How do I deal with this?

[Hetty]

I’m busy making plans to get me and my son out of this horrendous mess. Busy viewing houses currently. My husband knows I want to leave after a massive row at the weekend. I just keep trying to be matter of fact and keep things calm.
Today he contacts me and makes suicide claims. Can’t go into details but he’s saying he tried this not so long ago. I know it’s all lies tbh but how do I deal with this. When he comes home he’ll go off on one because I haven’t responded. I know it’s emotional abuse but how do I deal with this while still living in the same house?

[KIP.]

I’d ring NHS24 and report him as being suicidal and ask if they can send someone out to speak to him. See how quickly he denies it. After all you’re just trying to help and as you’re not qualified in mental health it’s best he sees a specialist mental health worker.

[KIP.]

Things are escalating as he’s losing control and i think it won’t be long before he does some serious damage to you and/or your child. They will hurt the ones we care about just to spite us. This is how it builds up to serious violence.

[Hetty]

I’m not sure he’d do something so stupid as he has kids of his own and he’d fear the consequences but nevertheless you can never be too careful and the emotional harm he causes is horrendous. I’m going to start getting stuff out the house tomorrow before I go to work.

[diymum@1]

This is often what these men do as a last ditched attempt and keeping control XX roll over and play the victim so u feel the bad one. Wow is me call his bluff and tell him you’ve called an ambulance he won’t do that again. It is escalating it sounds like it’s time to get support in getting him out ? Not sure what the situation is but I’d start making plans xx get some witness statements and see your gp get them on side incase you need to for child contact xx this is totally doable xx

[Hetty]

Thankfully he’s not my child’s dad so I don’t have to worry about contact. The house is in his name so it’s best I leave. He won’t leave. We’ve been in this situation loads of times. I can’t get rid of him. I’m looking at houses currently to get away from him but it’s taking so long and each step I take is totally terrifying x

[KIP.]

I know how scary this part is. Your gut is screaming for a very good reason. It’s just a case of ignoring that fear and taking a leap of faith. It will be worth it. Just get your ducks in a row, close your eyes and jump. The fog of abuse, the Fear Obligation and Guilt will clear with zero contact.

[Hetty]

I’m back to square one. My family member was going to gift me some cash for a deposit but now can’t. I can’t see a way out. So hard raising a kid completely on your own and trying to work out how I’d manage financially, childcare, school runs etc. I have no additional support and I work full time. No dad on the scene.
Had made housing application but three months on and no further forward.
I’m ill with stress – can’t eat, feel dizzy and faint, crying.
Feels like all I can do for now is put up and shut up x

[Escapee]

Have you spoken to your GP Hetty?

They may be able to support you in getting out. Mine was amazing and it sounds like you really need some support right now.

If you’re brave enough to involve social services, they should be able to help too.

Does your employer have schemes that can help? They may be able to give you a loan for a deposit.

It is super scary knowing how you’ll cope as a single mum but you’ll be fine. It’ll actually be easier than what you’re coping with at the moment.

Is a refuge an option??

Thinking of you. Big hugs xx

[Brave]

Sorry to hear that things have got worse for you, Hetty.
Have you spoken with a lawyer? Since you are married, you should be entitled to half of everything that counts as marital assets (including the house, even if it is one person’s name). I know this may not be possible at the moment, but I found speaking with a lawyer very helpful and reassuring, as I had been told (lied to) that I would get nothing if I left. It was a method of control to try to prevent me leaving (sorry to say, it worked for quite a long time). You have rights regarding the finances – I hope you can find a way to get good help and advice.
I found that keeping very quiet and not rocking the boat, not discussing my plans, was the only way I could successfully leave. If I tried to discuss any of it, all my energy was sapped away in pointless arguments which never went anywhere. I conserved my energy for me, for planning and getting my ducks in a row. I saw a counsellor who helped me gather the strength I needed. I know that different things work for different people; that’s what helped me.
I wish you well and that you can soon get away from this horrible situation.
Brave
xx

[Hetty]

Thank you all for your kind replies and advice. There’s a lot for me to think about just now. It’s kind of overwhelming x

[Cecile]

Remember your entitlements. You must put yourself first.💕

[Author]

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