how do I explain what’s happened?

[NoMoreAbuse25]

I recently spilt from my husband who I had one child with. On the outside we looked like the perfect couple, I was in denial and masked ALOT. but behind closed doors I was experiencing sexual abuse- something I am still trying to process, I struggled to believe I was abused, I am embarrassed and hurt I don’t know why but I still feel like I can’t tell people what’s really happened as it will taint him out to be a bad person. I know he was wrong for hurting me but I also don’t want my child to know the things his dad did to me.

People are shocked when I tell them I have left him- they saw a perfect relationship and a happy couple and family. I have said to people all is not as it seemed, but they seem to want to know more. In some ways I want to tell everything but in others I can’t tell them- especially when it comes to his friends and family.

 

Any advice on how to tell people what is happening?

[Lisa]

Hi NoMoreAbuse25,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand. I’m sure other users will reply soon to give you the benefit of their experience. It’s okay to take your time and you don’t have to share anything with anyone that you’re not comfortable about. If you think that it might be helpful to talk about the sexual abuse with a specialist advisor and maybe access some ongoing support, you could contact Rape Crisis. They provide support for anyone who has experienced any kind of sexual violence at any point in their life and they have a confidential helpline and live chat service.

If you need any guidance on using the forum you can find this in the Forum Guidelines and FAQs. If they don’t answer your question then please feel free to message me.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service. They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
(Forum Moderator)

[Tian]

Hello NoMoreAbuse25,

I am so sorry that you have had to go through all this. I can sympathise with the family that looked perfect to outsiders. I always felt like we were the family of swans, swimming majestically on the lake. No one saw the webbed feet paddling frantically underneath to keep it all afloat.

My personal experience (your mileage may vary) is that there were people who yummed up the stories of how our “perfect” family was actually dysfunctional. They ate so much of my unhappiness that they ended up making themselves feel sick. Then to make themselves feel better they started hinting that I was actually making bits up, exaggerating a bit, “just kidding”. I was so desperate for their validation that I showed them my proof. That just made them feel sicker so they got crankier.

Now I’m like the guy in the film I haven’t seen (someone please tell me where the reference comes from?) snarling “The truth? You can’t handle the truth!” Well, in my head anyway. I save my story for people who can understand and have empathy. People in support groups, people who have been trained in this stuff, people who know what it actually feels like.  The ones looking for a misery feast can watch a film or something.

And here’s the funny thing: the more reticent I become, the more people seem to believe me. Which completely sucks since at the start you NEED validation to process what has happened, and you believe that if you don’t explain you can’t be understood. I wish I’d sort out support groups and chatlines right at the start and got proper validation and empathy instead of just being feasted on.

Well done for coming here and stay strong xx

[Roseandthorn]

It’s been a while since you posted this but I wanted to share that I can relate and I am battling with the same feelings you are. My husband raped me, this was the worst incident as my hands were behind my back and I was sore the next day but because I was traumatised I couldn’t properly remember, memory has only just come back to me and now we are separated because of this. Now I am starting to realise that there were many times that coercion was used aswell and I’m starting to class this as rape now too. It’s so hard not wanting to ‘out’ him for what he has done and it makes me feel so angry that I don’t think I’ll ever get true validation. We have 2 children together and they have no idea, and like you I feel I don’t want to ruin their lives by people knowing or them knowing what he has done, on the other hand, because I’m scared of him and what he is capable of how do I keep my children safe but still have their dad in their lives that they live so much. I really don’t think he could hurt them but he definitely hurt me.
We are not alone. I am now realising that this probably happens all the time but lots of us keep the secret. Xx

[Roseandthorn]

I forgot to say I used to work with a Middle Aged woman, they had kids, I was a bit younger back then but I always remember she came into work and was suddenly getting divorced from her husband, I think I’d asked her about it and she just said ‘ oh there was no respect there anymore, no respect’ and that was it. Now I wonder if he had done something to her, he probably did. But that was all she said.
I really don’t know what I’m going to tell people either, I think I’ll just say oh we grew apart especially to acquaintances but my close friends know the real story already, so do his family as I confided thinking it might make him confess but it didn’t, and as the saying goes blood is thicker than water, they don’t want to know, they just want to pretend like it hasn’t happened.

[StrongLife]

Just say you split. I don’t tell people about this unless they are close. Workplaces and general people don’t need to know. Now I say I’m going through divorce and leave it at that. I speak to others going through similar things about it rather than layman. They don’t seem to understand

[InShock]

Seems I have a different outlook to others. My view is that abusers love our silence and thrive with a perfect public image. What good does it do for anyone to not share it (unless he’s gonna come for revenge if he finds out, which is why it’s important to document the abuse if possible, and to report to the police)? It hurts even more keeping it inside, to myself, as that would isolate me, and that’s what he tried to do to me is isolate me so much I lost sight of truth. I couldn’t help but speak about what he did to me, after I escaped, either in general to others or in detail with good friends.

I think a lot of professionals know that you cannot harm and abuse the other parent of your children yet be a good parent to your children. Children are victims of abuse if they witnessed abuse / if their mother is a victim. If someone has the tendency to abuse, it shows a very unsafe character and that the perpetrator is unable to actually love others.

So when my children ask me what happened I would like to be honest in an age-appropriate way about what was done to me/us, or at the very least, to highlight what behaviour is unacceptable (which they may be seeing from their father, if they’re in contact). let me tell you why: they deserve to know the truth and so that they can protect themselves from ever ending up with someone similar. Also, Kids have intuition : I feel not being honest can affect our closeness, as in you may be putting up a barrier between you and them whereas you should be able to feel close with your children — abusers love to break that bond. Lastly, if he’s not around then it helps prevent any idolisation. But if he’s around it can help protect them

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