Husband doing a disappearing act

[Allornothing]

Hi all, first post for me. I am in the processing of ‘trying’ to leave. I’m not really sure what I’m doing, reaching out to local resources and awaiting responses. Feel like I’m stuck and don’t know if that’s the way I’ve become over the years. (detail removed by moderator) year old daughter and dog and I want to keep them secure so I don’t feel a refuge is an option at this point.

Bit of history, I’ve had the police involved a lot over the years. I’ve always found excuses for his behaviour but last (detail removed by moderator) was the last straw as he caused damage in the house and my daughter came home to find it and was frightened. He was then drink driving and stalking me in a car which it turned out he (detail removed by moderator). Anyway he came home on the promise he would stop. He hasn’t, I never know if he’s going to bother coming home after night shifts, if he does he is mostly drunk and has even face timed me whilst he was at work drunk. Anyway, I’ve not seen him since (detail removed by moderator), I assume he is going to work as am sure his employer would have made contact?

Anyway, I reported him missing in (detail removed by moderator) and ended up getting the crisis team involved. His son took his own life in (detail removed by moderator) and I know this devasted him. But he told the police the reason he disappeared was because I had a go at him for drinking. The police then put verbal abuse on my record. I was so shocked and disappointed with the police. The story was that he was going to work a night shift and he knows he can’t handle spirits anyway, so yeah I had a go at him. A very quick harsh few words and that’s all it was.

Anyway he’s always doing a disappearing act, but what if something has happened? The mind games and coercion is getting worse, is this what he is doing now as he knows I’ve had enough. Ive not tried to contact him as i know this exactly what he wants but he threatens suicide often and now it’s really playing on my mind. I feel like I am going to play right into his hands again.

I suppose this isn’t really even a question, feel like I am going insane and just want it all to end.

Has anyone else experienced this? I feel like he knows I will go through the anger stage and then worry at which point he will crawl back, cry just with the intention of carrying it all on again

[Camel]

Unless he’s let you know directly that he’s having suicidal thoughts I don’t think you need to be worrying. As you say, he’s probably going to work. And as he has a history of disappearing and coming back I don’t think there’s anything to gain from reporting his as missing either. Besides, unless he’s vulnerable, he’s not classed as missing, you just don’t know where he is. He’s an adult and allowed to take off, however thoughtless and selfish it is.

When he disappears you use all your energy worrying about him when you could be planning your exit. You’ve finally accepted that he won’t change and you want out. Is there a chance you could just not be there when he gets back? If you’ve been offered a place in a refuge you should seriously consider it, for you and your daughter’s safety and security. The Dogs Trust can advise on fostering until you’re settled somewhere.

[Allornothing]

Thanks for commenting. I was woken at (detail removed by Moderator) by my dog, husband was hiding in the back garden somewhere. Has been in bed for over 24 hours. Bottles of (detail removed by Moderator) have been drunk and (detail removed by Moderator). No (detail removed by Moderator) so he’s obviously lost his job again, I just hope no one was hurt but considering his job is (detail removed by Moderator) miles away, I have no idea how he got back or if police were involved.

Hopefully I will push forward with getting out and yes, a refuge might be the only option now as he has no job to go therefore will be at home when I’m at work and I just don’t trust him not smashing the house up.

[Alicenotichains]

Oh my goodness Allornothing, what a lot you are having to deal with. I can relate to the frequent disappearing acts and the enormous levels of anxiety that these unexpected absences can induce, especially when you know alcohol is involved. I would be awake for days at at time, phone around all the hospitals, go looking for him, and then he would often turn up without explanation. It was like he couldn’t be an adult and was constantly flicking his “self-destruct” switch and because we were married with kids, it always affected all of us. Fast forward many years, we are now divorced and my life is so much happier and more peaceful. I can’t believe that I used to endure so much stress. When the time comes, you will find the strength to step away from this person, into a more peaceful life, when you can relax and enjoy yourself without having to worry about his actions or moods all the time.
I tried to save my husband for himself, in the end I ended up getting hurt and even worse, my children suffered in that environment. Life doesn’t have to be like this- you do have a choice. Sending you all the very best, you sound like a lovely person- take good care xx

[StrongLife]

I had a lot of police there numerous times and him disappearing overnight then coming back. One time they blamed me. They did not help with housing etc nor did they refer me to services.

Finally I stopped him from coming back. This was highly dangerous- I ended up fleeing.

In my case the police were of little help.

I too did not go immediately due to kids/ animals – seems they could not really help me. I was lucky I had money in the bank to cover costs of fleeing of which I had saved.

Sorry all this control is happening to you. Please stay safe.

[Author]

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