How to deal with possible SA

[Walker123]

Having recently split with my ex I realise he was emotionally and psychologically abusive which I am struggling to process. However one thing keeps going through my mind over and over. One of the last conversation we had was around our sex life which caused multiple arguments as I grew to really dislike it due to pain it caused. He said several times in this conversation “but it was always consensual wasn’t it”, this was unprompted.

This has made me realise that he knew at times it definitely wasn’t consensual. He would wait til I’d too much to drink (alcohol was a big part of our relationship) and then “take advantage “ as he laughingly called it. On these occasions I was definitely in no fit state to consent, I would wake up the next day absolutely disgusted with him and myself.

The fact that he felt the need to bring this up recently and “tell” me it was consensual makes me realise he knew it wasn’t, certainly not by the legal definition.

I don’t know what to do now, it’s driving me mad thinking about it, has anyone else had similar experience and if so what did you do?

[Lisa]

Hi Walker123,

It can be very difficult and painful processing the experiences of abuse once you’ve left and are feeling safe enough to do so. I am so sorry that he did these things to you. It is rape to have sex with someone who doesn’t or isn’t able to freely consent. It’s a very common part of domestic abuse because these men feel that they have a right to access women’s bodies as part of their power and control. You are definitely not alone in going through this.

If you wanted to talk things through with a specialist advisor, you could contact Rape Crisis. They offer support to anyone who has experienced any kind of sexual violence at any point in their life. They have a 24/7 helpline and online chat service. You deserve to have support. You might also find the resources on the Bloom website helpful. They were developed in partnership between mental health professionals and survivors and focus on recovery from domestic abuse and sexual trauma.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Walker123]

Thank you for your reply Lisa and for believing me, I’ve always played it down so much in my own head that I’ve convinced myself it wasn’t that bad and it was partly my fault. I’m starting to realise that isn’t the case. I will take a look at the help you suggest. Thanks again.

[Author]

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