How would you respond…

[Gazebo]

Still really struggling here and have had 2 awful days- I’m getting really bad stomach pains and chest pains which I think are probably being caused by stress and anxiety.

He always texts me when I’ve gone to bed so I always wake to something having a go (detail removed by moderator)  is about sex and how we haven’t had it (detail removed by moderator)….how would you respond to these messages one side of me wants to tell him exactly what I think that I never want to do it again but i don’t I try and soften it and end up apologising and arranging when we will nave sex again I feel so low.about all this 🙁 does anyone else have to live like this. I have an appt next week with the local domestic abuse people part of me thinks what am I even going to say and will it all sound like it’s me and where do I start but also feel I need it so much right now:-( xx

[KIP.]

I went through years of this. The bottom line is it is all about you saying no to him. Unfortunately that includes sex which will destroy your mental health. It’s rape when we are coerced into sex. There is no answer you can give him that will stop the abuse because his goal isn’t sex it’s control through sex or any other means. It’s soul destroying and I remember my skin crawling and feeling disgusting. a decent human being wouldnt want to have sex with someone who wasn’t willing. It’s your body and you have the right to say who touches it. The local domestic abuse people won’t be surprised by your disclosure as it’s so common in domestic abuse. Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. There’s a part in that about sex.

[Gazebo]

I haven’t read that I’ll have a look he gets so moody if I say no or if its been longer than a week I do even suggest it now to get it out of tbt way but I absolutely hate it and I just dread every day now until its done I guess then I can relax for a couple of days xx

[nbumblebee]

Hey sweetie,
You know I have this problem too day in day out and its exhausting and often I give in and just let him do what he wants it sounds horrible I know but to me its the easier option but it really is the wrong one. Im going to sound like a hypocrite but my love you need to say no and mean No. You have got to put in boundries rules he must learn to understand that its your body and No means No. Mine gets nasty and i need to learn not to let his words and actions after ive said no get me down get into my head We need to see these men as petulant children playing up cause we said no. Yep its so much easier said than done ive not mastered it yet but gazebo you gotta try.
With regards to your meeting you go in there and you open up that broken heart of yours write it down b4 you go and read it or give it to them to read if its easier but you go and you tell them everything they wont judge they will help you.
You are so brave much much braver than i could ever hope to be youve done the hard part by reaching out dont let go now grab that hand that will help you and cherish it use it.
You can do this gazebo for you for your babies for your life the one that you so very much deserve. X*x

[Gazebo]

Thank uou its been so long now and this time last year I said i won’t be in this position again next year and here I still am 🙁 xx

[KIP.]

The trouble with standing up to him and setting boundaries is this is when he’s most dangerous. He won’t take no for an answer and if he appears to accept your decision, he will be plotting his revenge on you for disobedience. And you won’t see it coming. Dealing with his abuse is a full time job for your brain, it leaves you spinning with no room to plot an escape or rationalise what’s happening. Your focus needs to be getting out of this dangerous dysfunctional destructive relationship. We get stuck in survival mode and he thrives while our mental health and physical health dives and he simply doesn’t care. Trauma bonding is a great topic to research. It was my lightbulb moment. Therapy too. Learn about your behaviour and why you stay and how you ended up here. It’s much more helpful and enlightening. He’s just a plain old domestic abuser. One of many, nothing special, nothing usual. Twisted, selfish, self centred, controlling, dysfunctional, dangerous, destructive, and choosing to be all these x

[Gazebo]

Thank you kip xx I will look into that for sure xx I feel in a daze today and don’t know what to say just feel so unhappy xx

[Secretlife]

KIP, what you describe above is exactly what has happened to me, and the revenge is awful, even worse than it was before. I felt so strong, but now I’m just crumbling again and weak – and he is seeing this which makes him feel in control again. Be careful Gazebo, go to your appointment, it could be so valuable to you xx

[Gazebo]

So sorry to hear that secretlife i hope your ok xx x

[KIP.]

Knowledge Is Power. Know your enemy 💕

[Hawthorn]

Hi Gazebo,
Just wanted to send a hug and echo what KIP has said; this is a very dangerous time for you. Boundaries don’t exist to abusers, it’s just another line for him to trample on and he will punish you for attempting to set limits on his behaviour. In his mind he owns you and your body and is entitled to do what he wishes with both. Telling him otherwise will not change his attitude or behaviour.

Focus on yourself. Your body is warning you of the danger you are in. Consider re-labeling what you’re experiencing; not anxiety, but fear. Could you possibly speak to your GP? Chest pains and stomach pains are more than enough reason to see your GP, and if you felt up to it you could disclose some of the abuse to them so it is recorded. You are very brave to have reached out to your local DA service, please continue to reach out. You need and deserve support.

Take the very best care. You do not deserve this situation, but you can escape it. Sending a big hug xx

[Gazebo]

Thank you hawthorn my doctor is aware as he actually sent me to thr doctor to find out what was wrong with my sex drive and while in their I broke down and told her stuff then so she has stuff noted for me already xx he says your my wife you should want to do this and would never sort himself out so say as why should he when he has a wife 🙁 xx

[Bananaboat]

I don’t know if this is a helpful suggestion or not but with regard to the texts he’s sending you, do you have to respond? I only ask because I used to get abusive texts when at work or out with friends, I used to try to respond, thought I was trying to calm the situation but in reality it didn’t help a jot he liked the game. So now I don’t respond to these type of texts at all and keep a secret record of them, but he’s learnt not to send them as that doesn’t trigger me anymore.

[Gazebo]

He gets really grumpy and moody if I don’t respond and has a go at me for not responding xx I cant win xx I try not to respond but he then gefs really cross so I reply and try and skip over it or laugh it off but he still gets grumpy xx

[KIP.]

Hey bananaboat, I was just wondering if he’s now moved the goal posts as these men typically do. If he can’t abuse you via text message you can bet he’s doing it in another way, possibly one you don’t recognise yet, triangulation is a typical one. Dropping hints there’s something else he likes etc. Again you may think you have gained control but I think you have just moved his focus to another type of abusive behaviour. 🤔

[Bananaboat]

Oh yes sorry he’s not suddenly a nice person, he does use other methods to trigger me but not fearing my phone anymore did help, as I now see my phone as a tool for help rather than not wanting to pick it up. I totally understand this won’t work for everyone and you’re right, be prepared for the game to change if you take the route of not replying. ❤️

[Eggshells]

Hi Gazebo

Can you just switch your phone to silent at night?

I’m afraid I don’t have an answer for the sexual coercion. I just used to get so worn down by it, like you, I just ended up giving in.

If I didn’t give in, sooner or later he would pin me down and rape me anyway. At least by giving in, I had some control.

Eventually I threatened to leave unless he moved in to the spare room and that worked. The demands for sex stopped.

For me, I was the first step to leaving him. I remember he’d been whining, just like a toddler does. He was complaining that he’d been celibate for so long. I remember thinking that I never, ever wanted sex with him again and I knew then that I had to leave.

[nbumblebee]

Gosh so many conflicting views here my counsellor is who told me about setting boundrys and ive also read alot about setting them and yes whilst ypu have only got to do it safely and in a way you wont be hurt but how else do you keep yourself safe if you dont put in boundries?
Yes leaving is the better choice i get that but for some of us like me it is not an option right now. So Ive been advised to try and set boundries. Gazebo only you know whats right sweetie youve had some great advice here from some great ladies but above all else keep safe and keep that appointment. Sending hugs x

[Eggshells]

Hi nbumblebee

Setting boundaries can definitely work in some situations and in some relationships. It works with one of my parents who I have to set boundaries with.

Sadly, my ex seemed to feel so incredibly entitled that he’d accept boundaries around the things he wasn’t too bothered about (even though he’d mock me for it) but mostly, boundaries didn’t work.

It just depends on the abuser and where they feel their most powerful control tool is. Sadly, for many, it’s sex. They have control of your body and your mind – it’s the ultimate expression of control for them.

[nbumblebee]

Sometimes knowing whats best is just as mind blowing as the c**p they dish out.
Skme days i think I wont ever win no matter what I try.

[Eggshells]

I know my lovely. Sadly, you can’t win with an abuser. They make the rules and change them constantly to make sure they win. You set boundaries, they move they goalposts.

[Gazebo]

It’s so so hard – I try not to check my phone in thr night now when my little one wakss but every day or morning they’re is a message of some sort today I’ve had one already saying (removed by moderator)….
It makes me want to cry so much as he wants a response he basically wants me to say something like oh yes me to but it’s never going to happen I’ve laughed it off for now but I know the moody message will come later xx

[Author]

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