How to cope with n**********c husband while waiting for divorce

[marmite3]

I have filed for divorce after my husband has been emotionally abusing me, and occasionally physically assaulting me, but we are still sharing a house.

I am finding it difficult, as he seems to genuinely blame me for everything, despite the fact that he has been name-calling and screaming at me for years. He says I have always been trying to ‘control him’, that I ‘forced him into situations he didn’t want’ and he talks about me and (removed by moderator) saying how I never loved him, how he has always tried to do what I want, that he is a kind guy and what a horrible, nasty person myself and my family are.

In fact, I have been doing most of the work for many years, as well as my own job, childcare and looking after him, as he has had mental health issues for many years.

I try to avoid him as much as possible, but it is hard to hear him saying how nasty I am all the time. If I ask him not to keep calling me names in front of the kids, he says I am controlling him, and starts yelling ‘rubbish’ and ‘lies, lies, lies’ at me. He says (detail removed by moderator). He says no-one else thinks he is abusive, and that I am making it up.

I had hoped, after he moved out and we divorced, that we could be civil for the sake of our kids, but he seems to genuinely loathe me. I honestly think he may be narcisstic as well as abusive.

I am struggling to cope with how hurt I feel at his behaviour, and finding it difficult to move on while he is still in the house. Do I carry on ignoring him, including his ‘Nr Nice Guy’ days when he brings home presents and says he loves me, or do I challenge him when he is calling me names?

[Umberella]

Sounds like an awful situation to be in! I am in kind of the same situation as you. Me and my husband “seperated” in (detail removed by Moderator) but we’re still living in the same house.

My husband works away alot of the time so I’m not avoiding him as much as you will be but it is awful and awkward and as much as I have tried to act normal in front of my children they are picking up on the atmosphere in the house when he is home.

Do you have family you can stay with for a while? Or is he willing to leave and maybe stay with his family so your children aren’t out of their home? Me and my children stayed with (detail removed by Moderator) for (detail removed by Moderator) after he had got quite abusive (smashing things and punching holes in things)

I think it must be quite common for men who emotionally abuse their wives to go backwards and forwards with different behaviours (nice one minute, abusive the next) Iv seen plenty of it the past couple of months. One minute he can be accusing me of meeting someone new and calling me all the names under the sun and the next hes going to get help and give me the best life I could ever wish for.

Your not alone.

Hope you get your freedom back soon!

X

[marmite3]

Thanks for your reply, Umberella. It helps to know I’m not alone. The divorce proceedings just seem to take an age, and he is messaging other women and looking at dating sites in front of me all the time. It is a truly depressing situation, but I hang on to the hope that a peaceful life will come to us when he does eventually leave. Good luck in your situation too. xx

[soconfused2]

I could literally have written your post marmite. It’s messed with my head so much. I’m so tired of being made to feel like a horrible person and so full of self doubt. I don’t have any advice, but perhaps it will help to know you are not alone.

[marmite3]

Thanks for the reply. It does help to know that others understand and empathise. It can be so confusing when someone is hurting you but they are blaming you for it all. This forum and the people who post help to remind me I am sane, and strong, and will get through to a better place. You will too. xx

[LozzyX]

I am living with a n********t too so I feel your pain

I am reading /re-reading Living with the dominatir by Pat Craven.. lots of penny dropping moments.. keeps me sane knowing it’s them not us !!! So I really recommend that book …it will keep you strong, reassuring you are doing the right thing

One thing a (detail removed by Moderator) hates more than anything us being ignored or abandoned (as they see it) .. so the abuse ramps up

Regarding the dating sites ge might now play the best version of himself in front of you.. will be a good dad etc etc… Make you doubt yourself about leaving.. and jealous when he starts flirting n dating other women whilst he appears to be all sorted, new and improved man

Trust your instincts, keep faith in your judgement and decision to leave.. all these tactics by him are just that tactics. They never change , they can’t as they don’t see themselves as doing anything wrong.. they blame everyone but themselves . (detail removed by Moderator)!

All the best with leaving, I hope one day I have the strength to leave (again – but this time not go back!)

[marmite3]

LozzyX, Thanks so much for the book recommendation. I have ordered it. Having recently watched lots online and researched (detail removed by Moderator) more fully, i am astounded that I didn’t see it before. As soon as I started saying no or challenging him on anything, the abuse started. I then found out about all the lies and his secret life away from us. Even the endless promises that he would spend time with us as a family, but, of course, never did. He is now furiously online dating/love bombing my replacement as he fears abandonment so much. We are mid-divorce, and I’m resolute that I am getting out. And I am going to read, read, read so I don’t fall for another (detail removed by Moderator) individual like this ever again. Good luck in your situation too. xx

[SingleMomSurvivor]

You could challenge him when he calls you names, but he will never ever back down or admit that he’s in the wrong.I’m so very sorry you are in this situation as it sounds so overwhelmingly stressful for you and you don’t deserve that. Have you ever heard of a technique called gray rock? It’s basically a technique of responding to insults or provocations from an abuser nar*****t in a neutral way. By responding in a neutral way it cuts off the emotional reaction that they’re looking for. It’s an extremely hard thing to do especially if someone is yelling lies or profanities in your face. Our first instinct is to defend ourselves and gray rock involves not defending or explaining yourself & just responding neutrally. If you look it up online and on YouTube you’ll find some really good examples & explanations.

Also if it’s safe for you to do so, be sure you are documenting his abusive behaviors especially when he is behaving abusively around the kids. This might be information that is useful later on.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

I read your post and there are similarities with my situation. My husband and I are separated but now in different houses. He bought me out of my share of our house… well as much as he could ‘afford’. I now get emails from him regularly with insulting remarks about ‘my behaviour’. He used to flip from being amicable to cruel and unkind. More recently, he has begun to pretend to be the victim saying things like, “I’m not able to summon up sufficient courage to read your emails for fear what I will read”. It’s laughable. I never swear, moan, start any comments with ‘you did…’ etc. Most of my emails are about coordinating our children. It’s just him lying and trying to make me seem like the perpetrator. I think he’s trying to goad me into ‘losing it’ so one day he can say to people, “look at what she did”. I have spent years going in circles thinking stuff was me… I still do… I reread what I write wondering if I was rude, but I know it’s him. (removed by moderator) years have passed me by, wasted years of questioning myself constantly. I’m filing for a divorce. My husband wanted to be amicable a year ago but his change to anger and resentment was quick… always be aware how things can change and protect yourself financially and emotionally. Try to plan a step ahead. If you are the one questioning your behaviour, you know it is not likely to be you at fault.

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