How do i move on from this?

[deepbreath]

Hello,

I left my partner (detail removed by moderator) after his verbal abuse escalated into a situation that i could no longer keep to myself. Everything has moved so quickly, within 2 days the police were involved and i’m now living on a friend’s sofa and having to move back with my parents. I know from the professionals he is pathological and dangerous, but i am struggling so much. Rationally i can see the abuse and each day learning more – the gas lighting, the mental tricks, the guilt, twisting it so he’s “the victim”. But emotionally I cannot believe this is happening, that our future is gone, grieving for everything that was planned.I still feel that i am to blame, that maybe if i had been ‘a better girlfriend’ this wouldn’t have happened. How do you move on from this? How do you even begin to tell people? Why did this happen to me? I am only living hour by hour. Please help. x

[Serenity]

Hi Deep Breath,

I can totally identify with your post.

I would say that the way forward would be to get support, not to deal with this alone.

Things changed for me when I rang Women’s Aid. I was suddenly propelled towards all kinds of support and validation. I was given a DV outreach worker, directed to a DV affordable counsellor, a support group, a Freedom course…

I couldn’t have survived or got out if I hadn’t had all those support systems in place.

It’s so hard for us to come to terms with how they are, firstly because we aren’t like that and can’t comprehend how people can be so awful without having a conscience; but also- and maybe this is positive- even though we question ourselves, especially as our abuser blames us- I think deep down we know that we didn’t deserve such treatment, that we are worth more.

Hold on to that truth- that you aren’t to blame. All that he says is lies. Abusers project their own faults onto us. A lady who used to post on this forum used to say: ‘If you listen very carefully, you will see that they are talking about themselves, not us at all.’

[ILoveMusic]

Hi Deepbreath,

Give yourself a massive hug for having the courage to escape this abusive person. Living hour by hour is normal after going through the torture you have been through, so believe me when I say what you are experiencing is completely ok…it’s uncomfortable but necessary to an extent, and it will pass. Moving back to your parents could be a great thing and give you time to heal in a safe place. You need this. What you don’t need is him. You never need anyone around you ever again controlling you and making you feel awful. You have a wonderful chance to have a great future free from abuse..you would never have had that with him – abuser’s get worse, not better. Try to never contact him. Do not give in to his ‘nice side’ if he decides to present that to you again…it’s a game and he’s controlling that game. Be thankful you are out and as horrendous as it is, be thankful you saw this ‘person’ for what he is BEFORE you found yourself twenty years down the line, in a much worse state and regretting a few uncomfortable months of getting over this – which you will!!! He will be a memory..make him a memory..never look back..look forward to freedom..you had a life before him and you will have a life beyond him!! xx

[deepbreath]

Thank you so much for your messages, it’s what i needed to hear. He’s back in touch and is saying we need to meet alone to talk, that no one else can help with the situation, that he wants to do everything to make it better. But also playing down drastically what has been happening.

I’v been told not to contact and definitely not to meet him alone. This all sounds like it’s another game. Trying to remember that he will never change. xx

[ILoveMusic]

Hi Deepbreath,

Don’t cave into his BS – and that is exactly what it is..BS…’noone else can help with the situation?’..the situation that he created because he’s an abuser. He’s not your problem :-)..you are free of him…give him the shock of his life and tell him to jog on :-))..take control back for yourself…Ask yourself this DBreath – Imagine this was your daughter going through what you have being going through..would you suggest she continues to see or talk to this errr..’man?’…knowing she’s putting herself at risk?..Course you wouldn’t…Turn your back…keep on walking away…stay with your parents..be nice to yourself…you deserve so much more than this bully…you cannot change the essence of a person’s character…you know the real him and it’s nasty…oh and he wouldn’t be playing down anything that happened if he had been on the receiving end of it, would he?…Sending strength…!! X

[Confused123]

Hey hun

well done for taking action and getting out swiftly, block him on your phone, u def dont need to chat to him alone or char full stop so he can play the tears and convince u that u overreacted. U say your dream plans are shattered, hun u just broke from your nightmare that was about to escalate to another level, this is a blessing. These guys mess with how heads to another level, they say no contact for a reason, these guys are not normal, save yourself the heart pain and keep away

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