How to leave safely

[Strengthinlove]

Hi everyone

This is my first post here – after a (detail removed by Moderator) year relationship which is psychologically and emotionally abusive I’ve finally got the chance to leave as a friend has offered me a room – the problem is – I now don’t have the emotional strength to leave!
He has controlled me like a puppet since I moved in (detail removed by Moderator) ago – he twists everything I say, refuses to have any adult discussion and loses his temper at me over the least little thing. (There’s a whole lot worse which I won’t write about here)
Whenever he’s in a bad mood he’s repeatedly yelling at me to leave his flat (even threatened me with the police ) but whenever I agree to leave he then goes into a manipulative silence (all his behaviour is classic covert n********t but I’ve been told I’m not allowed to use those terms here which I thought was a bit weird)
Basically the couple of times I’ve tried to leave he’s got v angry and as he’s so controlling and manipulative (all his friends think he’s the kindest person, he is very successful in his forks etc) I’m scared out of my wits what he’ll do if I leave (he knows everything about me and I’m just convinced they’ll be a smear campaign.

Sorry for the long post

Basically I’m just asking for any help and advice how to successfully and safely leave without making him angry, if anyone has any advice it’s all welcome as I’m just mentally exhausted now.

Thankyou
Xx

[Strongenough]

Hi,

Sorry to hear of your situation, so good your building an exit plan.
My advice would be to leave without telling him, (when you know hes at work etc), and go to your safe place. The point of leaving is often the most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships and I very much doubt you will be able to leave without making him angry. Remember these men are not reasonable which can be hard to get your head around.

Once you leave turn off you location on your phone so he can’t track your whereabouts. As for the smear campaign, yes this is very often the case once you leave, but in my experience as hard as that is, it’s still less traumatic than living with an abusive partner.

Wishing you safety and peace, x

[Hereforhelp]

Ho Strengthinlove and welcome to the forum.

As Strongenough has said, it is the most dangerous time when you plan to leave and do not tell him….

If you can contact your local WA they will help you with a safety leaving plan.

It took me a while to understand why calling my ex a narc on this forum (he also fits the bill of covert) … the reason is, your partner is an abuser, saying these men are narcs means that they have a personality disorder, a personality disorder of being a n********t is a medical disorder which only a psychologist/psychiatrist can diagnose whereas being an abuser isn’t a personality disorder, it is a choice and he knows exactly what he is doing to you.

Keep posting ❤️

[Bananaboat]

Unfortunately you’re unlikely to stop him having a reaction, he’ll be unhappy/angry whether you stay or go so remember to put your needs first and have safety plans. You’ve had some great advice already and remember image is important to these ppl so if you can have help/witnesses (not his mates!) with you it can help. There probably will be some kind of smear campaign as these ppl always make themselves out to be the victim but that’s not a reason to stay, those who believe it aren’t your ppl & good riddance, and actually I was surprised by how a lot of ppl didn’t believe my ex and always thought something was off about him despite his nice/successful act. Good luck xx

[Camel]

It is ALWAYS mentally exhausting living with an abuser. You need to get away before you can begin to think straight. Worrying about what might happen only holds you back. And as we can’t influence what people might think we should try not to let that stop us doing what’s right for us. We are allowed to leave.

Don’t tell him your plans. You can tell him you’re finished with him once you’re gone. Take advantage of the room while you can.

[Alicenotichains]

Well done for surviving this and recognising that you need to leave. I decided to leave my ex. He was emotionally and psychologically abusive and I just couldn’t take any more. It was awful. I thought I would do the decent thing and sit down and explain my decision to him. We were in my home and we were alone.

That was a BIG mistake. He had never lain a finger on me until that conversation and it escalated, without warning into a full blown physical assault and I thought I was going to die.

If I could go back and do that again, I would at most send a text from a safe place. Or i would just disappear and let him work it out for himself. I think a safe exit plan is what you need. Perhaps WA or the police could help. They don’t like losing control so just be very careful but keep going though. Abuse escalates- it never improves. Life is too short to waste with people like this ruining every day for you. Stay strong x

[Eyesopening]

Wow, I am glad I read this thankyou alicenitinchains.
When I left, I lied, I said I was just going for a few days, he asked me why my bag was so big, I lied.
I was too scared of him to tell him.
I then sent an email and blocked him, I ended up unblocking him as I felt terrible and wanted to make sure he saw my email, he carried on the abuse and I blocked him and have been no contact since.
I felt bad about leaving that way, and he made sure to make me feel bad about that. But I left that life and all mutual friends, I have new social media accounts with only my close current friends. I am sure lots of the people from my old life think bad of me but I really dont care as my inner support circle are there for me and know the truth.
xx

[Strengthinlove]

Thanks for the replies and advice peeps! It helps to realise I’m not alone.
He knows when I’m leaving as I stupidly still want to play fair and be honest.
He will be at work that day so I don’t think he’ll do anything – he already ruined a special day for me (detail removed by Moderator) by turning on me and making me have a panic attack (these are all triggered by him to the extent I’m a stressed nightmare if I know I’ll be 5 minutes late as he’s so angry)

So I just wanted to ask as a couple of you mentioned a support worker from WA?
I’ve emailed them twice and was advised to use the chat but the person on chat didn’t offer me support from WA instead just the nr to a local DA centre ..

Could anyone give me advice how to get a support worker as all my emotions around this are ranging from intense hatred and anger to extreme pain and depression and I feel too vulnerable to do this alone.

Thanks again everyone

X

[Lisa]

Hi Strengthinlove,

The local domestic abuse service will have Support Workers who can offer ongoing emotional and practical support. Some local domestic abuse services will be run by Women’s Aid, some by different domestic abuse organisations but all with the same support.

If you feel able to contact your local domestic abuse service then they will be able to discuss support options available to you.

I hope this helps.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Confusedgirl]

Hunny i am in the exact same boat as you.

I rented a house (detail removed by Moderator) month ago, furnished it, its ready but i cant go!! The trauma bond is so strong, i have felt physically unwell.

Mine is the same, extremely manipulative, gas lights me, twists everything onto me, denies the abuse, says its me abusing him. Love bombs me after a argument, to show how nice he is, and its me whos the one in the wrong..

I hate him, but i cant leave, i cant find the strength.

I have a womens aid support worker, but they dont do much ill be honest. Its so hard i know, really hope you get out xxxx

[Strengthinlove]

Hi Confused Girl

I’m really sorry to hear that hun!!!

Tbh a year ago the trauma bond with me was too strong and although he was really psychologically cruel and I spent days in tears I never left, (which is when he started really taking me for granted) I was kidding myself we could still have a ‘normal’ relationship but now there’s just constant tension daily and arguments he starts (with the odd nice hour or two) and it’s go to the point that I’ve vocalised it enough that I feel brave enough to leave – (despite having totally shattered my self esteem – he made a point when we were together that I wasn’t important enough to be known in his high profile public life)
I’ve realised now he was never emotionally connected to me, the illusion he painted was just that!!

I’ve been financially dependent on him for my accommodation and I don’t even have my own place to go 🙁 so I’m moving to a friends room … but I need to just wake up in the morning without feeling stressed and tense with him there

I really hope you find the strength to leave!!

Write down the nasty things he’s done or said and remind yourself of them everytime you start thinking of the illusion you fell in love with –

Also do you have a friend you trust who can help you? That helped me a lot spilling the beans to someone s couple of weeks ago who persuaded me to leave him

Sometimes you need a face to face to reassure you it’s the right thing to leave

Best of luck

X*x

[Strengthinlove]

I haven’t managed to leave yet.

I panicked as I just feel so alone

[Camel]

Looking back I was never more alone than when I was living the abuse. But be kind to yourself, the moment to make your move will suddenly just happen. Be strong x

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