- This topic has 18 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 4 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Sometimes I want to (detail removed by modertor). There just isn’t an outlet for all this pain I’m feeling. All the pain is trapped inside with no healthy release. I can’t go anywhere. I can’t buy anything. I have to ration all my food. I can’t do anything.
All my hobbies have slowly been eroded.
I just sit at home struggling to learn a language that is vastly different from my own.
I feel so lonely.
I’ve slowly alienated all my friends. I don’t have any friends in this country.
I can’t really talk to my family, because my sisters specifically said that they don’t want to hear about my abuse because it’s too triggering for them (one of my sisters had also been in an abusive situation). And I understand. Abuse is tough to hear about. So they only want to hear about the good things in my life, or the small fluffy things like memes and gifs. But I don’t have any happiness in my life right now. And I don’t have the emotional capacity for light humor. I don’t want to talk to my brother because I don’t want to men right now. They all seem like monsters to me. And my mother keeps asking me if it’s really abuse. She keeps saying how nice he was when she met him.
I don’t really want to contact the women’s shelter again (although I should probably try). They don’t speak English, so they have an interpreter with them whose from a different organization. And not trained in abusive situations. When I was explaining that I slept, for several weeks, in a place, in the house, that is not a bed, (it’s a hard flat, surface) because I was scared of my husband, she thought it was funny and started laughing. So, I don’t really want to repeat that experience.
The only thing holding me together right now is this forum, my language class (it’s going well), and the non-profits that are helping me.
But it feels like a thin thread that might snap.
I feel like I post here too much. But I just… I’m tired of writing words of pain in journal. Because even then the words feel trapped. Everything about me feels trapped in silence.
I don’t know how to release the pain. It’s just trapped inside.
-
-
For me, the most painful time was when I was just starting to see what was going on. When the scales fell from my eyes. Suddenly I questioned my whole life and it all seemed awful. I felt trapped and very alone.
I wonder if this is what people mean by the trauma bond. That when we’ve suffered so much abuse we just want someone to put their arms around us, but we’ve been isolated and the only people left are the abusers and so we crave and accept their affection and solace even though we know we’re just perpetuating the abuse cycle.In the end I just gave up on finding solace and decided to fight. I lowered my expectations of people and just kept going. I saw myself as a sad little fox caught in a cage. I prepared. When the cage door creaked open ( and it will I promise you) I was ready to go. I went like a shot.
prepare, get tough, go inside and find what it takes, protect yourself, watch, wait, your time will come, when it does you’ll recognize it and you’ll be ready. This may be the most miserable time of your life, it was for me. It will change. 💗 -
Oh my god yes!! This is EXACTLY how I feel! I guess these feelings are, I don’t want to say normal, because abuse shouldn’t be “normal”, but usual. They are usual feelings.
It’s weird that, we all have different situations, we live in different countries, but the emotions around abuse are the same.
Thank you. I needed to hear this.
-
You escaped your abuser? Does it get better?
-
Hi NotYourMaid, yes, it does get easier. At first I was really anxious, for a few weeks. I couldn’t sleep very well and I had stress hormones coursing around my body all the time. It was Yukky, but I just focused on doing one thing a day that moved me a tiny step forward. Some days it was really difficult, and other days it was really easy and I got loads done. But, even though I was anxious I really enjoyed the small pleasures of everyday life even right from the start. Just being free of the heavy hand of his ‘rules’ and criticism was joyful and I found my sense of humour coming back and just enjoyed small things. That’s still there for me and it’s really magic! I take time to chat to strangers, eat sponge cakes, go to the pub, be complimented by the guy in the phone shop, watch little flicks of birds flitting in the trees, work at the (detail removed by moderator), laugh at a joke made by someone I hardly know. It’s all good. Life without being shredded psychologically by someone is just nice. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all easy! I had to give up everything and start again. But, I’d rather do that than be ripped down all the time. Like you, I spent some time sleeping in an uncomfortable place just to get away from him. I’m really sorry that the translator found that funny because it b****y isn’t .
-
-
I started doing the Bloom course that one of the moderators on this website recommended, and I think it’s helping. I haven’t done any of the writing, because I started watching it when he was home. So I didn’t want him to see me writing anything that sensitive.
I’m a bit better. I won’t say ‘a lot’, because it changes so fast. One moment I’m ok, planning and daydreaming about escaping, the next, I suddenly feel like it’s impossible and my mood comes crashing down.
So, yeah, I’m going to finish the Bloom course, then re-take it again, the second time around writing down notes.
Thanks for answering my question. It gives me hope. I know that my sister escaped an abusive situation, and everything turned out fine for her, but she doesn’t want to talk about it, and I respect her decision because I understand that she doesn’t want to relive it. But it’s nice to hear about people who made it out, and their stories, because that’s another thing that helps. Knowing that someone made it out.
Which means that I can make it out.
When my mood is low, sometimes even escaping doesn’t sound that great. Because it sounds like even after leaving, it’s still hard. It sounds like the first year painful.
It’s good to hear that you recovered/are recovering. It gives me hope.
-
I really do believe you can recover and I really believe you will, and, definitely life is much better without having an abusive person around, there’s no doubt about that! I think it is normal for people to come onto the forum and share when they’re feeling worried or low, so maybe it doesn’t give a very balanced view of how people do recover and move on and live happy lives. Like so much in life, our attitude and mindset can have a role to play and we do have some control over how we decide to deal with misfortune. Self blame is a terrible thing, and I think overcoming that is always time well spent. I think when I really realised the deep truth of that, it was a turning point. For me too, I understood that he would never change and so trying to ‘help’ him in any way ( even arguing and explaining and hoping he would understand ) was a waste of time. That was a real moment of moving on too.
-
-
Bad. I feel so angry. And trapped. I wish I could scream in rage, smash things, break things, (removed by Moderator)… I won’t. But all the anger and hurt are pent up and trapped with no way out.
I’ve had several job interviews recently. They’ve all gone badly since my language skills are so bad. The last interview, which happened quite recently (and therefore I’m still hurt and processing their rejection), flat out told me that I have a beginner level of language, and that I need an intermediate level to get a job.
A few days ago, weeks ago? Anyway, recently-ish, I was panicking since my husband barely gave me enough money to survive, so I called my parents, and asked them if they could buy me a plane ticket back to my/my parents’ home country. They aren’t sure, because plane tickets are really expensive, so they probably can’t. My mother told me that I should hope for good things to happen (this isn’t a direct quote by the way! She said it in another language). Anyway, I thought that that was kind of stupid. If I expected good things to happen, I would’ve starved a few months ago.
I’m trying to figure out how NOT to starve in the next few months, since my husband is so unpredictable.
-
Yes, I hear you. I can hear that the casual lack of understanding of those close, those who should be there to empathize and help, is devastating. It doesn’t help you at all.
I pray for you that your parents may be able to get you a plane ticket.
I don’t want to be intrusive, but just for you to think about, are there any assets in your marriage ie does your husband have a property, car, or savings? If so, you need to access them. How? I don’t know, but in the long term, a divorce?. Legal aid application so that you can get a solicitor. If he doesn’t have any assets it makes it easier in some ways, (as legal aid and dealing with solicitors in a foreign language is no fun, although I’m told that google translate has come on leaps and bounds recently.) and your main issue then is just to get yourself out of there. British embassy? I know they sometimes can help people in emergencies.However horrendous it is to keep reaching out to people, keep doing it. In retrospect, for me, I was so glad that I made those calls even though they weren’t all that helpful. Make sure you have a record. When it’s turned around in the future to become your fault, the documentation (even if it’s only a call logged on your phone , screen shot it) is all you have.
sorry this post is a bit muddled, I’ll submit it now so I don’t get timed out.
-
We don’t have any assets, so yeah, that will make the divorce smoother…
I wish I had read your post sooner! I actually deleted my call history to the domestic violence shelter. I was so frustrated that I wanted to punch the phone. Since that didn’t sound like a good idea, I deleted the call history, which made me feel slightly better…
I’m going to keep trying. I found an NGO website close-ish to where I live, that specializes in domestic violence, so I’m going to try then next. Hopefully they can help.
-
I smiled when you said you’d deleted all the women’s refuge numbers in anger! I remember doing something similar myself and it made me smile in recognition! Dosen’t matter, but, in the end one of the uses of these organizations, and also the police to some extent, is not in what they can do in the moment necessarily, but that they hold a kind of ‘official’ time and place date stamp of us asking for help. Email is really useful from that point of view. No one ever seems to reply to them, but they’re an ‘official’ document. Very helpful, even in a foreign language.You can write down everything you’re worried about in your own language, let them work it out. It’s there, that’s the important thing. Stick a google translated version on the end of it if you feel like it. Could it be worth doing this with one of these dv organizations that were recently unhelpful?
Sometimes I came up against “oh well why didn’t you do anything about it” kind of attitude ( even though, like you, I’d tried).Wished I’d been able to scroll through a load of emails that nobody had replied to at that stage!Good luck with the ngo though. What you really need now is food and support, not tactics! So I really hope they can help you.
-
-
NotYourMaid — it’s also very lucky you don’t have a child together, so you can make a clean break when you’re ready and able.
Unfortunately I didn’t realise my ex-husband was abusive until I gave birth which is when his behaviour immediately escalated dramatically into clear abuse. I escaped with my dear baby. Imagine having to do that in a country away from what I know, and away from friends and family would be even more difficult!
Good luck with the NGO, keep us updated. EvenSerpentsShine is correct about the organisations helping to keep a date/time record of the abuse when you reach out to them, which might end up being useful for you if you need documentation later.
-
Yes, InShock I do agree, pregnancy, and after, just becomes a nightmare time dosen’t it. SO glad you got away with your baby and broke the cycle Wow well done, you saved an innocent human from these monstrous people. One of the ladies on the forum said the other day ‘ a monster in a human suit’, sums it up, superb.
-
Yeah! I’m ok actually! It’s the 10/10/10 rule from the Bloom courses on abusive relationships. 10/10/10: are you safe for the next 10 minutes? are you safe for the next days? are you safe for the next months? I hadn’t realized this, but I had been subconsciously doing following this rule even before I knew it’s name. I’m good on the first 2 on the list, but the last one… is what’s making me panic.
I hadn’t posted any thing (or responded) because I was stressing and planning on to make it through the next few months.
I’ve calmed down though… because I think I have a plan… I think it might work… so I’m feeling a bit safer…
With my husband it’s not immediate danger. I call it, The Long Term Game of Pain.
-
oh god! Yes, I’m so gratefully I don’t have kids with him!!
I originally wanted to have kids. I like the idea of having children, I love the idea of holding a baby in my arms and knowing that I made a tiny human… but… after I realized he was abusive, I killed that dream.
That’s how it felt. Like I was killing something precious and wonderful. I cried so hard, for so many days because of that.
But I don’t want my children to suffer. I don’t want them to feel the pain of being ignored by their father. I don’t want them to have to feel as if they have to EARN kindness.
And I don’t want to worry about feeding a tiny human. I’m an adult. I can live ok without all the nutrients I need. Children can’t.
But I try not to think about that anymore…
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
