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I’m just feeling so angry at the unfairness of it all.
I’m angry about all the things he has done to me yet I’m the one who suffers. Now I feel like he is trying to steal my father, as stupid as it sounds. I spent my whole childhood being ignored by my dad and now it seems my husband is his best friend. I feel bad amd ashamed for feeling like this, and my parents know what he has done.
I just feel so fed up that there have been no consequences for anything he has done and my family have done nothing to support me, only enabled him to abuse me further. I don’t know how I can let go of this anger and bitterness I feel. It is making me into a person I don’t like and don’t want to be. -
Hi velvet-ribbon,
From what you have said you have every right to feel angry at how unfair this all is. You might find it helpful to have a read about the causes of anger on the MIND website. It talks about feeling angry as a result of feeling threatened, powerless, frustrated and invalidated.
Your husband will intentionally be using closeness with your father to increase his power and control over you and get himself into a strong position, which is horrible. The fact that your parents are unwilling to see the reality of your husband’s abusive behaviour is heart-breaking and angering. The MIND website discusses how to manage anger, in your case it is justified and it may be there for a reason, to tell you something needs to change.
It’s good to see from a previous post that you may be getting some therapy, I hope that happens for you soon. Keep talking in safe spaces and trying to work out what will be best for you and your children moving forwards,
You can also contact our Live Chat to talk to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence (open every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.
Kind Regards,
Lisa
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Hi Lisa,
Thank you for your kind and helpful response. I has been really hoping to start therapy soon but have not heard any more about it, so I must chase that up.
I tried to talk to my parents again about what I wrote in the post, and they don’t seem to understand. It just made me sound like I was the controlling one and now I’m starting to wonder if I am. Everyone thinks he is great and he is kind and complimentary to everyone except me.
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oh velvet ribbon, my heartbreaks for you. I know this feeling of anger, i wish i had advice for you. I dont as I am in it but please know that you are not alone.
His actions are intentional, he will probably try and minimise any feelings you voice, so its good you talk here, right now its the only place i have x
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Oh yes I know this so well.
Anger hits me hard I blame myself for still being here for putting up with his s**t for not being brave enough to leave.
Guilt and anger. Even with my past Im angry that the men who hurt me live guilt free they go to family events when I cant bare too Im seen as miserable cause I dont go but I cant see them be near them ive tried but it makes me anxious and sick, its not fair.
sweetie, one bit of advice ive got Dont allow it to fester inside.
I self harm and its my release and my god its wrong and I know that but its all I got.
I talk about it because I dont want anyone else to feel like its the only way because it isnt.
You gotta talk you really have to find someone or even write it down or scream in the garden in the shower but let that anger out. Its good to talk to a counsellor if you can find one they will allow you to release that anger safely. Exercise really helps me even if its just a walk it helps clear your head.
Whatever helps thats safe do it get that anger out in a safe way becuase its not nice its not good to keep it all inside it will eat away at you from the inside out.
As for what your husband is doing yeah he knows exactly what hes doing there sweetie your feelings are valid and completly understandable. I hope you find a safe space to talk this through I really do but whatever you do let that anger out in a safe place.
Stay safe stay strong x -
Daffy03 and nbumblebee, thank you for your replies and support. I’m so sorry you are also going through this but thank you for making me feel less alone and for reading my post. I wish things would get easier for all of us.
You are right about finding safe spaces to talk, and releasing the anger safely. I’m so tired of the double life and not being able to tell people. It’s as if by not talking about what has happened these things actually didn’t happen. I made some big mistakes because I did not take my chance to be free of him when I could, when the police were called. I naively took him back and now he is too smart to physically assault me. I don’t even know if I could leave now, when I think about it. After the last 3 decades, I just feel like a sad old woman, just tired of everything, like all the life has been sucked out of me. I have so much anger, guilt and regret. The only thing that keeps me going is my children, who I do not regret, so then I feel bad about having regrets at all because it is all tied together, the good and the bad.
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Word for word yes sweetie I feel you.
You are not a sad old woman as you put it as if you are then i am too and i am sure you wouldnt call me that. Be kind to yourself give you some love and support youve been through so much healing takes time and work and isnt easy when we are still living with the ones who hurt us its like 2 steps foward 3 steps back right? Hey i get you and am right with you.
Have you reached out to anyone? GP womans aid a friend? Maybe now its time to grab a helping hand?
People keep telling me there is a life away from all this that we can be free and that we are not too old, I am hanging on to that its what keeps me upright, I cant see nor believe that I will ever be free but I have to hope.
Sending you huge stay safe and strong x*x
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Oh hun, I think we can all understand you here.
I totally know this : It’s as if by not talking about what has happened these things actually didn’t happen.Not talking about it, being isolated, makes abuse fester.
The forum has been a lifeline to me, plus therapist and my local DA support worker. I have learnt to except others can’t understand, not because they don’t care, but because this isn’t something you know about unless you experience it or are trained in it.A great book is ‘you can heal you life’ really great practical exercises for letting go.
I also suggest screaming, scream in the car, shout in the car, i was doing it yesterday. Saying ‘don’t you dare treat me this way’! In my most fierce loud voice. Finding my fire and my resilience. Journalling also will be very therapeutic, swear, underline, get it all out on paper then rip it up and throw it away!
Xx
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