How to begin dating?

[Anonymous]

Hi all,
I got out of the DA relationships over (detail removed by moderator) ago, had a few dates soon after but nothing for years now. For a while there I was adamant that I was never going to have a relationship again, but recently I’ve began to feel more confident in my ability to spot red flags or better yet, identify people who are not good for me so I stay away from them. I’ve been thinking that, maybe one day in the future, I wouldnt mind going on some dates. Maybe a dating app would be good for me to get me used to the idea? I’m not sure. Any ideas/advice welcome.

[Lisa]

Hello MarchRose,

Thank you for your post. I’m so pleased to hear that you are feeling in such a strong place now in terms of the trust you have in yourself to recognise red flags and to assert your boundaries. This really is testament to your journey of recovery and you should be really proud of this.

I’m sure other users will be along soon to offer advice or share their experiences.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Pinkvelvet]

Hi MarchRose. I’m in a similar position myself. I’ve been wanting to date for a little while, but I’m also not in a position I don’t think in my head yet where I feel totally comfortable with the idea. I think like you were, I’m still in that phase of not wanting a relationship (but also kind of wanting one at the same time). I think I’m just not over my ex and the trauma of it all.

It’s encouraging to hear that you are feeling more confident and that you’d like to give dating a go. Sometimes I think maybe taking the first step and putting yourself out there, and being brave about it is signalling that you’re ready for the next bit of your life to happen, which is great.

I have used dating apps in the past and have had a mixture of experiences, but most of all I think it’s nice sometimes just to meet people, have a good time, eat some nice food or do a fun activity and enjoy the experience. It doesn’t always have to lead somewhere or to something serious. I say give it a go!

In terms of dating apps, there’s Bumble, Hinge, Tinder (Tinder wouldn’t be my personal first choice but it’s an option) and then some of the longer running dating sites like match and another called elite singles. I’ve personally only ever used Bumble, Hinge and Tinder so can’t comment on the latter.

Hope all goes well for you. Glad to hear you’ve come out the other side smiling and more confident. It really is very encouraging 🙂 x

[Watersprite]

Thank you for posting this I’m asking myself this too
– any success stories out there?
– how do you trust again?
– what and when do you tell about your past?
– I’m scared of being abused again and intimacy

Every time I think about it (would have to be online) I bail and I’ve been out ages!

[Anonymous]

I get those feelings too Watersprite, especially about worrying it’ll happen again – I’m also worried that people will just assume I’ve made a ‘bad choice’ in partner even if theres been no red flags. I like the idea of dating apps because I feel like the app with act like a protective barrier but I also worry because of the horror stories I’ve heard related to apps!
I guess we’ve got to trust ourselves and learn what we like and dislike etc

[RaindropsOnRoses]

I’ve been feeling the same sorts of things too. I want all the nice parts of dating: dates, cuddles, sex, emotional connection. But the one time an actual relationship seemed imminent, I was so scared. It felt like I was going to be trapped as soon as it became official and exclusive. There would suddenly be things I wasn’t allowed to do (i.e. flirting and more with other people) and I didn’t know what if any obligations I would suddenly have to this guy. (The only proper relationship I’ve been in was the abusive one so I don’t know what healthy couples are supposed to expect from eachother.)

I know exclusivity is normal in a relationship. I don’t know why the idea of it is, to me, like being trapped. I don’t know if it’s because this particular guy was asking for it too soon, or because my ex always made me swear I wasn’t even attracted to anyone other than him so I’m now strongly against anything that even vaguely feels like that. Or maybe I’m just built to be polyamorous.

On the side of success stories, I don’t know if it counts but I have a friend with benefits who I have a genuine, if not romantic, connection with. We do go on dates, cuddle and just hang out. We actually met on Tinder. But I’ve not had much success in replicating this success so idk.
Also, my friend’s mum got out of a DA arranged marriage, and later in life she met and married my friend’s dad. They’re not together anymore but it was a healthy relationship. And she’s had boyfriends in the years since then.

[Author]

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