How many chances

[Annushka]

Morning everyone. This is my first post on the forum. My husband of (detail removed by moderator) has been verbally abusive during our marriage and had terrible anger issues. He has called me so many horrible derogatory names, I’m a mess. It’s cone to crux time I can’t take any more, I’m (detail removed by moderator) years old and feel there’s a different life out there somewhere free from fear, where I can live again before it’s too late. I have left him (detail removed by moderator) tines before he always promises he’ll change but doesn’t. This time he says he has visited his “demons” and has come to terms with himself and its different this time. I am reluctant to take that chance. My nerves are shot, I’m shaking all the time, I get physically sick, but he wants to talk and talk for hours trying to convince me.  So tired of it all.

[Lisa]

Hi Annushka,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting about what you’re going through. I think this will feel very familiar to lots of the women here and I hope that you find it helpful to share support with them.

Abusers promising change is an extremely common tactic when they think they’ve pushed things too far and their partner has left or is thinking of leaving. Abuse is all about power and control and they will, in fact, say whatever they think will allow them to keep that control. The promises aren’t genuine. The fact that he’s trying to wear you down with hours of talking and convincing rather than giving you space to breathe and think about what you want is also really telling. It sounds like he’s trying to force you into agreeing with what he wants.

Have you had any support around his abusive behaviour? You might find it helpful to reach out to your local domestic abuse service who should be able to offer some ongoing support to help you think about what you want to happen and how best to achieve that safely.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Bananaboat]

Mine used to do similar, then one night I sat and read through old texts and I realised the ‘apologies’ and promises to change were almost word for word the same. He was saying what he thought/knew I wanted to hear, he’d not drink for a short period but it always, always returned. It’s all about dangling that carrot to keep us hooked, hoping they’ll be that ‘guy we know he is deep down’ and keeping their supply sweet. That was a big lightbulb moment, you can do this. x

[Annushka]

Hi Bananaboat, thanks for ur reply. He’s acting out of character now, cleaning, clearing out c**p that he’s been hoarding for years and  talking about doung diy on house, …. stuff I’ve been asking him to do for ages.  It’s strange behaviour. Did you experience this? Is he just doing this to make me feel that he has changed? I’m so confused.

[Bananaboat]

Yes and yes he is. Very common when they sense you’re doubting them. Everything they do is about keeping you where they want you. Being nice and doing jobs makes you feel happy, stops you being angry at him and (importantly) keeps your brain in a muddle about whether he’s as bad as you thought = you stay. Do you know about the cycle of abuse? If you haven’t read it then Lundy Bancroft’s book which you can buy or find free pdf copies online is so helpful at deciphering this behaviour x

[Annushka]

Thanks Bananaboat. That helps me clear my thoughts. I get sucked back in with these actions and begin to doubt myself. But I KNOW these actions won’t last, they are just a repeat of what’s happened before and it didn’t change then so why should it change now. I need to remain strong and determined. I really appreciate your reply. Take care x

[Annushka]

Having a bit of a wobble. We spoke for hours again last evening, he’s hurting really badly and begging  for another chance. I feel I’m being selfish wanting a life for myself without the fear of further verbal abuse in the future, but I am conflicted as I am a caring person, I dont like seeing what’s happening to him, he says he’s having major panic attacks. I feel guilty as I’m the one causing him pain now. Yet deep down I know if I dont give myself a chance of a different life, this is all I can see going forward.

[Bananaboat]

Sorry me again – I’m sure others can offer support too but I read this and my heart sank for you because I had all this too. Remember they know what makes you tick, he’s studied you and knows what strings to pull. For you it’s tugging at your caring emotions.

Note, he says he’s having panic attacks – proof? As an adult, what’s he doing about that – has he seen a GP or sought counselling. Or has he just told you to make you feel bad? It’s all about him and his feelings & what he needs  – what about you? Yes break ups hurt but as adults we have to respect people’s choices and look after ourselves – which abusers don’t do.

It helped me to say to myself, if it’s meant to be then we can see if things are better in 6 or 12 months and try again, but in that gap watch his actions (does he seek help for the issues raised or does he run off to his mates or next victim – space helps your mind see clearer which is why he doesn’t want to give you any). I know this all sounds and feels harsh, and thanks to all the mind trickery you won’t truly believe he’s this manipulative right now but focus on YOU. Where do you see yourself in the future and if you stay, would you be happy. That said we’ve all given them multiple chances and remember if you stay, you still have the choice to leave. So if you stay maybe give him a month or six months and if the abuse happens again you’ll know it’s a hard stop then xx

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