How Much More Can I Take?

[roadtohealing]

I started the day with the usual sadness in the pit of my stomach. I try so hard to get on with my day, block things out of my mind, the way he has treated me for so many years, everyday I tell myself to look to the future, things will get better, he will change, the way I feel will change, I will go back to being the old confident happy person I once was, but that day never comes, and I miss that person I was so much, I really wish I could have her back again..

Leave the past in the past I tell myself, but how do you do that when the present moment is no better, in fact even worse, worse because I’m tired, weakened by the years of verbal, emotional and financial abuse? I’m tired, really tired. I wish I could be ‘Me’ again..

I have become so isolated, I have no friends left because of him, and when I did have friends he would only put me down in front of them. So I come here from time to time to just pour my feeling out, sometimes it helps, sometimes I just end up crying even more because reading my thoughts here online makes it all so much more real, and for so long I haven’t been too sure of what’s real and what’s not anymore, again thanks to him, distorting my reality. I question myself, my feelings, am I to blame? I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t anymore, he has stolen my reality. I feel like I’m playing a role to the outside world, hiding reality because facing the truth is just too painful and embarrassing, but most of all too frightening.

I can only hope for strength and courage to one day get out of this, and find better days. I’ve already wasted too many years of my life on being belittled, hurt and taken for granted, I just want to be me again. I miss the person I once was, sometimes I can barely remember her, but eventually I do remember her, and I smile..

He’s taken my confidence, my friends, my reality, my mental health, my pride and my self worth, but he will never, never take away my memories, my memories of the happy confident person I once was, the person I see in old photos looking back at me, that image belongs to me, and I will never give him that, ever!

🙂

[Better-days]

Oh roadtohealing your words r so relatable. I don’t have much advice I’m in the same position. Got to ride the storm u till the decide their mood is over. It’s herrendous. There r people on this forum with great empowering advice. Who will guide you through getting the old you back. I hope u r better today. X

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Beautifully written and relatable. It is a lonely process getting back to what we were but I am sure we will and when we do it’ll be all the sweeter and amazing for us because we will appreciate every bit.

[Author]

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