How long between abusive situations for you

[Wildstar]

Hi
This is probably a strange question, but I’m wondering how long your husbands etc can go without some sort of abusive conflict with you?
My brain is ticking away… years ago before husbands bipolar diagnosis he had spat in my face, called me names, (detail removed by Moderator) and strangled and pushed me. We had a quiet patch, had a child, got married and he got blind drunk (detail removed by Moderator) and strangled me worse than the last time.
Fast forward again and he has a diagnosis with bipolar and borderline personality disorder. We have another child.
We have the odd fight, bipolar episodes etc but he hasn’t physically hurt me for (detail removed by Moderator) years.
As I’m writing this I know it sounds ridiculous and I know what I would be saying to a friend, but do you think he will do it again?
Or is it all linked to his mental health?
I can’t think straight

[Lifebegins]

Hi Wildstar,

not a weird question at all. The cycle of abuse was annual for me (physically) but the emotional, verbal abuse and controlling behaviour was year round (except in the love bombing period after a physical assault). My child actually recognised that it happened around the same time every year!

My ex also ‘said’ he had all sorts of mental health issues including being bi polar. Have you actually seen a diagnosis or spoken to GP? I ask because I subsequently found out he was a compulsive liar and I had blindly been believing what he said for years and feeling sorry for him, the perpetual victim! I think now it was all lies and excuses for his bad behaviour. I think abusers use mental health issues a lot as a cover for abuse.

To answer if he could hurt you again, I don’t know if anyone can answer that. My experience for physical abuse was that it was the worst at the end, that’s why I eventually left as I was really scared.

Is there a reason why you are asking this question now? If you are having a ‘gut feeling’, trust it and above all keep yourself safe xx

[Wildstar]

Yes he has a diagnosis. I’ve been to all appointments hospitals etc with his for the past (detail removed by Moderator)… I know the difference between him being a moody b*****d and his mental health but he definitely uses it.
I’ve just had enough. I love him, he’s been a part of my life for nearly two decades, two children together… but I can’t live with the moods and feeling nervous every time he raises his voice or has a drink etc
I have nothing more to give to help him and I’ve got to a point as why should I.
I told him (I’ve never told him before) that I’ve had meetings with police and professionals for being in an abusive relationship and I can’t live this way anymore. I’ve told him if he truly loves me and our children then he has to go and fix himself, to better himself as a man for us or that’s it. I want a trial separation to see how that works.
It’s so hard to give up on something or someone you’ve had for so long. But this is my life too and all I’ve ever done is help him, hold his hand, guide him… I can’t and won’t do it anymore.
I don’t feel anything brewing, he’s going through the being nice phase because of what I’ve said.
I’m just thinking whether what I’ve asked is feasible?!
Or am I being stupid

[Lifebegins]

I don’t know if it’s feasible. I would think most of us on here would probably say not. Whether his behaviour is because of mental health issues or abuse, it’s still making you really unhappy.
I remember that feeling never knowing what was going to set a bad mood off, being on tenterhooks when out having a drink in case he suddenly turned and being called every name under the sun when something got him stressed or angry. It’s no way to live so I totally understand how you’re feeling. I also understand too how difficult it is to give up on someone and your relationship when you love them and you’ve been together a long time. It’s heartbreaking even when you’re being subjected to abuse.

Don’t be hard on yourself, this is going to take time to think through. You don’t have to make any snap decisions. Be careful too, you’ve said that you told him about speaking to other people about abuse and are contemplating a trial separation- this can result in an escalation of abusive behaviour if/when they realise they might be discarded xx

[Camel]

I just googled bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder and there is high likelihood of domestic violence with both. Has this been discussed at any of his hospital appointments? Because the bottom line is, a mental disorder NEVER excuses abuse.

You are not giving up on him. The fact is, you were never equipped to heal him. The responsibility for that is his. You’ve supported him for a very long time and yet there’s no end in sight. No one can predict whether he’ll use extreme violence against you in the future, but just the threat of it is enough to keep you on eggshells. It’s unacceptable to expect you to endure this any longer.

I don’t think you should demand he fixes himself if he loves you. If there’s therapy or medication that might help, why hasn’t he done anything up to now? The first time he strangled you should have been his cue to get some serious help. He should have cared. It’s never been your job to make him care enough.

You should also avoid bartering for your happiness – giving him more chances if he promises to do something. Because there’s no guarantee he’ll seek out help, or stick with it, or that it will work. Don’t call it a trial separation either as that implies you don’t know your own mind and can be talked round.

Don’t discuss your relationship or leaving. Get a good solicitor. Plan a safe exit.

You’ve reached your limit and no one will blame you.

[Hereforhelp]

Many abusers have mental health diagnosis, so many people who are not abusive have mental health disorders… it is NO excuse as he is an adult, he is responsible for his behaviours and how to manage his mental health, there are many professionals who can help him. Does he help himself, has he been on courses to help him understand himself? You are not responsible for him or his happiness, only he is and I would hope he feels awful for ever hurting you and has sought help for himself?
He will expect you to still support him, go with him etc…. but it is upto him, he is capable of helping himself, you have nothing to feel bad about by saying no to him.
❤️
I tried to separate with my husband (decades married) so I could sort my head out and children, just space to think… he refused to Separate, told me I was tricking him, accused me of l sorts, he just wouldn’t Separate! He kept comg back with excuses, threats of suicide as I had taken everything… I felt sick with worry and it was a very painful time, police had to talk to him in the end and I am now so relieved they did as it gave me the strength to leave and remain out xx

[Wildstar]

Thank you for all of your kind words… nearly (detail removed by Moderator) since I spoke to my husband and the only thing that’s changed is that he’s being painfully nice to me.
I had a close family death (detail removed by Moderator) so my head is all over the place… life is so short and I’m feeling lower now than I did before.
Need the grief to pass before I do anything.
Thank you again x

[StrongLife]

I’m not sure there was any pattern to it.

In the end something was happening regularly.

It’s now been sometime. There has been zero contact. I am out of the difficult situation and living in my own house.

[Author]

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