How do you respond to their behaviour?

[Sad and alone]

Wondering what others do in my situation.
He’s been in a bad mood for a few days. He says it’s because of a business thing that he blames me for. Even when things are sorted as per his instructions he changes the goalposts and blames me for things out of my control.
he has been making digs and doing really little things which I take as him being displeased. Very up and down. One minute chatting about something, next being standoffish or making sarcastic remarks.

(detail removed by Moderator) he was meant to go somewhere but said he wasn’t going to bother as he doesn’t know why he does things around the place and why he’s bothering. Then he was just sat looking depressed. I try not to get into anything as it always turns into an argument but couldn’t bear the atmosphere so asked if he wanted to talk. Of course it was about how I’m not pulling my weight, it’s not a normal relationship, I don’t try, I’m not interested… I’m making him ill in various ways, physically and mentally. And I didn’t want to but as soon as I say anything back he says I’m being argumentative and I’m wrong and he’s not being nasty just telling the truth and I’m a (detail removed by Moderator). Then in the next instant he’s making a reference to sex which just baffles me how they feel hard done by if there’s no physical relationship. Like you’re meant to be all over them after they tear you to pieces. I left the place but have to go back so no doubt it’ll carry on. I said to him all he does is rehash things that have happened in the past, dragging up mistakes I have made, and how does he think that helps anything? And when I point out that when I do get stuff done as he’s asked he’s still not happy about it he denies it.
Just wondered what response you can give really when they say this stuff? I could apologise and say I’ll try better etc but I feel like I’m done with saying sorry for stuff that isn’t true.

[minimeerkat]

such a relentless barrage of criticisms & toxicity to serve many purposes – using you as a dumping ground to project all his own faults, to reduce your self worth & confidence to zero as well it all being an extremely clever way of distracting you from his abusive behaviour

once we are isolated somehow, whether due to a move or because of a disapproval of any other relationships (family/friends) a toxic partner will noticeably increase their abusive behaviour, knowing our dependence upon them has increased & we have nobody else for support – no one else is able to then kindly tell us that we are being abused

ive been there, been blamed for all the misery in a persons life – especially things that i had absolutely no control of or involvement in.  it can do so a lot of damage to us being told these lies when we are still unaware of whats really happening

while you are desperately trying to tolerate this behaviour, you have to respond or do whatever feels right for you in the moment ensuring that you remain safe.  but i hope with all my heart you are slowly seeing that you are definitely not the problem & you are certainly good enough as you are x

[Sad and alone]

When I went back he said it would be a good idea to set some boundaries. This was basically that I should do as I’m told and not question anything he says or have an opinion.
He also made comments about us not having fun anymore and says how I’m not a very fun person. I said when someone is angry at you and moaning and criticising you don’t feel like being fun. I think he said he understood that but I don’t think he does. His opinion is still that if I made an effort things would change. But I am just not relaxed around him anymore and don’t feel like I can be myself as it would be falling in the trap of feeling like things are okay and then something would happen that led to another argument.

[Bluebirds]

So relatable! I feel the exact same. How can I possibly be myself when I’m not relaxed around him and now know so much! I’ve also had comments that I also need to change we need to work together etc.. I’m not fun , I never want to do anything. List goes on but it’s true I don’t. I feel like i dont want to get trapped again so i have been resisting everything. The physical thing is definitely a big issue for him. I just honestly don’t want anything with him and I haven’t for years 🙁

Sending strength your way. Stay safe and keep posting… xx

[Sad and alone]

Exactly. Same and same. And yet we are still here. It makes no sense yet we struggle to be free. I understand it when some women say they are so in love with their abusers but I don’t feel like that at all, yet aren’t moving on. It’s no wonder people that haven’t been in this situation don’t understand. I used to think if anyone was physically abusive just once I’d be gone. Ha ha. Here I am a few times past that now. And I never anticipated the mental side of things.

Hopefully by being here it’s a sign we are all moving forwards, no matter how small the steps xx

[Karisqq]

For me the case is my parents. They blame me for their miseries and negative feelings, saying that bc I’ve changed a lot. I wouldn’t say I’m coping well since I also feel stuck and trapped. But the thing is to always find a backup plan in case the abuser tries to threaten you. Remember all the positive affirmations you got; use them to remind yourself that you’re not a terrible person. It’s hard, since they may try to use that to attack you, but don’t give up, and be wilful on that.

[Bluebirds]

100%…  by being on this forum its a huge step in the right direction. Take any step as a win! I’ve only been posting here a few weeks but been a member for a few months, honestly it’s helped me so much. It’s so hard to explain it to someone who hasn’t been in the situation.

I agree with you on that too. Always said I wouldn’t take physical abuse way before my relationship but gone past that a few times too. So sad isn’t it. The mental side is definitely the worst though and I know it’s going to take me a long time to get myself back… whoever that is now! Stay strong x

[Sad and alone]

I’ve been here about a year now but the abuse has been going on much longer. In my case we have been together a very long time. This person is part of your life and I think it’s your life as you know it that is the thing that keeps you where you are. Even though there are bad times there are prob other things that mean a lot to you. It’s hard as it feels like you’re throwing it all away. Or like the past years have been a waste. And all the good things you thought were happening or did happen were actually a waste of time.

[Sad and alone]

I’m in the same situation (detail removed by Moderator).

(detail removed by Moderator) we were dealing with a third party issue that affects us. It involved speaking with other people. As soon we are away from the other people he starts lecturing me about what I should be doing, how I should be acting, to help the with the issue. He says I don’t back him up or support him. Then it goes into how everyone’s against him and how he feels unwell. How I should be doing things like this person who does well for herself because she’s clever. He says we haven’t been getting on (detail removed by Moderator). I don’t think we ever do these days. But again tried to bring up an issue that I worked hard not to react to at the time it happened or when he tried to poke me about it later that day. I can’t remember what I said but he rolled his eyes and scowled and when I said why does he do things like that he denied it and I said I didn’t think he even knew he did these things anymore. (detail removed by Moderator) ended with me going to bed early as it’s just so miserable and sleep is the only way I can get any distance from the situation.

(detail removed by Moderator) he hasn’t spoken to me at all. And I’m afraid it’s going to be like before. Where I’m forced to ask him if he wants to talk. And then it’s going to be an argument again as even if I refuse to respond he’ll say I’m not listening. Even if I say that’s fine, if that’s what you think, it doesn’t placate him as he’ll say it’s not what he thinks it’s the truth. I don’t know what he wants from me and if I ask him he’ll just start saying I have to change, I have to make an effort and it just goes back round and round.

What can I say that’ll stop this from escalating? Do I just ignore his silent treatment until he breaks it? He always says I never want to talk or sort things out but like the last time when I make an effort to engage with him it just turns into an argument. I feel like it’s going to be a bad day.

[Wiltedroses678]

Can I just say I know exactly how you feel, the whole ” do as your told and not question my buisness” is highly relatable! You are not along and keep strong, and we will all be strong for each other.

[deerinheadlights]

Hi there  everyone,

All I can say is I relate also. I’m getting to the point I don’t care if I am alone for the rest of my life, it will be lonely but its better that dealing with those kind of things on a daily basis which, I always endure one way or another!!! I feel like a robot  I cant even do normal  everyday things with out it being some kind of an issue and/or I’m up to something when doing these things like paying my own bills ,hygiene, ect… Its ridiculous to say the least!!!

[deerinheadlights]

I’m also learning the best way to win the game with them is to not even to play “their” game with them if that makes sense!!! It has taken me so long to start to even see that!!! It a Constance game of manipulation to keep you where you are which is with them & to keep your spirit so low that you start to think you are not worthy of anyone and/or anything else!!! They try and break you down completely!!! Then I get accused also of  he will say things like how come you don’t want to communicate with me anymore or you don’t engage with me the same way anymore and then says  that I don’t care about us and/or our relationship anymore!!! which I use to do those things all the time until recently!!! I don’t do them anymore because when I use to he would twist things and/or deny them!!!  as far as intimacy goes he is big on that, I use to be a long time ago however I don’t, have not in quite sometime, why would I want to be loving to someone  who has cussed me out recently, call me everything in the book, ect… basically painting me & labeling me as a horrible person that I am not!!! I’m quite the opposite of the horrible picture that he paints me as  !!! say & do horrible things to me & then let me welcome you with open arms!!! not hardly & don’t want any part of that either  and it makes him so mad!! I don’t care I’m trying to stand my ground!!! I’m thinking of texting him and saying its over and then blocking him, I’m just tired of all the physical, mental ,emotional abuse!!! We all have our breaking point & I’m at mine , meaning don’t want to be with him anymore!!! If you all have any suggestions or advice that would be great and if not I understand!!! Stand strong all u wonderful ladies. You are warriors & you are all worthy!!!

[Anonymous]

It strikes me that these men have some internal issue(s) with themselves that they expect us to take responsibility for and fix, which is why it’s never achievable no matter what we do because they themselves haven’t worked out what’s really wrong.

I’d come to expect comments or ‘looks’ most times I made a movement. ‘What are you plotting’ he’d say, or frequently come to speak to me when I’m in the bathroom, insisting on opening the door, probably to see what I’m doing. Tutting if I touched anything or insisting on doing it himself, made me feel like I was cursed or something.

I also was accused of not listening whether I’d tried to conversate with him or be quiet and let him finish as requested. I genuinely never knew when it was the right time to open my mouth even when told you, he’d say well? Yes or no? And I’d be paralysed thinking will he tell me off because he hasn’t finished?  Is this the actual time I’m allowed to answer and it’s not a trick? You’re always in trouble whatever you do then feel so small when you’re allowed to speak, but are quickly shut down again.

Certainly was a do as you’re told situation and not to ‘answer back’ as if I’m a sulky child. And dare I call him out or ask about his business, well you know how that goes down, you’re put back in your place and made to feel you’ve crossed a boundary or are insecure by ‘going there.’

I had the impression I was irritating him endlessly despite him still being affectionate and loving in between.

I hope you all get out when you can

Xxxxx

[Breath123]

This was really helpful to me.

 

I have the same situation with my partner (we have a child) I am putting things in motion to leave. I’m trying to keep my head down and like you say do everything he expects but even when I do he moves the goal posts. It’s taken me a very long time to see that he is abusive

[Author]

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