- This topic has 15 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 9 months ago by
older lady.
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11th September 2016 at 10:03 pm #27651
strawberryshortcake
ParticipantI live with my young child. I left my abuser a while ago. All through the relationship he bullied me about me keeping the baby. He did not want our child. He has had him alone maybe (detail removed by moderator) (very few if detail removed). He doesn’t turn up when he arranges to see the baby and always brings the baby back early. At the moment I am on ‘no contact’ with him….sservices have told me not to allow the baby out in car with him (no car seat but he doesn’t care). Women’s aid have also advised not to allow him to take the baby because I have genuine cause to believe he will ‘keep’ him and the police would be under no legal obligation to return the child. I want my baby to see the Dad but my baby needs to be safe. The dad is an emotionally abusive man and I have strong concerns about his ability and motives around the child. I am genuinely fearful my child will befall a terrible accident in his care….choking, falling from window. The dad drinks, uses drugs. I can’t report these because I am frightened, have no evidence. If I don’t allow access I am frightened he will take me to court and then get fifty fifty access. This is not in the best interests of a breastfed very young child…..but this is subjective dependent upon the judges views, isn’t it 😞 I am thinking about moving far away to protect my child……I’m scared, don’t know what to do. Please help me. So I am ceasing access because of no contact and fear of kidnap, but if I continue he may take me to court and get fifty fifty access. My solicitor seems to be willing to leave it to him to take me to court whereas I want to take it to court to set out a contact order and residency rights (to me)…..help.
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11th September 2016 at 10:15 pm #27653
Ayanna
ParticipantYou need to tell SS and the court about his drug and alcohol use. These are serious safeguarding concerns and he will not get the child when he does this.
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11th September 2016 at 10:22 pm #27656
strawberryshortcake
ParticipantOk. This is all such a horrible mess. Thanks. 😞
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11th September 2016 at 10:25 pm #27657
Peaceful Pig
ParticipantI agree that a court order and residency order would be better sooner rather than later as the younger your child is the more likely they will rule in your favour. There is a wealth of evidence on the crucial 1001 days, attachment, breastfeeding etc. However your solicitor may be hoping it was all hot air and your ex won’t actually bother with applying for contact. I also agree about telling SS your concerns about drugs and alcohol. Don’t worry about proof, that is their job to investigate if it becomes necessary. Does your ex have parental responsibility? I really feel for you, it is so scary and stressful Xx
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12th September 2016 at 8:39 am #27693
strawberryshortcake
ParticipantHey Peaceful Pig. I agree, I got the impression my solicitor just thought it was all kinda ‘hot air’ his threats but I cannot take that risk, can I? If I take to court do you think they would listen? Would it put my case in a ‘good light’ if I take it to court and would they listen….or does it not make a difference who takes it? Because if it doesn’t then there’s no point and I may as well lave it to him…
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12th September 2016 at 9:30 am #27695
Serenity
ParticipantI think you need to tell SS and – if it goes to court and they are involved- Cafcass. I agree with PP- it’s their job to investigate it, and you’ve raised your concern.
It’s highly unlikely that he would get 50/50 access. A baby that age depends upon the mother so much. A lot of what our abusers say are empty and unrealistic threats. They instil the fear of God into us just to try to scare us into not whistleblowing.
I think my ex is very damaging to my children and was terrified of any arranged access, but the NSPCC pointed out to me that if things are formalised, it’s more difficult for the abuser to continue to abuse. He had lots of opportunity to harass and abuse you if the content is arranged between yourselves and informal.
Once abusers realise that the contact is formal and that they are potentially under scrutiny, and they realise thy haven’t got 100% freedom to behave as they like, many of them get tired of having to behave themselves and they fall away. Both mine and Peaceful Pig’s exes are already cutting contact short and losing interest.
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12th September 2016 at 10:35 am #27705
SaharaD
ParticipantThey do tests to check drug and alcohol intake. It’s standard and all parents have to do it where there has been allegations of substance abuse. They have to assess parenting skills also. Contact court orders are a long process so baby may even be eating solid food before the result comes. be forewarned that they will test and assess you too.
Best advice is to keep baby away from him and register your concerns as pointed out above. It’s very unlikely that they will grant access to a child so young fifty/fifty or overnight.
I say enjoy this time with your baby bonding which will never be broken by him or any court system.
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12th September 2016 at 10:57 am #27707
Suntree
ParticipantSeriously follow your solicitors advice. I would let him take you to court, he might, he might not. If you take him to court you are going full stop. If he doesn’t at the moment have PR then the moment it goes to court he will.
A child needs a loving caring parent. Not an abusive one. Just because they share dna should not give a person the right to abuse a vulnerable child.
Get rid of the idea from your head the child needs that father. think would you let your women friends be around a man who treated them like that? Why would you do it to your child???
An abusive person to you will abuse the child full stop.
SS have already warned you not to allow him with the child in some circumstances. Heed that warning before they start saying you ignored their advice and you can’t be trusted to look after the child. Get the of advice in writing “sservices have told me not to allow the baby out in car with him (no car seat but he doesn’t care).” from them. (Bitter experience speaking here).
When you get into court yup the courts only powers is to STOP someone seeing their child if they want to.
In other words they can’t force someone to see a child but they can make you hand over the child to someone else.
Sending you hugs through this nightmare
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14th September 2016 at 6:27 pm #27954
strawberryshortcake
ParticipantThank you everyone. I’ve had a tough week. He saw me out with a friend, banged the window where I was, stormed in and told me he had researched me, I was on a register meaning I was unsafe to keep my son and that he was going to take him from me unless I cooperated. He said he was going to ensure things were going to get very nasty and that I was ‘on the radar’ it’s all rubbish but it scared me. I rang the police. They said they had grounds to arrest but I declined as he would lose his job. They said they would speak to him on the phone but he’s screening his calls (he knows it’s the police) so I hope they keep trying as I can’t have this left as it is. I’m worried the police won’t keep trying to reprimand him. He’s continued to contact me x3 since the incident on email. Beginning to wish I had just had him arrested.
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14th September 2016 at 6:52 pm #27957
Shelly123
ParticipantKeep a copy of all emails can you speak with a health visitor if you have one and raise your concerns?
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14th September 2016 at 7:09 pm #27959
KIP.
ParticipantKeep all the emails and texts. If someone witnessed this outburst, get them to write a statement. Build up a case against him. Keep a log of every incident. Speak to,your local womens aid for support.
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14th September 2016 at 9:28 pm #27978
strawberryshortcake
ParticipantI will and it was in front of a friend so have a witness X
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14th September 2016 at 11:30 pm #27995
Confused123
ParticipantHi Hun
I know we dont like going against them but we have to protect ourselves and our child. I would report your concerns to s s , like ladies have said it is there job to investigate not yours, so dont worryif u have no eveidence, most of these men do make empty threats and even if it does go to court it is better for u long run as he will be watched and monitored . Dontn worry if thepolcie call him, theyalways call on withheld no, i knwo u feel bad u dont want him to lose his job but do u think he feels bad when he threatens u, again its a tatic to control u, my ex threatend to kick my door down if i didnt let him in, i just called police who did him for drink driving and warning too stay away from me, his family cursed me for gettinghim banned but i dont care, it was his fault for threating me and d driving, dont take his guilt on for his abusive beahviour, he is choosing to behave that way. I know u want him to be in your child life but if he is emotionally abusive , think of impact, refuse to pass child over if there is no car seat, he really is palying a mind game, my ex did the same with me and my children were older , well done for getting this far, always post whenever u need advice
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15th September 2016 at 8:15 am #28014
older lady
ParticipantI think the issue of unsupervised contact is crucial. Contact must be safe. If you sense it is not then you are doing the right thing in stopping it and getting support and input from others, as you have. I can identify with your fears, I really can. Going to court to protect your child feels like a gamble with his future welfare and it shouldn’t be like this. My child’s father hasn’t taken me to court for unsupervised contact (I’m still waiting). Whenever he pushes for it I have always said no. I don’t have an alternative, not with the way he has behaved. When abusers ask you to ‘cooperate’ they mean something different to what a non abusive person means by cooperate. He really wants you to let him fly under the radar so that he can behave abusively with impunity towards you and your child, and you won’t have any kind of support network around you to help. You are very vulnerable like that. When we try to leave an abuser and need peace and time to heal, the abuser looks for another way in. He sees the child. He sees how he can abuse his legal rights as a parent. You will know he is not concerned about his parental responsibilities. They look for a way in that, on the surface of it, to someone who just doesn’t know, seems plausible. As the ladies have said, keeping a record helps identify why you are right to be concerned. I have little formal evidence (afraid to report it to the ‘authorities’, afraid they would just say I was mentally ill, afraid they would take my child, afraid he would deliberately hurt my child to get revenge on me, etc). I have some evidence, but it’s sporadic, but there is a pattern to abuse that reveals itself. People who know about domestic abuse recognise it. When we look back we realise just how bad it was but when we’re in it we’re just doing all we can to survive it. He will threaten you and he may act on those threats. I’ve had ‘by the time I’m finished with you, you won’t know your own name’ and ‘I know people who can sort you out’ and ‘I’ll take her (my daughter) and you’ll never see her again’ and ‘I’ll kill them’ (my family or anyone he thinks I might involve) and ‘I’m going to have a war with you’ Etc. His behaviour around my child was not acceptable. It was violent and abusive and unsafe in the ways you have described. If I have to go to court I will. I can’t agree to unsupervised contact. x*x
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20th October 2016 at 11:04 am #30449
Youruinme
ParticipantHi, I am also fearful of my ex gaining unsupervised contact. I could relate to you on many levels reading your post. I also didn’t report abuse when we were together as it was mainly emotional and some sexual! But the sexual was done on an coiercive level it is only once you walk away and the fog lifts abit you see how you have been manipulated. I am so terrified of him having my baby unsupervised he has never met her and we are currently going through family court awaiting a fact finding hearing I’m dreading it. Can you request unsupervised indefinitely because Iv this is very rare! I hate it what abusive manipulator is going to show signs of being no good when being heavily supervised? It’s obvious they will play the game to get unsupervised it makes me so angry and sick! X
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20th October 2016 at 12:35 pm #30455
older lady
ParticipantHello, youruinme. So sorry to read your post and what you are going through. Our situations are different in that I have not been through the court system. My daughter’s father does have contact with her. What I meant is that although my daughter’s father has requested unsupervised time with her I have never agreed to this and told him he must take me to court for it, at which point all I can do is present my case. Now, he has never done this, and I don’t know why. I have spoken with lots of solicitors and other agencies over the years and taken advice but all I can say is every situation is different and all you can do is get advice and decide the best course of action for your own circumstances. I have been consistently advised that if I have concerns for my child’s welfare do not agree to unsupervised contact. You are doing your best, coming from a position of wanting to safeguard your child and yourself. That’s all you can do. Xx
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