How to tell my husband I want to leave him?

[LavenderLilly]

How did you all do it? My plan is to have my house all set up then tell him the day I’m leaving. I’m suddenly being eaten up with guilt at just leaving out of the blue. Probably won’t be until mid-late 2025 that my place will be ready. I don’t know whether to tell him in the new year that I want us to split up so he gets used to the idea or just go one day?

He’s got me loads of nice gifts for Christmas and talks of our future (we will be together forever won’t we?)

Should I have a frank discussion with him sooner rather than later or just keep up the pretence?

If anyone has any advice that would be very helpful, thank you ☺️

[takemeaway]

I was in the same position as you but in the end I just told him. He is reacting very badly but that has reinforced that I am making the right decision. Do you have a therapist for support? That has helped me massively. At the end of the day you have a right to make decisions that are best for you

[Piano.Forte]

Hi LavenderLilly. I just want to say that there is information on the Site linked to the Survivor’s Handbook on how to leave a relationship safely could help develop your exit plan. I completed the ‘Freedom Programme’ (number removed by Moderator) years ago and it opened my eyes and mind. One thing I remember is this; careful planning to leave is important “because abusers can become more violent and controlling” if you make known that you aiming to leave or end the relationship.  Your way of leaving will be your decision but being eaten up with guilt about leaving out of the blue, and considering helping him to get used to the idea of your leaving suggests that the ‘caring/empathic you’ is muddying the waters of logic. This person you are with most likely has proven he is unpredictable. Why waste your energy on thinking this person is going to listen to you during a frank discussion with empathy and understanding and respect?  If you want to leave then you have your answer. Why would you need his input. It is your decision.  I think your safety is the top concern over and above everything else. There is also the ‘chat’ on the Site. Chatting with a women’s aid advisor has helped and still help me  me sort out some of my confusion and queries. It is really good to read that you have a plan emerging and you have a place that is being prepared.

I am seeing a therapist who is helping me strengthen my critical thinking and develop my self confidence, self respect and to be more assertive. Two days ago I signed up for (craft name removed by Moderator) workshops in 2025 and this interest and creative practice helps keep me in a good frame of mind. I do not need negative interactions with my husband to dampen my artistic planning, make me feel tired and worn out and worthless. I think researching this real thing called ‘Trauma Bonding‘ has helped me see the stages that finally lead to a loss of identity and passivity in an abusive relationship. I talk about this with my therapist. I find all of this stuff  complicated and uncomfortable but I know there are good people like the members on this Forum, therapist, advisors etc that can help. You seem on the path to making your plan.

So I no longer discuss any issues relating to my new life that I am planning. It has started with my seeing a therapist and moving into a creative activity of (craft name removed by Moderator) in a town that is away from where I live. I am getting to understand I do not need his permission to do anything because I am free and I have always been free. I come first.

 

 

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