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1 – 2 days before every visit with his father, my eldest child (primary school age) becomes very angry and aggressive towards myself and his sibling. He name calls, threatens and carries out acts of violence, refuses to go to school and demands to go and live with his father.
Has anyone experieced this with their child prior to contact and if so, what did you do to help them?
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I’m really interested in your post because I’m getting the same however the bad behaviour is for 1-2 days post weekly visitation. Pre school age child.
I’m currently reading a book by Lundy Bancroft: When dad hurts mom. Helping your children heal the wounds of witnessing abuse.
I’m not far enough in to to have any suggestions but I’m also interested in some replays and offering you support by suggesting your not alone.
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It’s good to know we’re not alone in this. I’ve just ordered that book, what do you think of it?
I think the behaviour may be confusion. In our home there are routines, boundaries, love, affection and respect. At their father’s house it’s the opposite.
I had expected the kids to play up after coming back from contact, but they seem to settle back into our routine pretty smoothly. The issue is always before they go, which has stumped me.
My impression is that they enjoy going to their father’s house because they can do what they want and get spoiled with gifts, but they don’t actually want to see their father.
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When I was at the Freedom Programme the trainer told me she gave her children clear rules of dad’s rules under his roof, mums rules under hers and leave your “baggage” at the door. It just doesn’t quite fit with such young children.
I’m finding the book really good at the moment I think it’s going to be a long term reference book. I found all his other books so helpful and would very strongly recommend them all.
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My child is always reluctant to go but just goes along with the routine it’s still early days and for a relatively short period of time. He will very quickly become bored of this as they seem to do same activity every week. I dread the days when he really is reluctant to go and I have to force him.
There is a programme run by women’s aid for children witnessing abuse. I’m not sure what it’s called or the age restrictions but I know of people who’ve said it was beneficial. The helpline may be able to put you in touch with a local course.
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It might be because he doesn’t really want to go but feels guilty about those feelings, so projects it on to you, blaming you, because he doesn’t know how to hsndlr those feelings.
He’s probably confused as to why he feels like this, since his dad lets him do what he likes etc, but kids know where the live and concern is under it all. Even at that age, they might not undstand, but they ‘feel’ the vibe of where they are really loved.
My youngest used to be dreadful to me a day or so before he left. My sister said to me that under it all, maybe he was angry that he had to go, and that I wasn’t rescuing him from the situation.
Your son might have a nice time on the surface, but he obviously has some conflicting feelings around seeing his dad. Just keep letting him talk openly to you about things, keep the lines of communication open and let him know he always has a constant in you x
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