How to cope with hating your abuser

[Calypso]

I have hatred gnawing at my insides. We still live together. Sometimes I feel like I ‘should’ leave, other times that it would make things worse (because of very likely post-separation abuse, him weaponizing kids, no money, no support).

Does anyone else feel stuck with this toxic hate? It’s doubly annoying because I know my hatred doesn’t harm him at all, only me.

 

 

[Tian]

Hi Calypso,

I am so sorry you are in this situation and feeling this way.

This is not advice you understand, no one can tell you what you should do in your unique situation.

I left, and yes, all the stuff you fear kinda happened.  I hated him until the hatred burned itself out. Now I’m starting to feel….pity? Because he’s stuck in the past and I am facing the future.

What helped me most was a) keeping a journal and b) thinking every day of all the things I had to be grateful for in the present and the things I wanted in my future. It was hard work. But not as hard as staying with him was.

Hope this helps. Stay strong and love yourself xx

[Loopy2]

Hi. I am in exactly the same position.  I am full of hatred for him now.  Its because I am so sick and tired of walking on eggshells and everything that goes with it.  I too am so scared to leave due to him weaponizing everything.  I know he’s going to play the victim and tell so many lies to make me out to be a liar and I’m scared people will believe him.  He’s good at manipulating people, very good.  I’m always shaking and nauseous now because I really can’t stand being near him but I’m scared of the outcome of leaving or trying to get him to leave.

I hope you find the strength to leave and find peace x x

[EvenSerpentsShine]

It is really difficult to leave for all the reasons you’ve talked about, and yes, making as many preparations as you can to protect yourself from this fallout is wise.

Don’t gaslight yourself into forgetting how toxic and potentially dangerous these situations are though.
They probably won’t change, and so you may want to think hard about whether you’re staying because you are genuinely making sensible preparations or whether you’re just kicking the can down the road.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Calypso

Well, it’s no wonder you would hate him, given what he’s subjecting you to. No, it doesn’t help anything, but it’s good to see it for what it is as you are, and realise it’s not the healthiest of emotions for us, apart from flagging up that we need protecting from him, and making decisions based on it.

It’s a lot to consider, and it seems entirely appropriate and necessary that you would be weigning up all the pros and cons of how to best act in these circumstances, and what facing any change to them might mean for your family and you. What matters is that you are thinking about it, and you will come to your decisions in your time, and given the right time you will give yourself the best opportunity to leave once safely for good, because giving yourself the time you might need allows for realisations and options to occur, things you might not necessarily consider in a rush.

Importantly, think of the ways to keep yourself safe as possible whilst you do your deliberating, because any shift in your behaviour and attitude will be detected by him, and that increases risk for anyone planning leaving. Keep your daily stuff as normal as possible and brew your plans quietly to yourself.

warmest wishes

ts

[Cherries]

Since I realised there was absolutely no point trying to get him to understand my point of view the resentment has gotten very real. I hate cooking for him. Still do it. I cannot stand hearing him eat/chew.  I can’t stand touch.  The amount of eye rolling out of sight I do, and flipping the bird with with words eff off silently mouthed…it’s so childish but with no way to verbalise without getting shut down…I guess it’s got to find an outlet somewhere. If I react even in a small remotely snarky way boom…another ‘discussion ‘ for hours.

So that’s how I’m erm…maturely dealing with my distaste.

Pretty sure he’s already the victim to work colleagues etc and I’m just going to have to live with being the baddie. Bottom line is we both know the truth. Can’t lie to yourself nearly as well as everyone else.

I am concerned my son picked up on my ‘ick’ with him though. I thought I was hiding it better and I don’t want things to escalate unless I’m ready to run..they’ve already got worse with my distance because I just can’t fake it. He’s not been violent yet but who knows in the end what folk are capable of

 

 

[StrongLife]

Hi – I did for a long time – it was frightening and confusing. In time it does start to disappear to something else- from day to day – it’s just something in the past.

[Author]

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