How do I tell my mother?

[Milkpop]

I have a very close relationship with my mother. Growing up she was a victim of abuse at the hands of my father and she raised us to be strong and independent. She taught us to never let what happened to her happen to us.

I have recently left an abusive situation and am basically without a home right now. She lives millions of miles away and knows nothing. But I know she can sense something is wrong with me. We used to talk on the phone every week but after my ex partner started becoming increasingly violent and manipulative the weekly calls dwindled into fortnightly texts.

I usually tell my mother everything. I am scared to tell her this. I am scared to tell her that I was involved with someone who was abusive and that I am scared to go back to my apartment with all my belongings. I am scared that she will judge me or be disappointed. I know if I tell her the first thing she will feel is upset that this has happened or that I did not reach out to her sooner. I am sure a lot of children know that seeing their mother cry is one of the worst things in the world. She has protected me and sacrificed so much. I simultaneously know that she would want to know but also I do not want to tell her cos it will hurt her.

She is travelling from home in a month to come see me (detail removed by moderator). I do not know if I should tell her before or after. She has just texted me the sweetest message out of the blue (which probably means she knows I am going through something) and I want to tell her but I do not know how to even begin such a conversation.

[iwillbeok]

Hi hon,

Telling my Mum was the hardest conversation ever. But oh so worth it. My parents have been my biggest supporters going through this.

It took me a little while to build up the courage but once I made the call it all just came out. My relationship with my Mum and Dad had become very surface level (as were most of my interactions with people) as he very subtly isolated me and I self- edited and hid my shame.

It sounds to me like your Mum will be there for you. Especially as you say you think she has an idea that something is up. It is sad that she has gone through a similar situation but she will hopefully be able to understand too.

Hon, make that call. At this horrible time we need all the support we can get. As a Mum myself I would support my kids to the end of the earth.

Iwillbeok x

[Chickadee]

Hi Milkpop.

You come right out with it. Be honest. The longer you put it off the worse it will be. It is eating away at you. And as you said she knows something is out of sorts with you, so being that your close she is most likely wondering why you are not telling her.

All your fears and being scared is the abuse. It is how you feel from him. Not actually your Mum.

Your Mum loves you. As you stayed yourself she has sacrificed and protected you. Your telling her will not hurt her, she is your Mum and she will superceed it because she will be more concerned about how to help you.

Yes. One of the worst things is seeing your Mum cry. Mums are our world. They give life to us and are there for every scrape and tear. I could not stand to see my Mum cry as she went through lung to brain cancer. She cried wanting to see her friends, me, her grandchildren. And wanting more time to spend with all of us. She cried out in physical pain. We are taught and raised to highly respect our parents. And I can tell you respect your Mum. Stop wasting time, that may not be there. One day my Mum was a radient, active beautiful woman and picture of health, she went down hill within a few weeks to going in for a diagnosis of stage four cancer. Time is a commodity that is precious and we can not get back and do not have enough of.

Congratulations (detail removed by moderator) . Telling her before she arrives or after she gets there is not an answer anyone can give you. That has to be your choice. The unspoken words and silence need to pass. You will tell her as soon as you are ready and she knows that, she is being supoortive already and showing you respect.

Start at the beginning……Mum I’ve been going through an abusive situation……..

Here when you need to talk. Prayers and Hugs!

Chickadee

[backtome]

Chances are honey she already knows, as in she has guessed, having been through it herself and being your Mum.

Like others said, be honest with her, tell her you’re out of it and safe now. She will understand, and she will understand why you didn’t tell her sooner because she’s been there, she was you, so she knows.

Well done for getting out! x*x

[Clueless]

It took me so long to tell my family about what I was feeling. Just kept hiding my unhappiness but little did I know they all knew something was wrong, weight was dropping of me, tired looking all of the time. I don’t live close to them so I thought I was getting away with just pretending everything was normal and ok. Then one day I just had something inside me saying something needs to be done. I was unaware at 9th is point I was living with domestic abuse. I just knew something wasn’t right. So I couldn’t really explain everything to them but just letting them know my unhappiness and need of support well it changed me as a person right there. Since then I have told my family what they need to know bit by bit. After each therapy sessions I talk through it with my mum and I’ve reconnected my love with my family and if anything this abuse I’ve been living with has brought me and family back together again.its been a very long time since I’ve felt like this. I’m still in the process of trying to flee but with my family by my side I’m a stronger person than I ever have been.
Sorry a bit of a ramble there! But yes just tell your mum. Please it’s the best thing you could do for yourself and her.
Take care
Xxxxxx

[KIP.]

I think she will already know. Having been through it herself I cannot imagine a better person to confide in. My mum just told me she wished I’d told her sooner so she could have helped. She was very supportive x you need all the help you can get just now. Ring the helpline on here for advice about safely exiting the relationship

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