How many Mums lose their children to abusive ex?

[Shipoffools]

Hi there ladies,

I’m sorry to ask such a sad question but I’m trying to find out how common is it for abusive partners to take our children away from us after we have left them?

It happened to me. I didn’t realise how serious things were until it was too late (detail removed by moderator)….they were brainwashed by then believing they were going to get a much better life with him and his new wife….it never materialised but the guilt then put on them by their dad meant they never dared ask to leave…they feel they owe him their loyalty…

Off course I now realise he was emotionally abusing them all the time after I left him, he used his contact time when they lived with me to turn them against me, undermine me, diss the home, area and schools etc….always a solicitors letter arriving or text telling me how to parent….

Is there any way other mums can prectect themselves from this happening? Because it’s heartbreaking and completely wrong….

Thank you for reading…

[enofadov]

Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry to hear this. How old are they? This is the reason I am fighting so hard right now to stop this happening….thank you for giving me more fight. Sending all my love xxxx

[Twisted Sister]

I am truly gutted for you shipoffools.

I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been through. It’s truly shocking and I do think it’s very common for them to ‘play’ happy families with new partner who then becomes mum to all his kids whether they want to or not!

I don’t actually believe they do want the kids, and I think that’s often bourne out by the number your hear off that stop once actually having them is a reality. It was all about abuaib their mother. Mine doesn’t want responsiblility or genuinely be part of their lives,ust at face value, or as a way of hurting me. He got them all excited about new bedrooms in ynew big house, used to take them out to çoose furniture, then got mad an angry at them showing upset when showing them round said new house and they clearly weren’t having any bedrooms! This was noted by his new gf who asked what had upset the children, and he blamed them for being stupid and childish, but he nearly got caught out, and their lives and emotions torn apart by his stupid playing with their minds and emotions. Whenever they were upset they were being stupid, whenever they’d had enough and didn’t want to see him again he phone, crying I love you, I miss you, ifit wasn’t for your mother/my new gf/yr granny (insert name of any woman basically), but I’m going to make it all alright and fight for you,your mummy doesn’t want me to see you, etc. It’s torn them apart inside literally in bits and its so fuckib wrog and I was useless, couldn’t speak, thought he was right that I was totally s**t, but then wndersd why he wouldn’t have them!!

So, if they take children its only because that’s what hurts you most, strikes at your core, I have seen it a few times just within our mums group when kids were smaller.

I am not sure things are any better are they? I dbt think much has changed all really, sad to say, and I think that al that the raises profile has served to do is bring threatened men to the surface being defensive, accusing women of being men haters, I can’t remember the word for it.

…men get abused too, and so on, deflecting.

Sorry don’t want to derail, but its alwyas going to be about men!

Its great you have asked that here as I think it would be awesome for all in this situation you’re to know of each other, I think it’s a good reason to have a forum of its own, rather than ages or minority groups.

Hugs to you, you are awesome, well done for posting, keep the strength.

Warmest wishes ts

[KIP.]

My son was older. Late teens when his dad was arrested. From day one his dad played the victim. He paid for my son to move out the family home. Promised him the same wage for working part time with his father so he gave up his job. Again false promises. Sent him round to threaten me over the restraining order. Twisted everything. I very rarely see him now. I bumped into him by accident over a year ago. Told him I loved him and he knew where I was if he needed me. What is worse for some women including me was my adult son triggered my PTSD. Can you imagine being triggers by your children. I’ve heard of this before on here. It’s heartbreaking. I can only hope the years I spent with him will see him through and one day in the future we can have some sort of relationship again. It’s a good thread because I often read on here that women are desperate for their children to keep in touch and have a relationship with their abusive fathers. The abuse never ends. If it was anyone else but their father you would never leave your child with such evil dysfunction.

[lost]

This is literally my worst nightmare. Weve said well have shared custordy now. What that will be next week who knows. He thinks the kids wont go with me and im not sure they will. How sad is that. How much of a failiure as a mum am i that i cant say my own children will choose me. My son definately wont. Hell hate me fof taking him away from his dad then hell leave when hes old enough to choose.
I play with them. I take them to school . Wash clothes. Read bedtime stories. Do homework. Take them to parties. Remember friends birthdays and school trips. Im there everything….. we have so much fun. But…somehow their dads just better?
All it takes is 5 mins with him and hes right up there. He can ignore the all day. Literally sit in a different room from them but then puts in 5 or 10 mins hectic play begore bed and hes the king again.
(date removed by moderator) he parented for the first time in a long time and backed me up when my son was acting out saying he hates me and he dosnt have to listen to me etc. I felt so grateful. Then i thought …he only started to say he hates me because he heard it from you. He only acts out like this because 90 % of the time when i ask him to do something or tell him to stop doing something he shouldnt be doing his dad is there to discredit and belittle me so disciplin in our house is equated with mummy being mean.
Im so frustrated and angry and feel so hopeless. If i lost my children i wouldnt see the point of anything. They are my life.

[KIP.]

You are not a failure and his dad is not better. His dad is just better at controlling and selfishness and manipulating. I stayed for decades because I thought it was best for my child. Because my ex threatened to take him from me. So he’s early twenties now and his dad has done what he said he would do. There is no empathy, no concern for anyone else. Such is the need for these men to victimise. And who better, who more defenceless than their children. All we can do is be a rock for our children. A constant in their life and fight from an early age for zero contact with their father. Well done lost for recognising his behaviour. Backing you up like he is your saviour when he caused the problem in the first place. I always think my ex used to push me off a cliff then rush down and save me. Mind blowing dysfunction. I remember getting the result of an STI the police told me to go for. When the result was negative my first thought was what a lovely man, he didn’t give me an STI. it took me several minutes to realise what a dirty pig he was for me having to take this in the first place. If that’s what they do to an adult mind. Can you Imagine how easy it is to fool a child x

[HopeLifeJoy]

It happened to me.
I’m very sorry it happened to you and other strong ladies on here too.

I left with my kids to my home country and he took them back with the help of the law. He accused me of child abduction using the international law of child abduction of The Hague and won the case. They were both very very young.

It’s been couple of years now.
I have zero contact with him, therefore with my kids neither. I do zero contact for my own health, I tried to stay in touch with him for my kids but it made me physically so ill that I had to stop.

I have a hard time trying to move on and rebuild my life, even with the best effort I come crashing down flat on my face every few months.
I stand up each time and I try to walk again. I keep going.

Wishing you all the best.

[Falling Skys]

Hi

My children were adults before I had the strength to break away, sadly though I didn’t want them to choose between us, but he made out to be a victim. They will have nothing to do with me and in turn I don’t see my Grandchildren.

It is very sad to have no contact, but if I hadn’t of broken free I be leave I would dead or in a mental institution now.

I have written to them both to say that I love them and contact details (nothing that tell my where abouts) so if they wish to contact me in the future they can.

It is a double edge sword though, my ex is unable to get any information about me through them.

Also I am building a new life with different goals.

FS xx

[KIP.]

I know my ex was quizzing my son about me. Even when we first separated he demanded I tell him where I was going so he would not have to keep asking our son ‘where’s mum’. We do what we have to do to survive and every day we take another step and another breath is a true reflection on our strength and bravery. Onwards and upwards x

[Shipoffools]

Hi ladies…I’m just on my lunch break so very limited time now I’ve only had chance to read Twisted Sister and KIPs posts so far….thank you so much for replying, I will read the other posts on this thread this evening…

It’s gut wrenching reading…heartbreaking…TW I think you’ve hit the nail on the head when you said ‘the abuser chooses what will hurt the mother most…’ By either taking the children away or play headf**k with the children and leaving mum to try ‘repair’ the damage…

KIP you are totally right (& very wise) when you said under normal circumstances you wouldn’t want your children exposed to that dysfunction behaviour….

Will continue later….xx

[freedomtochoose]

Thanks to everyone for sharing. I have had a difficult week. Though not half as difficult as some weeks were in years past when we left for refuge, and had nowhere to live etc.

I can only say there have been many struggles, and I went through years with the fear of losing my child to my ex. And he played on it. And manipulated just about everyone I knew. I still, years later have that fear which surfaces and is really upsetting when it does.

Despite shed loads of counselling over the years – I still have an issue around making some sense of it all, if such a thing were possible.

d

My feelings are – yes they did help sometimes but they are talking as if they did it all themselves. Which they didn’t, (how could they). So many times in the past few years and so many days I stood there at the beginning of the day with a young child wondering how I was going to manage it all. Had to brave it alone. I don’t know how I did it. By the grace of God – standing here today waiting for child to get home from school.

And I know still I am one of the lucky ones. Does feel like I am being punished twice, or three times, once for being abused, once for leaving for refuge and the third time for refusing to acknowledged that it was really all my fault…(how that works I don’t know but I do know it is twisted…

To think it through logically (and I have said this to family member in question…) how on earth was I (and am I) supposed to do anything else other than put my child first, and me next? If I did anything else surely there would be something wrong and I would be criticsed for that?

I know that is what I have been upset about this week.
Reaching out to you lovely ladies. These journeys are so hard and yes, KIP refelction on strength and bravery. I have had many run ins since with ex who still trying to finish me off pscynologically, don’t suppose he will ever stop. I reckon it is my sheer bolshiness that saved me….

love to all
ftc
x

[freedomtochoose]

Sorry there was a bit missing in the last bit.
I meant to write what gets me down now is a last remaining family member and the comments that I am getting now. Which are, I know clearly a reflection of where they are rather than me, but nevertheless it awakens all the fears which my ex played on so often about losing my child. If people haven’t experienced that fear I don’t think they know.

My feelings are – yes this ‘family’ member did help sometimes but they are talking as if they did it all themselves. Which they didn’t, (how could they). So many times in the past few years and so many days I stood there at the beginning of the day with a young child wondering how I was going to manage it all. Had to brave it alone. I don’t know how I did it. By the grace of God – standing here today waiting for child to get home from school.
And sometimes it was the kindess of a stranger that got me through.

And I know still I am one of the lucky ones. Does feel like I am being punished twice, or three times, once for being abused, once for leaving for refuge and the third time for refusing to acknowledge that it was really all my fault…(how that works I don’t know but I do know it is twisted…
To think it through logically (and I have said this to family member in question…) how on earth was I (and am I) supposed to do anything else other than put my child first, and me next? If I did anything else surely there would be something wrong and I would be criticsed for that?
I know that is what I have been upset about this week.
Reaching out to you lovely ladies. These journeys are so hard and yes, KIP refelction on strength and bravery. I have had many run ins since with ex who still trying to finish me off pscyhologically, don’t suppose he will ever stop. I reckon it is my sheer bolshiness that saved me….so I’m hanging on to that…
love to all
ftc
x

[KIP.]

‘If they take the kids it’s only because that’s what hurts us the most’. Absolutely true. My ex went straight for the jugular. Took what I loved most. Tried to take my home but didn’t manage that. Took my stepdaughter and my son though. But if we didn’t have children he would still have tried to take my money, my reputation, my sanity, my home. Pure evil.

[Shipoffools]

I have finished reading the posts so far….my heart truly goes out to all the other Mums who have lost their children through DV too and indeed also to the Mums living with the threat of losing their children hanging over them….

Again KIP I totally agree with you….the DV ex goes for the Survivors jugular…their own children are easy targets to use a weapons…and he goes for what hurts us most…to try to destory us basically…

And KIP I agree if there wasn’t children the DV ex would try to take all the other things we hold dear and need to live…

My children were definatley what I loved most too. My ex knew that, obviously he knew I’d had a tough childhood, without much love. My children meant everything to me. (detail removed by moderator)

Can’t lie, I have bad days. I miss them a lot. I know you all miss your children too….

Please keep posting, let’s support each other here….xx

[Itwastimetostopit]

This is what scares me
My ex is so manipulative and good at poor me attitude

My son is under social Services so there is protection at moment

But when spoke to solicitor that say cos of sons age his wants get taken in focus

I worry he can be manipulated by him in future

[freedomtochoose]

I’m so sorry about this suffering and I thank you ladies for acknowledging it.
I sometimes don’t know the way forward as I too have bad days.
But think it has a lot to do with that old=fashioned word solidarity.
all best
ftc
x

[Shipoffools]

Hi ladies, thank you for posting on this subject. I have asked Lisa for a new topic heading for Mums/Survivors who have already lost their children to their DV exs and another for Mums living under the threat of it happening with official advise of WA/Lisa…..I hope this will help?

If something constructive can come out of something so sad and wrong but obviously so common then that will be a positive thing….I haven’t had a reply from Lisa just yet….

Thank you again for opening up about a very emotionally painful subject…xx

[freedomtochoose]

Thanks Ship of fools I really appreciate all this.
It is rubbish what the shxxbags etc have been doing
thanks for your understanding lovely
all best
ftc
x

[Lisa]

Thank you very much for your feedback and for sharing your stories with each other. We are always looking for your ideas to help improve the forum so as with all your recommendations I have passed on the recommendation to the development team for them to consider.

Thank you again.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Author]

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