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Help I need some words of wisdom to explain to my kids why I’m moving them out of our family home as I cannot live in a constant state of fear and anxiety due to his emotional bullying. They both witnessed my husband telling me to get out out of the house immediately the last time I tried to end the relationship and it was distressing for both of them but now my son says he doesn’t understand why either of us is upset and that his life will never be normal again. Talk about making me feel guilty! I tried to say that Daddy makes me feel sad and scared and that things will eventually get better when we are living apart. Not sure I should really say much more to a child of his age or is there a better way to tell him?
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Hi
I’m sorry I can’t offer personal experience my daughter was older and understood the abuse we both endured.
The only thing I’d suggest is every child knows at least one other whose parents have separated for a variety of reasons. Why not keep the emotional abuse as a reason out of it and just say you don’t love each other anymore and being together makes you unhappy and both feel you’ll be happier living apart? That way it gets up off the hook and gives time for you to let the idea grow slowly. Young children don’t necessarily need to know the exact reasons for a split and you don’t want to start your separation with alienating them from him as it will just make it worse for you and then. If they’ve experienced abuse and social services or police involved then it’s different you can discuss it more easily.
Hopefully others will offer more personal practical help.
Good luck and love to you and your children x*x -
I agree with White Rose, try to keep the details to a minimum. Can you just say that mummy and daddy don’t love each other any more but that we both love you very much?
It’s so hard when they put you on the spot but we have to try and protect them and just reassure that everything will be okay. On average 7 children in a class of 30 come from single parent families.
Eventually the children will see you are a happier person without daddy around and they’ll draw their own conclusions.
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Hi there. Try saying that families are made up of different things. That what is normal just now is not making you happy. I wouldn’t sugar coat it (depending on his age). I covered up for my husbands behaviour for years and I think this caused more confusion. I think you did the right thing by telling him you are sad and scared. He’s witnessed his fathers behaviour and needs to know this is not acceptable. Stay strong and get away as soon as possible. Expect your ex to use his child without mercy. Get away and go no contact as soon as possible. I don’t know if you’ve contacted a solicitor but that’s my advice. Get legal advice. Get access in writing and use a third party to facilitate that. You’re going to feel guilty no matter what you do. That’s how abusers programme us. By leaving you are giving your children the chance of an abuse free future. Teaching them that nobody needs to be treated that way. Stay strong. It’s not easy. My husband told me to get out in front of our son and it was awful. It’s like if they behave in the most aggressive outrageous way they will somehow come across as the injured party. That’s why you need to get out. Don’t let him play mind games X
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Thank you ladies for making me feel better. I feel like the worlds worst parent right now. The youngest one doesn’t understand what’s happening and she is also Daddy’s favourite so thinks it is fun having Grandma and Grandad come to help Mummy. The oldest one has refused to get out of bed or go to school for two days now and I’m getting worried there will be serious consequences soon. And I fear I will get the blame as I’m the one who is moving out. Does anyone know if there are psychology services available for children?
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I am going to offer different advice.
I don’t think you should say that mummy and daddy don’t love each other anymore. I think for a child to think that love within a family can evaporate is something that’s too upsetting and big for them, especially at this time and if they are quite young. I think it’s very upsetting for a child to think their parents don’t love eachothet anymore: after all, they are part of each of us. They will be emotionally raw themselves, and talking about love ending is destabilising, especially if they are young. If adults say they don’t live the other parent anymore, I will think that some children might, underneath, question whether they are loveable, or a hethetvif they love others they will eventually be left? Maybe that’s my own thinking…
At the same time, keep it practical. Say that you have decided to live apart as there are some things that are making it hard to live together right now. Depending on age, you can state that some things are not right within the home. Keep the details short, but depending on age and maturity, you can express your belief that some things are unacceptable. This will hopefully impress upon the children that certain behaviours are unacceptable within a relationship. But your focus is practical, of emotional.
If they are young, they need to be reassured that they don’t need to worry about anything, that you as adults have it in check. Reassure them that they are children, they don’t need to worry about anything, that everything will turn out ok. Encourage them to carry on their normal childhood activities and interests, but tell them you’re there to talk if they need it. Normality is the best thing- whilst recognising their need for offloading. Reassure them that they are still your main focus.
My parents never protected us from the ugly truth of their marriage. I was exposed to adult stuff too young. I really think children need to be shielded from adult concepts, but to receive support and someone to listen to their thoughts and to respond in an age-appropriate way.
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When I told my husband to leave we both told our son, he was (detail removed by moderator). We just told him we were splitting up, dad’s moving out but we both loved him (our son), we just didn’t want to be together anymore. A few days after he moved out my son asked me if I was OK and also said he wasn’t surprised we split up because we were arguing a lot!
Children know no matter how much you pretend everything’s OK. Be truthful but not too graphic. (he was abusive to me but ironically he’s not the one/reason that made me contact Women’s Aid).
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I had the same problem – I just couldn’t find the right words. But then I figured something out that encapsulated it. I said that “I have sore heart from some of the things that daddy has said and done”. I pointed out that daddy has his point of view, and that is ok, but that I have a different one and that some of the things he has said and done (Which they are well aware of, having heard them) have made my heart sore. It didn’t make it any easier to say, but it summed up perfectly how I felt – and still feel. I don’t hate him, I don’t not love him (tho am not in love with him) but my heart is too sore to ever be in a relationship with him. Mine are (age removed by moderator)
Hope that helps x*x
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It’s such a hard one isn’t it. No professional I have spoken to has been able to advise me on this clearly which proves the point I think. I began with the standard textbook advice given for normal non-abusive relationships ending. But then my ex’s abuse and control of me and them escalated and my son in particular was quite angry that I hadn’t been honest. Plus over the past couple of years since leaving my son’s age and maturity have grown so I’ve had to keep re-answering questions in more age-appropriate ways. I took a different tack with my daughter due to her age and learning needs. The worst advice I had was from social services (surprise surprise!). She said say nothing at all which was ridiculous after the police coming to the house and her visiting them asking questions! My most recent counsellor suggested explaining the difference between physical hurt and hurting a person’s feelings, also talking about actions and consequences. I think there is no ‘right’ way. I think as long as you keep good intentions in your heart regarding their best interests, be authentic and go with what feels right for your children as individuals you won’t go far wrong. I’m not sure I’m providing the best example of a happier me post split sometimes due to the ongoing abuse but we can only handle what we can at the time and do our best x*x
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