How do you overcome guilt?

[gettingtired]

I am beginning to notice the extent of the guilt I am made to feel on a regular basis. I’m hoping others here can relate to this. 

Even if I buy myself a small, inexpensive item at the supermarket that he doesn’t like I might get a comment as to why I didn’t buy something that both of us like. I then use an example of how it’s ok for him to buy items he likes (that I don’t) but I’m scoffed at and labelled as being petty. Or I’m continuously moaned at that I never show any affection, even asked why I get up out of bed in the morning and don’t stay there with him (why would I stay in bed with someone that’s asleep when I’m awake?!) and the list goes on. A lot of it is small, subtle things but they do chip away at me and I have to constantly defend myself. I can see through it more now but I still feel like a bad person sometimes. 

I’ve recently spoken to my local DA service for the first time who said from what I’ve told them already they can see that I’m in a relationship that has control factors and that they think that I have become so accustomed to them that it is like normal life for me. I’m sure most people on this forum have or did become accustomed as well.. 

So my question is, how do you stop the feelings of guilt? I am consumed with it.  I’ve written lists and remember plenty of bad incidents but I can’t spend all day re-reading them to remind myself and the guilt just takes over in my brain when I think about leaving him. 

I read a really interesting passage that stood out to me in the book -‘Healing from Hidden abuse’ by Shannon Thomas which I wanted to share. (I’ve shortened it a bit):

“A day does not go by that I don’t hear a person openly question how they ended up in a relational mess. One of the big aha moments comes when people realise that they were specifically targeted. Yes, you were spotted and chosen. Psychological abusers set out to trick people, and they know exactly what they do. They actually know better than anyone the lies they tell, the games they play, and the enjoyment they derive from controlling others. You may not agree with me and wonder if they are just victims of their own life circumstances. I strongly believe that until victims know deep in their souls that it is a choice to be an abuser, they will continue to entertain pity for toxic people. That mental trap has no place in recovery.”  

The author is right but how do you come to believe that? I still feel like my partner is a victim of of poor parenting which has given him this view of the world so how would he know how else to deal with people? I also worry about him being lonely and depressed if I went as he always says he wants us to work out and the future to be good. 
I am terrible at feeling sorry for people (not just him) but everywhere in life so I can’t help but feel bad. 
How are you supposed to leave when you’re still feeling pity for the abuser? 

Thanks for reading x 

[Darcy]

Good afternoon my beautiful angel… gettingtired
My first question has to be to you … why aren’t you feeling ‘pity’ for yourself?
You can recognise everyone else’s needs but your own… why is that?
You also need to ask yourself the question where does the guilt come from in you?
Why can’t you have something of your choice from the supermarket?
Yes he makes you feel guilty but the trigger comes from within you that you don’t deserve anything and my darling you deserve so much more
You sound like you have an understanding of what’s going on, I would really urge you to start to tune into you, instead of focusing on his behaviour start putting that energy into you. This will help you to build on your self love and build your boundaries. Start to step back into your power.
You cannot change him … I spent so much time and energy hating my ex… what a waste when I could of channeled that energy onto me. As soon as I took the focus off him, my life began to change quicker that I could have imagined.
When you love yourself you will not hurt yourself or allow anyone else to hurt you
Sending you love and support
Darcy xx

[gettingtired]

Thank you Darcy. You’re a really lovely person.
Unfortunately the work on myself is difficult to do whilst I’m with him as he’s gotten worse (he knows I’m onto him) and there’s become a bit of a time limit on how long I have to get out before I’m pushed into a commitment with him. Can’t say it publicly on here, I could get out of the commitment but don’t really want to go ahead with it if I can escape before. The problem is I’m just feeling so stuck. I’m very unhappy and my anxiety is getting worse and worse. I keep worrying that something will happen to one of my close family members and then I’ll never be able to live with myself for staying with him when he’s horrible to me and my family love me. Last time he bl*w up he actually said he doesn’t care about me. But then he’s back to being nice so I’m back to feeling guilty and clinging onto that little nice part of him. I’m also due to go back to work soon which is stressing me out. Sorry to ramble on. I hope you’re having a peaceful weekend xx

[Rising Tide]

gettingtired,

Your partner sounds so much like mine. Controlling those little things. Making you feel guilty for a bit of time or happiness for yourself. Because this was how he was raised. His father was just as horrible to his mother, so he thought it was how marriage should be.

What struck me about your post was your concern for your family member if you left him. While I don’t know the details of your situation, I imagine what your family member really wants is for you to be happy. They don’t want you stuck in a lifetime of manipulation and abuse. Leaving him would be loving for both of you.

And if he is treating you so badly now, just imagine how it will escalate if you committed. He’ll feel even more entitled to tell you when and where to sleep.

Have you read Games People Play by Eric Berne? It’s not directly about abuse, but sheds light on the difference between indirect communication and creating high-stakes manipulation.

[gettingtired]

Hey, thank you for your comment.
Leaving date is really soon and I’m doubting myself so much and whether I can go through with it 😪 especially as there haven’t been any big blow ups from him over the past few days which makes me feel worse. He’s really anxious about something that’s happening for him soon so wants consoling and pity from me which again adds to my guilt. I think it will be the shock of his life for me to actually leave him. The reality is he has demanded I move out on and off for years now but I guess he said it knowing I probably wouldn’t. I think he knows I keep the abuse a secret from my family.
I haven’t heard of that book so I will take a look, thank you.

[Rising Tide]

Are you getting support from Women’s Aid to make a safe plan to leave? I keep reading it’s the most dangerous time. While my abuser is out of the house, he’s making trouble through legal proceedings. Like yours, he said he wanted the marriage to end, told me how I was the worst person in his life and the marriage made him miserable. Yet, now that divorce is on the table, he’s finding all kinds of reasons to delay it. Odds are this is because he wants to keep me in his web of manipulation, and doing that will be harder once the legal ties are cut.

Can you tell your family about the abuse? Letting them know what’s going on so they know what warnings signs to look out for could help you stay safe.

[Hawthorn]

Hi GT,

Being aware of how you’re thinking is the first step in changing it. Noticing the guilt and realising it is unrealistic, giving yourself a good talking to when you notice yourself feeling that way. Darcy makes excellent points, you DO deserve so much better, and you need to start telling yourself that. You might not believe it at first but with practice and repetition it will sink in.

Early in my recovery a very wise woman told me to think about my life and where I felt sympathy for people, not empathy. Pitying them like you do your boyfriend and others. Empathy let’s you acknowledge the suffering of others, and help them find a solution “That’s really awful, what’s your plan for dealing with that?”. Boundaries are clear and it is that person’s responsibility to sort their problem, you are a guide or a support, not the solution; A guide, not a god.

Sympathy is pity. It says ” That’s awful, let me fix that for you, what can I do to deal with that for you”. It makes you take responsibility for an issue that is not yours to fix. None of us can fix another person, however bad we might feel for them or how much we might love them. We can only heal ourselves.

We always hear “Love thy neighbour as thyself” but forget that involves loving and valuing ourselves first. Or as the amazing Ru Paul says “If you dont love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else”.xx

[gettingtired]

That’s a really good point re sympathy and empathy. I really do intend to stop falling into the trap of wanting to rescue others in the future and instead offer support with the general approach of it being their responsibility and not mine x*x

[Scapegoat]

This is really difficult and something I struggle with. Like you my oh is the product of poor parenting and he really has endured some c**p treatment form his parents when he was growing up. But he’s not growing up any more, he’s not willing to get professional help, which he feels makes him some kind of hero. And I’ve come to realise no matter what I do, it will never be enough.
Whatever I do , whether it’s pay all the bills, tidy the house, pay for holidays, buy presents, sort things out for him none of it is enough and now I’ve reached the point where I don’t want to as it’s constantly thrown in my face, unrecognised or appreciated and the goalpost keeps moving further away.
Like you I’m questioned about what time I got to bed, what time I get up, if I go to the toilet in the night. But he has some kind of pass to do what the hell he likes without question. Hypocrisy I think. My counsellor told me I’m completely brainwashed by him as everything I do revolves around thinking how will he react.

I feel it’s selfish to think about me and even if I do speak out to someone about him, I feel like I’m being devious and going behind his back despite how he’s treated me both physically and emotionally. I think it’s because we are decent people and can recognise right from wrong and I’m not suggesting they don’t know right from wrong, more that they feel they are superior to others and entitled to adoration, attention and basically being able to do what the hell they like. And actually we are supporting that by going along with it and tolerating it. In the same breath when I fight back and defend myself and say I’m not tolerating it, things will really escalate and he will always flip it to being my fault. And because I may have behaved irrationally I end up feeling guilty as I can see traits of him appearing in me.
You are a person. You deserve respect, love and to make your own choices too. Why shouldn’t you? It’s not unreasonable. You feel guilty as that’s how he makes you feel and you are being conditioned to act to tend to his needs. Would you be offended if he got early, or came to bed late? No neither would I and mine does quite regularly if he can make it to bed at all.
You are not being selfish by wanting something in the supermarket or getting up to do whatever you do. You deserve so much more but you’re not even getting it from yourself as you’re so hung up on how he’s feeling and keeping him sweet ( I’m so guilty of this)

I used to think mine couldn’t help what he did. Now I know it’s all part of control and getting what he wants. He is manipulative, calculated and only out for himself. A good read his Mind Games by Pamela Kole and Emotional Abuse Breakthrough by Barrie Davenport.

Sending you lots of love and warm wishes 💕

[gettingtired]

Thank you 🧡 You’re right with everything you’ve said. I think eventually it’s going to get to the point of us choosing to save ourselves or them.
Like you, I know what’s going on but have had years of brainwashing into feeling guilty if I put my feelings before his.
Thank you for the book recommendations, I’ll have a look at those online x*x

[Darcy]

You said it beautifully my angel … Save yourself or them??
We all have to be responsible for saving ourselves
We have to gather up all of the pieces of us we have given away to people we shouldn’t have and fill ourselves back up with love and respect so that we can save ourselves and live the life we truly deserve
No one should be suffering xx

[Camel]

Hi GT

That quote about victims being targeted by abusers who know exactly what they’re doing? Wow! It took over a decade for me to realise my abuser actually sought me out. One day he didn’t exist, then suddenly he was everywhere. Once I found him parked outside the house I shared with people he used to work with. He could have phoned them to arrange a night out but instead he was hanging around ‘just in case.’ I think I was flattered at the time. Now I hope I’d recognise stalking for what it is.

[Author]

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