How do you make the decision to permanently leave your abuser and how to do it?

[53V3N777]

Hi all I am new to the new forum, I am so grateful to have this platform to have others who understand and can relate how isolating these types of relationship be can. To give you all a bit of context, I have been with my partner for (removed by moderator) and throughout this whole time, i’ve been emotionally abused, it’s only recently that I had acknowledge this and come to terms with it, as it’s very difficult to define, but by educating yourself you can relate to the signs.Even though, my friends and family told me countless times, that I am in a emotionally abusive relationship months ago and to exit it. My partner and I, we don’t live together or have children, however I have tried to leave my partner (removed by moderator) times in the last (removed by moderator) or so, breaking up with him over text, on the phone and face to face. Consequently, he’s come to house crying, begging and rejecting or respecting the fact I want to end this relationship. I know that even though, I am quite scared to exit the relationship due to fimilarity of it. I know I need to do so, as once I do it, I’ll be happier in the long run and I deserve to be happy. Thank you so much for reading my post, if anyone has any advice please, on how to permanently exit from your abuser, I would really appreciate it. Xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi there,

When there are no financial ties, no children involved, each person has their own accommodation, these should be the simplest relationships to end. I say should because the reality is that there is nothing at all to bind you to each other once the relationship is over. When it comes to leaving abusers it is never that simple!

In your case, this can be dealt with as stalking and harassment. If you are adamant that this is over, but what you are struggling with is the constant phone calls and pleading and turning up at your house, then you need to send him one final text informing him that the relationship is over and you do not wish to hear from him again, that if he continues to contact you or turn up you will report him to the police for harassment and stalking. This may do the trick. If it doesn’t, report him and the Police may apply for a Stalking Protection Order for you.

Men who cannot accept rejection can be quite dangerous, so if you do feel scared and uneasy by his actions post separation then don’t ignore those feelings. You need to send him a clear message that the relationship is over if that is what you want and then go zero contact with him and reply to NOTHING. If he sends messages that he is going to kill himself, do not respond, just let the Police know and ask them to do a safe and well check. They’ll probably turn up to find a perfectly healthy man who will claim to know nothing about feeling suicidal and say you’re making it up. It will get recorded with the Police though as they’ll have to submit a Vulnerable Adult Concern on him. If he turns up at your door, do not answer it, do not engage with him from a window or behind a closed door, call the Police.

If you don’t take this firm stand then you will find yourself back in this situation time and time again, because he’ll start to learn that after 5 weeks you’ll give in and take him back. The next time you might last 6 weeks, and so on, but he’ll learn that the more he pleads it will eventually work. That’s why getting the Police involved may have to be the way forward.

Once he knows you’re serious about this being over, don’t be surprised if he moves on to someone else very quickly. Men who cannot take rejection can rarely function on their own for long and have a need to be with someone, often anyone will do. You may feel that he has done this to get back at you and make you panic that he has moved on and if you don’t act quick you will have lost him for good. Part of that may be true, but he will also need to replace you with someone else because he can’t be alone. Prepare yourself for this and the hurt and upset that you may find yourself facing if you find out that he has met someone else.

Do you know if any of his ex partners have had to have Restraining Orders or Non Molestation Orders at all? One lady I’ve dealt with tried to leave her boyfriend and told me that his last two girlfriends had both had to get Restraining Orders, yet for some reason she seemed surprised that she may need one too!

[53V3N777]

Hi Wants To Help,

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it and all the advice. However a part of me is struggling to leave and I don’t know why that is, even though I know that in the long run I will be happier without him. Also, just learning how to heal properly, deeply and thoroughly from the abuse and previous abuse I received with my previous ex, is why I’m in this situation, as I didn’t heal so I learnt the importance of healing. Exactly like you said the after math of leaving, what’s going to happen and be said about our relationship, as we have a lot of mutual friends. I have only spoken to one of his ex partners briefly, but she didn’t mention anything about a order or getting the police involved.

Thank you for your advice and being so open and honest.

53V3N777 X

[53V3N777]

Hi Wants To Help,

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it and all the advice. However a part of me is struggling to leave and I don’t know why that is, even though I know that in the long run I will be happier without him. Also, just learning how to heal properly, deeply and thoroughly from the abuse and previous abuse I received with my previous ex, is why I’m in this situation, as I didn’t heal so I learnt the importance of healing. Exactly like you said the after math of leaving, what’s going to happen and be said about our relationship, as we have a lot of mutual friends. I have only spoken to one of his ex partners briefly, but she didn’t mention anything about a order or getting the police involved.

Thank you for your advice and being so open and honest.

53V3N777 X

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