How do I stop pitying him and wanting to make it better

[Bulbssprouting]

We are separated, and I have the house, in fact everything, and he has nothing. I know he will be in a very dark place, and the alcohol will be very close. I’m keeping strong on not contacting, and legally (bail and non molestation orders) he can’t contact me. How do I get the anxiety about how he is out of my head. I almost can’t bear it and at times feel so guilty that I have pushed him into a pit. My sensible head is saying that he did this to himself, but in the small hours the bit of me that still loves the person he was when I fell in love starts to think.
I’m new on this whole thing so would welcome thoughts from others who have been there and ideas on how I can get him out of my mind.
Of course I am remembering the good times, which became few and far between, and when I tell people about the bad I realise how sensitised I had become. In a way it makes me feel like a fool, how did I put up with stuff for so long? On the outside I am an intelligent successful woman, but I still let myself become a victim.
Thank you for listening x

[Lisa]

Hello,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. What you are going through isn’t easy- you can’t switch your feelings off,its understandable you are still worrying about him. You didn’t let yourself become a victim- you are not responsible for his behaviour or what happened.

Abusive men are very manipulative and the person you fell in love with was likely a persona he used to draw you in-its okay to have feelings and to feel compassion- try and direct that compassion towards yourself.

You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at
Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[Happybelle]

Here with you today. Only been a short while and also bail conditions in place for my now ex.
Starting to get those feelings too – is he ok, has he spent all his money, where’s he living, what’s he doing now. Feeling that way is what has put me here and why it unfortunately ended as it did but the nice memories are creeping in.
All I would suggest is make a list of everything awful that happened and look at it. Remind you of why the police ended up being called. Remind you of why you should not be together. It’s helping me at the
Moment but it’s still hard.
All the positives of the relationship ending is now real hard graft to stay on track with my own dreams now.

[maddog]

It takes time to recognise that the apparent Good Times were really only a facade. Also, it’s important to understand that your involvement with this man-child isn’t your fault. He selected you. He love bombed you and mirrored your interests. He did everything in his toolkit to hook and reel you in.

You’re bang on about him doing this to himself. Of course he’s pitiful, and it’s sad to see a person dissolve into a mess of their own making. He’s unlikely to change, and although it’s quite a trip, you can learn and grow from the experience. Bad things happened to this man way way before you came along and sadly as a partner, there’s absolutely nothing we can do to remedy the situation.

A common theme with abusers is that we fall in love with someone who isn’t there. The mask slips and the best we can do is to recognise the behaviour, maintain a No Contact regime and stay well out.

You’re doing really well! Baby steps. It really matters to keep doing little acts of kindness towards yourself. This can include the really basic stuff like cleaning your teeth or making yourself a cup of tea.

[Bulbssprouting]

@maddog Thank you for those wise words, in particular about him being damaged long before I knew him. You are right and I am holding that thought close to me today.

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Bulbssprouting

Feeling sorry for someone is never reason to be with them, and when I held onto this I believe it gave me clarity, a lot.

Also, he’s not your friend, he showed you he was your enemy that you need protection from.

Hold your head high and move beyond any guilt, step away and forwards and leave it behind, you did all you humanly could, but it was never going to work, you were never going to be able to fix him.

Lastly, but not least, you didn’t ‘let’ him, although you could be hanging onto responsibility for his abuse, it takes a multitude of interacting tactics, gaslighting and grooming to put you, a strong successful woman in the place he put you. You were just being human and were exploited. No conman’s victim is at fault. Scamming is on the rise, it’s the scammers fault,always, and it’s criminal.

warmest wishes

ts

[Lazarus17]

Hi Bulbssprouting. I could have written your original post myself a short ish while ago!

I still have the odd day where I wonder if my ex is ok – but they are few and far between, so rest assured it does get easier. I still have to tell my head to “have a word” with my heart sometimes!

You say

Of course I am remembering the good times, which became few and far between, and when I tell people about the bad I realise how sensitised I had become.

Just keep reminding yourself of this. Talk to people, anyone who’ll listen really, to tell them of those bad times if you can. It can be a reality check if you ever start to reminisce about the “good old days” that really weren’t!

And of course, the more time passes, chances are the more you’ll remember other bad things that you blocked out. It kinda makes you feel like even more of an idiot for putting up with it, but as least your memories are more balanced/objective.

What helped me? Every time I thought of empathising/sympathising, I overlaid those thoughts with the word “lies” – good and loud (in my head!) As the good times never came without a price to pay, they were lies. Oh and I stopped using my ex’s name – to me names have power. I removed that power by referring to him as **** (no point me typing it, the moderator’s will have their way 😀 )

Keep repeating “the only one who did this to him, is him!” He’s a grown man, responsible for his own actions. Chances are he selected you for exactly who you are – intelligent, successful and compassionate. He just didn’t realise you could be super-strong too! Stay strong! Honestly, it does get easier.x

[Author]

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