How to stay strong when we’re living together?

[Lionking]

I’m just experiencing lots of doubt over the past few days and looking for advice on staying strong.

We have to live together for at least another 6 months and some days I look to my future and wonder whether I’m making the right decision by leaving him.

The good days make it harder, when he’s being nice or things go well at home. He tends to remind me after a while but he also has made me feel guilty for not supporting him during a very stressful time in his life.

What do you do to remind yourself that it’s the right decision?

[Sad and alone]

Does he know that you’re planning on leaving? Or have you told him and there is there another reason you have to stay in the same place?

It is hard when there are nice times. Or even times when it’s just not as horrible as usual. If it was permanently bad we would’ve all left or gone mad by now!

I would write down incidents that brought you to the decision to leave and keep them somewhere safe where only you know they are. When you start having doubts have a look at what you’ve written and remember how these things made you feel.

Keep posting on here for support too. Lots of women have been or are going through the same thing and can offer words of advice xx

[Lionking]

Yes, I told him I wanted to separate months ago but he only accepted it very recently.

I’m waiting for a windfall that’s due to hopefully buy somewhere and get farther away.

They’re great tips – I’ll start logging some reminders that I can look at when it’s tough.

And yes, I’ve started posting here more as we’re living separately in the evenings but I still don’t feel comfortable actually doing my own thing.

Thanks 🙂

[silversapphire]

Focus on your own ambitions, maintaining a positive mindset, staying healthy and working towards building the happy future life that you want to have. Remember that you can change your future and avoid being trapped in misery by an abusive ex.

Sometimes abusers will pretend to be kind as a way of manipulating or confusing their victims when they suspect that their victims are planning to flee and end all contact with them.
Many abusers are in the habit of using emotional blackmail, making suicide threats and playing the niceguy whenever they get a strong sense of danger that victims may be learning to mentally isolate against their powers of emotional manipulation.

Take care!

[Lionking]

Thank you and I love your advice. I’m trying to “manifest” the life I want but it’s hard to send positive vibes out given the current circumstances.

But im trying to think about how ill decorate my future home and what my evenings/days will look like etc. So I’ll keep on keeping on with that 🙂

[Bananaboat]

I feel for you right now as I had to live with mine for several months after. It’s a limbo rollercoaster and mine threw everything at me – vile nastiness through to lovely and acting like all was fine. I survived by sleeping in separate room, creating a separate routine (so going upstairs rather than watching tv in sane room with him although this ultimately made me feel trapped upstairs in my own home after several months), I cooked for kids and myself, didn’t do his washing etc and spent time planning my future – even things like looking up curtains. It’s ok to be civil and friendly but he’s going to test those boundaries to see if he can keep you hooked (whilst most likely searching his next supply out). Reading my journal and this forum really helped especially on those days I felt the pull back to him. I also used the time to watch on my iPad or read books basically do the stuff he’d stopped which helped me rediscover the old me.

Mine also laid the guilt on thick – not supporting him, breaking up the family, causing him distress or feeling badly depressed. He even feigned illness but it’s all tricks and even if it’s not, he had to learn to live without you. He’s an adult and remember you’re an empath who cares and wants to help others whilst he’s taking & not giving. Take one day at a time, you’ll be ok down that line and wonder why you ever thought about staying xx

[Lionking]

Thank you Bananaboat!

Sounds very like my experience so it’s very nice to hear someone being in the same position.

I’m doing my own thing in the evening but still feel so suffocated by his presence. He keeps asking to do couples therapy, whether we stay together or not. Says we need to learn to communicate better as if that’s the issue!! He’s also going through “the most stressful and busy time in his life”.

I’m just trying to look forward to a new life but feel so horribly in limbo and there are nights I miss everything.

[Bananaboat]

Oh wow did we date the same man?! I had those lines thrown at me too, plus ‘we need to do couples counselling so I can prove your way wrong’. Avoid the couples counselling at all costs, after all if he wants to learn ways to communicate he can go himself. Apparently we cause their stress but remember you’re not exactly living the stress free life yourself here hubby going through a split whilst living in limbo and you piling your stuff too! It’s just what they do – no accountability, always the victim. I found I became colder and colder towards him but I had to to protect myself. Get out as soon as you can because it won’t get an easier xx

[Lionking]

I’m literally counting down the days until I can leave. I’m trying to be hopeful but realistic and thinking we might be our my Christmas. Sending all the vibes into the universe I can to make that happen.

[Author]

Posts