How to explain me leaving

[selfish]

I think I could be overthinking this, but my husband knows I’m leaving, knows my reasons, and seems to be genuinely apologetic and taking responsibility for our past. Which is great, won’t change my mind because I’ve made up my mind, but for his and the kids future I’m happy he is reaching out for help. I’ve been keeping our split very quiet, at least until I leave, however he seems to want to talk things over constantly with me and anyone else around. I find this hard as I know he is coming across as remorseful and willing to change and I’m not allowing him that chance to show he has changed. How on earth do others navigate this. I don’t want people thinking bad of him as we have kids and I would hate anything to affect them. On the other hand I am going to look like I just left without even trying. I’ve kept the abuse a secret for a long long time, and even now I have feelings of guilt and worry in case he found out I bad mouthed him. I will never tell anyone outside of my close circle about the physical abuse, and probably most of the mental abuse, but without being able to explain my reasons he will be able to control peoples feelings about me depending on what he decides to disclose. I think people have a preconceived idea of physical abuse from what they see in the media. I’m not walking around with bruises and cuts, but I have had the sting of a slap, or the humiliation of being towel whipped, all has been in ‘fun’ or a joke for not listening. More than anything it was the fear, fear of it crossing the line to violence. How on earth do you explain to those who will want answers and are involved in our life’s enough that they probably deserve some explanation. Like the parents of our children’s friends. They will want reassurance that it wasn’t something that would affect their child, but naturally people will want to blame me for walking out!! X*x

[wildandfree]

Hey I found this quite a tricky one for me. I too didn’t want to badmouth my ex. I didn’t want it getting back to my children. In fact I can’t believe quite how much I protected my ex when he really didn’t deserve it.

Those I did tell, it felt like I couldn’t quite get across the scale of the abuse. So much of it was very subtle – the endless digs, name calling as a joke, the subtle controlling behaviours. When I said it outloud I felt like I was over reacting. I read somewhere recently a good thing to say to people who are not close friends, it that the version of (inset name) you know and the one I was married to are different. And leave it at that.
Don’t feel you have to justify your choice.

Also, don’t be surprised if he plays the victim card. Mine told everyone that I abandoned him when he needed me most. and lots of other things. I have had old friends cross the road to avoid me. But the ones who cared, could see the truth.
What I am saying is, don’t let it hold you back. Hold your head up, you have done nothing wrong! xx

[BlueberryField]

It is probably just him knowing that he is losing you, so he’s trying everything to keep you on the hook, even if it means him ‘getting help’. I could bet money on it that couple months into the relationship his old self would come back to the surface again and you would be constantly gaslighted, saying how selfish you are, how could you try to leave, that you don’t love the kids for trying to break up family for them. It is another way of manipulating.
I haven’t left mine, but mine plays a victim around other making me the bad guy without me even knowing! Only his family knows about the real abuse I endured, because I told them personally, plus they saw bruises on me and he had abused me in front of them many many times too, both physically and mentally. When he wants to win other peoples sympathy he always lies to others about me. I caught him doing this over the phone lying to people that I am with him for his money, when never once I asked him for money, unless because I had literally £0 in my bank and there was no food at home. But never once asked him for money for my own expenses, NEVER! There was a time when I literally had 1 pair of socks and still didn’t ask him for money to buy some. He told people that I am constantly nagging him about the money, that we constantly argue about it and lied once that I am planning to leave him because of our financial situation. He also lied to the couple he knows that we broke up. Once I went (detail removed by moderator) and saw these people giving me weird looks, especially when they saw me (detail removed by moderator). I asked him at home why they were giving me these weird looks and he just said that’s because he told them we broke up?? I knew from before that he was (detail removed by moderator) until she was told he has a family and it stopped. So my guess is he was trying to get to her again. He then just said that he will have to make up a story saying that I went back to him.. Like what?

I think yours might try to act like he has changed just to make you stay, but if you still leave, he will start acting like a victim in front of everybody. So I personally think if he would start badmouthing you to others, instead of badmouthing him, you could just tell the truth about the abuse and say the real reason you left. In this case even if it comes back to your kids, they will now you haven’t called him bad names, but just explained your real reason why you left and that you weren’t safe in that house.

[selfish]

Wildandfree, thank you. You are probably well aware of the anxieties around leaving, and I fully believe he will play the victim, as he thinks he is. I’m very lucky that the people I care about that I’ve told have had a sigh of relief. They noticed a long time ago and have been worried ever since. I can’t bring myself to tell them everything and like you I do minimise it. Although what I do tell I see people’s reactions, and I know I’m doing the right thing. I do find myself comforting them as they feel bad for not intervening earlier. It’s hard to explain that it wouldn’t have helped as I needed to come to this realisation on my own. I would be too ashamed to tell people the full truth as they would judge me for staying so long.
I am exactly the same about not wanting to badmouth. People will see him trying to change and probably being upset, and then if they see me, I won’t be upset so I know to an outsider I will look heartless. On the other hand, I know how to separate my emotions and hide how I’m feeling as I’ve had many years to practice.
It’s so inspiring being able to talk to someone who has been through it, and feels that freedom I hope to feel very soon. X*x

[Glasshalf]

Hi! I asked this same question on the forum a few weeks ago!
I’m now at the stage where I’m telling acquaintances and mutual friends about our split.
I’ve basically said that the environment at home is not healthy/good for me and my kids. And that i believe this is the best for us.
People can see that I’m very cut up about the situation.
Closer people have seen his behaviour (not the worst of it or the relentlessness of it) and have not questioned at all.
It sounds like you’re in quite a similar place.
Honestly, apart from one person trying to push me to give it another go, everyone else has accepted what I’ve said.
I’m also aware my stbx is playing victim and maybe some people will take his side. I think the reality is there will always be some who take their side. I found that hard at first but it’s easier to accept that and not waste energy on that. We need to focus on our people and our support network and our goals.
I hope that helps and i hope you are ok. Sounds like you are doing great! X*x

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, I decided to be open about my reasons for leaving… for me, I had kept quiet for so many years thinking I was protecting my children and even to protect my husabnd so he didn’t look bad (i was so ashamed)… as I said for me I decided I didn’t want to keep quiet, my children are teenagers and had lived within an abusive relationship and survived…
We all deal with abuse differently, there’s no right or wrong, it is an incredibly hard road to.navigate.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, it is all on your partner… my husband suddenly sought ‘help’ for his rotten childhood when we separated..it lasted a few months (he was very vocal a out how he was getting help, he even told me he was calmer! It didn’t last and he went into victim mode).

Big hugs
HFH ❤️

[selfish]

This is exactly what I think is going to happen, and it is so validating to have you all supporting me. At the moment I don’t think he fully accepts I’m going, I don’t think he sees the severity of how much he has broke me. I feel worthless, he has made me feel that way. I couldn’t survive living here forever, I am so desperate to get away and start to heal. I also know it will be a longer journey for me as I’ll have to cope with the gossip about me ‘taking the kids away and not even giving him a chance’. I’m so grateful for this safe space, where I can speak to others who know (sadly) how I’m feeling. X*x

[Eyeswideopen]

Hi hope you are ok.
Like others here, initially mine was also remorseful, saying would change, seeking therapy, doing dishes 🙄
When he noticed I wouldn’t back down, he accused me from not giving him a second chance, even if there were millions of chances while we were together, he just chose to ignore them and only act when it was too late.
I also felt like protecting his image initially out of shame and care for him, but now out of fear his image is all he clings onto.
So I am careful who I tell more details to, and most people are ok with “things just weren’t right anymore, we were not good partners to each other, love ended, but I still care for him as a friend and kids dad…”.
He chose to not be friendly (as expected) but that’s on him. I could not care less for what he says or doesn’t about me to others.
He will never see he did anything wrong or to hurt you. For them, its us who were cruel, destroyed them, and are underserving of how good they always were..
Keep going, and learn to detatch from him. You’ll still need to be mindful of him and strategise to keep yourself safe and sane, but all you’ll do is FOR YOU, not for him. Even if on the outside people may think you are making some things easier on him, we are doing for ourselves, as we know how fast or hard we can push with the change.
You’ll get there x*x

[StrongLife]

It took me a long time to leave after receiving many threats and butt of his jokes and violence.

I found it escalated once I actually left. However I slowly cut off avenues for him to hurl abuse ie phone, email and got lawyers.

It is not easy path but worth this in the end. I too was promised the world, waited and waited for “change” that never came. I’ve left completely and now financially independent of him. I divorce him shortly.

[Author]

Posts