How do you move on?

[Put the kettle on]

I’m a few months out of a long term relationship and I feel a bit lost at times. I don’t have many hobbies, I struggle to concentrate at the moment, I have a young child and want to get back to work. I don’t know what career, or where to start. I know you can’t tell me that kind of thing I just wondered how you got yourselves back on track if you’re at that stage? How did you build your confidence back up?

[Yellowflower]

Hi putthekettle on just wanted to say I know how you feel I’m in exactly the same position. Then your also torn between your young child and getting the work balance right. All I can say is lately I’ve found baby steps really help. Setting myself little goals of what I want to achieve that week and chiselling away at that. I’ll be interested to see if anyone has any tips too! Honestly though we’re all here for you and I know exactly how you feel! Sorry I’m not much more help xx

[colouringinfairy]

It’s completely understandable to feel that way, Put the kettle on. I hope you’re okay after what you’ve been through. For me, it took a little bit to get back on my feet but I found self care/love was the best thing for me. I went back to therapy, cried a lot and whenever I needed to. Working help. I made new friends and very slowly over time built up a social life outside of my ex. I leaned heavily on my very close friends and family. Made sure I ate. Watched TV shows that took my mind off things and made me feel better. Eventually I started pin pointing things I wanted from life and to do. Joined a choir, got a cat I had wanted for years, new home, new area, looking into doing a criminal psychology degree. Basically I just threw myself into things I loved for myself – it was nice to not have to worry about him and how he would react to anything I was doing. It takes time and I agree with Yellowflower, it’s all about baby steps. But the biggest piece of advice I can give you is just to be kind to yourself, take your time and feel your feelings. Don’t force yourself to move on and be okay if you’re not ready. Talk to people you trust. It will get easier with time, I promise x

[Put the kettle on]

Thanks yellow flower and colouring in fairy, I’m feeling so s*** about myself today, I feel worthless, unlovable, like I must have caused his behaviour. I’m not saying this for sympathy I’m just sharing. The ex has been mean still and then I saw him recently and he looked sad (I do question if it was genuine or for show) but either way I feel bad for him. It’s so frustrating I have a day where I feel a bit better but then I’ll hear from him (via third party) and it’s like I can’t think straight, I feel panicky and then I feel bad again. When we got married I thought I knew what my future held but now i feel like I’m alone. I feel like there’s so much outside pressure to just get over it and move on

[colouringinfairy]

I know exactly how you feel hun. Just to be clear – I don’t feel I have fully moved on just yet and it’s been half a year. I have had to change a lot to even get to the point where I am for a fresh start. Any kind of contact, or being told about them by a third party can set you back so badly. When my ex was arrested for my assault, the police told him not to go anywhere near me. He said something along the lines of I don’t want to go near her anyway. It hurt so much. It made me feel like s**t about MYSELF, like there was something wrong with ME when HE was the one in a jail cell for assaulting me! It’s crazy how our minds twist the reality of the situation. The reality is – he is the worthless one, who does not know how to love, and his behaviour is caused by no one else but himself. For a while I looked in the mirror every day and hated who I saw. Now, even though I’ve put on a bit of weight (I call it happy weight cos I’m not starving myself due to anxiety), I look at myself and think god – I am so glad I am not him. For all my faults I’m a good person, and I have survived something horrific – he is the one who has to live with himself for the rest of his life. How awful must it be to live in a mind like that? You are worth SO much – he knows it, everyone else knows it – now it’s time for you to know it. You have to keep telling yourself that and reinforcing positive messages about yourself to yourself. You are strong, and one day you will be loved by some truly deserving of you. I know it feels like there is pressure to get over it and move on, I have felt that too. This is why this forum is such a great space as we all understand it just doesn’t work like that.
Even though I don’t want to be with my ex, I have still cried twice in the last week all this time later cos I miss him and love him. It takes so much time and the pain never truly goes away, we just learn to manage it. You’re doing great and we are all here for you x

[Put the kettle on]

I get that, you know you don’t want to be with them or know you shouldn’t but you still miss them at times, it’s awful. Any contact really distressed me, whether it’s his post arriving or through third party it’s like I shut down. I thought I was going to explode through stress this week, I know it sounds dramatic I just felt so overwhelmed. For many years I did my best to keep my emotions hidden (wasn’t allowed any had to be the happy dutiful wife) and so now I’ve got so many different feelings and emotions and it’s really hard. I just don’t see things getting better, I question whether it was worth leaving. He’ll cause me problems whether we’re together or not. I’m glad you feel more positive about yourself and recognise he’s at fault. I can’t get my head around that for me yet, I think I must have done something to deserve it. I know I betrayed him phoning police.

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