how do you do it?

[snowinsummer]

I don’t look on here very often because I don’t get much time for myself. (Detail removed by Moderator) my husband and daughter (detail removed by Moderator) were arguing upstairs. When I asked her what happened she said he picked things up in her room as if to throw them at her. If this was a stranger I would’ve thrown him out there and then but it’s her dad and it’s so complicated. I have put up with years of emotional stuff from him but I can’t let this happen to her. She kept saying “I’m not scared of him”. I’m going to try and talk to her tutor at school so they know but I don’t know how to go about this. I am so scared when he gets really angry and I know telling him to leave will not go well. I don’t have any money of my own and nowhere to go. There are a lot of issues but how do you deal with this? I don’t know what to do. Thanks for reading.

[Needtoclarify]

Hi, I think you’re right, you know the emotional abuse he’s capable of and how it makes you feel as an adult, so yes, you cannot let this happen to her.

Can you maybe bring your daughter for a coffee and chat and ask her exactly how she is feeling? Saying ‘I’m not scared of him’ could be a bravado but likely really is afraid and felt threatened. Albeit, her dad, he doesn’t have the right to make her feel unsafe and upset her home environment. This is her sense of belonging and security at home, especially in her bedroom, should be a personal safe space.

Do you have any family or friends you could go to? If this isn’t an option, would you consider women’s shelter until you can get him removed from the home if that is what u want for you and your daughter? I think if you brush this off it will only escalate and more than likely happen again.
Not a nice or safe environment for a child and as scary as it is taking action, it’s scary living in fear and damaging to your child and her worth x

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, I would guess that it is bravado saying she’s not afraid although it isn’t about your daughter being fearful or not. Her dad threatened her and she’s a child, she will be feeling a mixture of feelings as we are raised to feel safe around our parents.

Try not to think of all that ‘could be’ if you leave. If you think too far ahead it can become overwhelming, take it day by day, keep a journal of abuse. If you are thinking of leaving then do not tell him, speak to Women’s Aid, get support for you and your children, safety plan ahead with support. I found my citizens advice bureau very helpful in my area. I attend courses there to help me overcome the mental torture ny ex put me through.

Now my husband has gone (finally!) Both my children are affected, they were raised around emotional abuse, manipulation, watching their dad drag me off when they were younger, my ex pinning my youngest down to show control etc… my ex had control over all of us.

I informed my children’s school via pastoral care about their fathers abuse. I also booked them in individually to speak to our GP, I gave them safe places to speak their truth. As yes it is their dad but he is abusing them so I stopped contact for a bit, now both my children do not contact their dad as they know what he is. Educating children on red flags and green flags within relationships really helped my 2. My eldest read livING with the Dominater as it helped her understand the subtle abuse as well as obvious abuse within a relationship. My daughter is teenager but not too young a teen to understand.

Also, just because he is the biological father of your child does not give him any rights whatsoever to threaten his child by going to throw things at her, that is him getting control via fear.

Stranger or father you can ask the police to remove him as he is now threatening your child, there are laws in place to help you. We are brainwashed into believing we need to keep these abusive men in our children’s lives… we don’t, what good can being raised around abuse do to a child. We know already how much it f***s our own minds up and we’re adults.

Good idea to take your daughter out for lunch or a coffee to chat things over

There’s help out there. I left after over 2 decades of abuse… just wish I had done it sooner. I have no money but I now have some peace and the anxieties have lessened.

Take baby steps, write down his abusive episodes. You sound like a great mum, you have got this.
Keep posting ❤️

[snowinsummer]

Thanks, I spoke to her tutor at school today who is going to try and speak with her and support her. I do feel very overwhelmed about it all. Thank you for your replies, it’s helpful and I’m very grateful.

[Bananaboat]

My ex would intimidate my eldest and the GP recommended a text counselling service for teens called Kooth. Mine would say similar things about not being scared but now we’re out they’ve admitted to being scared and feeling unsafe at home, there are also scars from belittling comments and career prospects that have cut deep. They only get one childhood and unlike adults who have the option to leave or go for a walk, or bite back, kids don’t have that same escape route. Hope the school can help but if not then try your gp or local dv charity/service. You both deserve better x

[snowinsummer]

thank you

[Author]

Posts