though looking back I ignored reg flags all over the place. I just don’t get the mentality. Does he really believe this?! My head is wrecked from it all.

Xx

[feelingnumb]

I get this thrown at me also. That I just used him to have a baby and now I got what I wanted I just try and get rid of him, like that it’s so deluded and couldn’t be further from the truth. I think does he actually believe that or does he say it cause he knows it will hurt me. I feel like I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown with all the mind games. Makes me doubt myself and ask myself am I the problem?? Is it me that’s making him like this?? Am I creating problems that aren’t there??

[KIP.]

Hi ladies, I’ve been exactly where you both are. Trying to figure out what went on. I can tell you from painful experi nice that the only way to move on from these ment and their lies and manipulating behaviour is absolute zero contact. They simply make things up to hook you into an anrgument. Whatever nonsense you respond to gives them a huge kick. Then they can upset and confuse you even more. They simply lie, or change the goal posts and you will never ever win an argument. All you will do is bring more misery to yourself. Arguing with an abuser is like playing chess with a pidgeon. Even when they lose they simply knock the pieces over s**t on the board and strut around like they’ve won. Also, by passing the blame and guilt into you, it means they don’t have to carry it. So please don’t carry their guilt for them, it leaves them guilt free and light as air x

[White Rose]

I also got the “you only wanted me as a sperm donor” argument from mine. Still do. It’s a way to get at you to pass the blame for all hes done, and it makes him feel powerful.
Don’t respond. I had a stock phrase… please stop messaging/emailing/texting me about this and I logged out, switched off or just toughed it out and ignored it – there were always a dozen of so emails that followed that I had to be so firm with myself not to reply to and often to simply delete unread.
Mines at it again as we’re having to have contact and I’m guilty of responses too. Some do get sent ad I’m so cross with his whining, but some I write and then delete rather than send and it sometines helps me vent my frustration. Always do on a new message without address though in case by instinct you send!

[itwillbeokay]

Thank you so much. It’s so so upsetting to hear when you know it’s conpletely untrue. I put up with awful behaviour to try to keep things together, to try to keep us all together. It’s just delusional not to acknowledge why!

Ugh xx

[KIP.]

All that’s happening is his dysfunctional behaviour that went on for years is just carrying on. He’s just changed tactics x

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