How likely is he to get 50/50 custody

[positivelyempath]

Hey, I’ve not been on for a while after I decided to stay and try work things through with my husband regarding my daughter. Anyway he’s insisting he wants 50/50 custody and I don’t agree it’s right for my daughter based on his manipulative, previous aggressive and controlling behaviours and also the fact my (removed by moderator) year old depends on me for emotional support, never wants her dad to put her to bed and would never choose to be with him on her own.
Now that he won’t agree on the access I want we can’t move forward until it’s agreed because he will just take her out of nursery etc or won’t bring her back so I have to get it formally agreed before I can leave.
(Detail removed) I’m just wondering if anyone has any experience of this process and how it’s likely to turn out? I don’t qualify for legal aid and it seems a lot of his behaviour is just below the threshold for any arrests etc so I feel like he’s going to get my daughter 🙁
I did have a Claire’s law disclosure but can’t talk about that in court so really it’s my case against his and he’s highly manipulative, comes across charming etc…
I’m so worried. Thanks x

[KIP.]

Keep a journal of all his behaviour and get support from women’s aid. You might not be able to say where you found out about his previous conviction but is there another way of bringing it into court by getting his ex to give a statement or threaten to expose his past. Most solicitors offer free initial consultation so go to as many family solicitors as you can and get their advice. Keep a diary showing her routine, what you do for her and what he doesn’t. I’m sure someone else will be along with advice. I stayed with my ex because I was so scared he would take my son which he threatened constantly. It scarred us both. Keep working on a safe exit plan for you and your child. WA are great x

[diymum@1]

Self representation isn’t always a bad thing take a look at the practice direction 12j for court you could present this to the judge. Then you really need to get to work getting real evidence. So tell the GP everything and get them to put it on writing- get Womens aid to do a risk assessment take that to court. Ask anyone’s who has witnessed his behaviour especially infront off the kids to write what they saw down. Keep a diary of all contact how the kids are before they go when they come back what’s there behaviour like eg angry bed wetting anxious withdrawn panicking? A therapist can get involved and Womens aid work with kids if they disclose to them they sometimes write to court xx there’s lots of ways to evidence this xx if you collect this info he will be lucky to get supervised contact it can be stopped xx

[diymum@1]

If your child is over 9 and they have enough maturity there opinion will count xx you really require them to talk to professional without you there otherwise these men say we have put words in their mouths or they use the old parental alienation xx that won’t wash if you do it this way xx

[diymum@1]

Just read back (detail removed) old xx she will find her feet in this x

[positivelyempath]

Thanks all. He’s very controlling and actually spends a lot of time with my daughter but she doesn’t want him, I have to encourage her towards him. She never wants him to put her to bed and usually if he’s looked after her she will have a complete breakdown on me after a few mins of being reunited with me. She often says things like, don’t want daddy to put me to bed, want daddy to stay at work etc and he’s even heard that. She’s never been keen on him and I’ve been the one to try and encourage their relationship. I regret that now.
But it would be difficult to get evidence about him as he’s very subtle, manipulative and has the best ‘nice man show’ ever!
Wish me luck! Thankyou x

[fizzylem]

I would start to reduce contact; until he takes you to court you are the primary carer so have the final say; I would be thinking what contact time is right for her and our life and aim to get it this way. So that the court can see this pattern is working for her when the time comes.

Can you get support from nursery? Would they agree to only you collecting her? If he gets mad and kicks off while there this would be good evidence; some nurseries will help, others not. You need to make it clear to them you are the primary carer and you and your child are having difficulties with him; tell them he’s threatening to take her and keep her – ask is there anything they can do to help.

I would also attempt to get a parental agreement drawn up – cafcass offer this service – maybe call to enquire about this. Won’t look good in court if he refuses – will show that you tried – might even give you a PA.

Another option may be to try and get him to say when he can have her in an email; and reply saying this day and this day would work best for her – do you agree from this date? Then if he doesnt say, as I am the primary carer I have decided for these reasons that it needs to be this way from this date and if you are unhappy for any reason then we will need to find a resolve in mediation or court – I would be mindful of the language I use e.g be reasonable, respectful he is dad, caring, giving the reasons from her perspective.

Or, might be worth seeing if you can get a solictor to send him a letter with the set times?

I think if he doesn’t listen to what is best for her then you need to go ahead with this anyway and he can fight you in court (and nowhere else – if he tries to fight you anywhere else then this is evidence yes – if he’s not happy the appropriate place to resolve this would be mediation or court only). Mediation would need to be in seperate rooms. Its likely you wont get the outcome you’re looking for with a high conflict parent, but it buys you some time and again shows willing on your behalf.

You’re not blocking his access; you’re trying to get it right for your child and cant do this with an unreasonable dad.

Another thought, give him some rope; if he takes her when he is not supposed to (after you have informed him how the pattern needs to be) and you can evidence this – this will not look good in court at all. I would call the police when he does this; there’s not much they can do if you both have PR, but it is logged then that he has taken her without your consent and you can get advice from them too when you call.

You really need to be working to get thrid party comms and collection and drop offs via a third party as well – you’ll be amazed at how his games drop off after this; he will try to trample the boundaries though – so set them, make them clear to him then upold them; if he tramples these its evidence isn’t it.

Sadly it sounds like he’s going give you hell for a while so getting the boundaries in place that you and your child need are essential.

Another thought, call cafcass and ask them if they have any suggestions re how to deal with a high conflict parent when you cant agree contact time and he’s threatened to take her whatever you say? In a seperate call.

I’ve been where you are now, trying to sort out contact time with a high conflict parent is impossible because he will never agree with you, even if you turned round and agreed to him having 50/50 he would find something else to fight you on. Which is why it’s important to think carefully about what will work for you and your child and go for this – always be guided by what is right for your child and what you can manage (the life you and her have now) and you cant go wrong really as you can always argue this and why hey.

Its diffcult to navigate – call WA and pull in your support. FL. x

[positivelyempath]

Thanks so much fizzylem really helpful.

So I did ask for an email of what access he wanted and basically it was a huge email reply saying 50/50 split and what an amazing dad he was…I replied and said I don’t believe that A 50/50 split is in the best interests of my daughter right now. So as it sounds like you are not going to compromise then we will go to mediation. I had my MIAM meeting this week and to be honest I don’t think it’s going to help as I know he won’t back down and neither will I (detail removed by moderator)

Part of me feels like just giving him the 50/50 to get him out my hair but when I see my daughters little face I know I have to fight for her so I know I’ve done everything I could.

I’m still living with him at the moment so difficult to change our current pattern but currently he only puts her to bed 1-2 nights at the moment anyway and I’d be open to letting him have her 1-2 nights a week plus some nursery pick ups.

[KIP.]

If he has previous convictions and what you’re telling me about your child’s response to him, have you considered he may be abusing her. I’m not trying to alarm you but her response to him is ringing alarm bells with me. Try talking about it to someone who has knowledge in this field. Keep your eyes open for signs. Don’t dismiss anything. Why wouldn’t she want her dad to put her to bed? Why would she want him to stay at work? Why is she so emotional when you return?

[diymum@1]

I agree with KIP at first I was thinking this child is very perceptive in seeing something isn’t right with him. Not sure how old she is but it might be worth getting a professional involved to offer an opinion xx maybe ask the GP ? Often a child psychologist is needed to establish what’s really going – I know this is costly but it would win your case xx

[fizzylem]

Ahh, yes agree with KIP, why doesnt she want dad? Is she a mummys girl because you’ve been the primary carer? Or is he shouting at her? Neglecting her? If it’s because you are the primry carer then this needs to continue doesnt it. When parents seperate the main focus is to try and keep things as normal and consistant for the child as possible.

You give him 50/50 now and once he’s got this there will something else he tries to abuse and control you with through her. Give him an inch and he’ll take a mile. If you start off at 50/50 where will it go next? Start off from how you and her need it to be.

Really sorry to say, but the answer is to fight for what she needs – which you know already – you feel like giving in because you need a break from it, it really wears us out hey. Ive felt like giving my child to him and walking away many times, from the bth of them, and that has been purely because I have had times where I have felt unable to cope and felt it would be better for her if I can remve myself from the conflict completely. This would have been terrible for her and I can see now it was an emotional response only when feeling deseperate and exhausted.

OK, if I were you I wouldn’t get into it at all with him now; I’d take the matter off the table completely – dont respnd to him at all regarding this matter. I’d focus on getting out or getting him to leave and work out how you will let him now how the contact pattern will look once you are seperated (and not before). I would even say to him for now, yes ok 50/50 verbally only, to get him off your back, but make sure he doesnt have any evidence of this, but even if he did you can always say you changed your mind once you’d considered it carefully – and ‘needed’ to get him off your back as he was causing you all hell about it.

Who will be staying at home? If it’s you could he agree to visits in the home for 3 months that tail off? A transition is best for the child but usually this isn’t possible with these controlling abusive men. I’d call Cafcass and ask for advice – maybe try to get them onside from the outset – there is help to separate in the best way, some of the charities like NSPCC, Barnardoes, Relate and CAMS can also help with this. You need support to help you seperate dont you – and bags of it x

[positivelyempath]

Thanks ladies, your advice is invaluable…I think my daughter has high functioning autism, she is undiagnosed as she is so young but I’ve always had a feeling and I’m talking to the health visitor about it but they are a bit clueless and only really seem to understand traditional autism where they present with speech issues, no eye contact etc…. But anyway I think that is why she is clingy but YES I do also think she is hyper sensitive and perceptive and picks up on energies and intentions and gets that her dad is ok for fun stuff but wants mummy for the real life support as he has a serious lack of empathy.

Regarding the charities you mentioned, can I just contact any of them without a referral?

Don’t worry I won’t agree to the 50/50 …over my dead body…my poor baby sweet baby girl, I will not give up on her xxxx

Thanks again all of you, your support means the world xx

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