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Hello,
First time posting. I am so confused about so many things. My husband is so nice most of the time but once a week or so he will come out with the most horrible things- you are a waste of space, fat f**k, (detail removed by moderator) etc this has been going on for (detail removed by moderator) and it’s only recently that I’ve realised how bad it is and how i don’t think it’s normal etc. there are a few things I need help with- I don’t know what to do- I have tried to tell him how upset it makes me but nothing changes. I have started reaching out to friends etc but apart from my best friend who was crying when I told her ( this surprised me) everyone else hasn’t really said anything and are being totally normal with my husband which makes me think is it that bad what he’s like and maybe this is normal.
the other thing is he has started telling the children things (detail removed by moderator) and lots of other things that aren’t true. Also when he shouts at me and I try and talk back/ tell him it’s not ok to speak to me the children (?if they are around) immediately say mum stop causing arguments etc and everything is turned to me. Mybuisband is constantly undermining me so if I have had to tell the children their behaviour is not ok ( if they have been rude etc) he will come in and basically say I’m mad and he lets them off. So I’m feel like I have lost my ability to parent properly. He turns everything around so if I was to break up I’m worried my children will side with him etc. having said all this I know deep down that they love me – whenever they are ill or need support they come to me- but the rest of the time it’s dad is always the right one. I don’t want them thinking it’s ok for people to speak to their partner like he does. But because he is so nice in between i also don’t want to leave as I don’t think I would meet anyone else and the thought of him with someone else makes me really upset- which is also confusing and also makes me feel like maybe he is not that bad . Sorry – muddled post! I hope you are all Ok x*x
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Welcome aboard! Yes, your husband is abusing you and using the children as little tools and basically causing chaos. My ex husband did exactly the same. When we finally escaped the children were awful. It took a while to reset them. They treated me like something they wouldn’t want on the bottom of their shoe.
It’s a horrible, difficult and confusing time. Please keep posting here and seek real life support for all of you.
Women’s Aid is a great resource, Victim Support is really good as well. WA runs the Freedom Programme, and VS Imatter. Both cover the same sort of things and it’s good to be with other women who understand. There are also the national helplines.
In the meantime, keep a diary of some sort, keep notes about the behaviour of the children. It may also help to get a cheap burner pay as you go phone. Your GP can help as well. None of this is your fault, and we so often slip into Fear, Obligation and Guilt.
Your husband’s behaviour was formed long before you came along. Somewhere way back when he was a child, something went wrong and the empathy chip got left out.
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Thank you maddog it’s a really horrible place to be because they just don’t understand and why should they , they are just children. Thanks for you reply, I think i am going to reach out to a local support place because I feel like I have dealt with it as best I can over the years but now it’s affecting my children it’s just too much,
hope you are ok and sorry you have been through this xxxx
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When my children were very small, the elder one started acting out. It went through my mind that it could be something to do with my relationship, and I couldn’t put the pieces together so I shoved the idea under the carpet. I didn’t know what was going on or where to turn. I was trying to fix the problem from the wrong direction and was in denial.
This went on for far too many years and I really didn’t understand what was going on. It’s very difficult when we think of Domestic Abuse as being mashed to a pulp and raped at knife point. My ex husband raped me, except that it wasn’t like in the stories. He created a chaotic atmosphere in the family and did his best to turn the children against me and against each other. I couldn’t be a parent either.
There are so many agencies to support you and the children through this very difficult time. Every situation is slightly different. I’ve found that sometimes it’s a desert out there, then a tsunami of support.
A friend of one of the children expressed sadness that their parents were divorced. They told me they wished they were able to say that it wasn’t sad. It was much better!
People here will also hold your hand.
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