Husband just walked out.

[veryconfused]

Over the last (detail removed by moderator) years my marriage has become very difficult. My close girlfriends tell me that I am being abused and I should leave. Today I have tried to stand up for myself and asked to be treated more kindly this has resulted in my husband packing his bags and leaving. I was very calm but I didn’t back down and grovel like I usually do when he is upset.
It’s not that bad but I feel like I’m living a restricted life and the rules that apply to me don’t apply to him.

Examples of the rules and behaviors are:

– Reluctance to help with any domestic tasks.
– I have to ask permission to use my phone and say who I’m calling.
– I cannot watch tv or listen to music unless he’s out.
– I am allowed to go out twice per week but this was negotiated after months of issues about me going out. I am allowed to go to the gym and recently been allowed to find a part time job.
– He doesn’t like me having friends and has actively tried to upset my relationships with girlfriends.
– I am not allowed to have male friends but he is allowed to have female friends, including (detail removed by moderator).
– For a long time we only had one car. I was not allowed to use it and I could not ask for a lift to the supermarket without a big scene.
– There have been several birthdays when he has said ‘I couldn’t be bothered to get you anything’ or something similar. I would never dream of missing his birthday.
– I recently had a minor surgery and wasn’t allowed to drive home. He reluctantly collected me from the clinic but didn’t want to get out of the car. After I said I couldn’t walk unaccompanied he came in. The nurse said he needed to look after me and cook dinner as I needed to rest. He still expected me to cook that evening.

He says I am mentally ill and his mistreatment is all in my mind. I am so confused about whether that is true.
I am not sad that he’s walked out and if it wasn’t for the mess it would create I would just start a new life. I never envisaged being a divorcee though and am ever hopeful that he will change or that I can find a way to be happy even with the restrictions he puts on my life.

What should I do? Am I over reacting? Should I try harder to be the wife he wants?

[diymum@1]

He sounds classily abusive and he’s controlling. He is isolating you he has double standards he sounds like he thinks he owns you. Theses are all the things abusive men do. It’s not healthy and he is the one who is not being the husband he should be. He should be sharing stuff and looking out for you making sure your ok. These men tell us we’re crazy we cause this because they deflect. This is you – unfortunately too statistically they don’t change this attitude is engrained xx let him go but I think he will try to come back xx call womens aid to get advice and Have a look at why does he do that it’s on pdf it will all peice together for you ❤️

[Cecile]

It was abusive to not care for you when you came from hospital. I have had similar. That is what he thinks you. You will need to do a mental switch around to fully understand what he thinks of you. The abuse (and your are very abused, by the sounds of it, I expect this is the tip of the iceberg as well) will cause you to become numb to his derisory, violent or appalling behaviours to you and wait for the nice bits which get further and further apart. They seem even better when the abuse has been so bad. We have all been there,
some of us still in it.he does not see you as an individual with a personlaity and needs, he has no empathy for you. Your human rights are trampled on. As said above, he will be back and you will be, in my opinion, so much more at risk. See a solicitor asap and get advice on coercive control, domestic violence,ence, and occupation orders. Read the books suggested. realties you have rights and should not be compelled to do what he makes you do.

[KIP.]

He will be coming back. This is a game of push and pull that they play. And when he returns you can expect to be punished. Can you change the locks and dump his belongings with relatives. Seize the opportunity

[maddog]

Oh Veryconfused, alarm bells are clanging all over the place! It is part of the control that he has left. My ex used to do the same. When you look at the events in themselves they may appear small and forgivable, but when you list his behaviours it looks as though you’re drowning in abuse. Please also give your local Women’s Aid a call and let everyone who deals with the family know what’s happening to you.

This is not of your doing. You can’t control another person and he will continue behaving as he is because it works. You don’t have to continue putting up with it. You can change your situation and your outlook. He can’t. It’s a real humdinger to understand the extent of domestic abuse. There is nothing normal about destroying another person for any reason.

[veryconfused]

Thank you for your replies. I still don’t want to believe it’s really abuse. It doesn’t seem bad enough but then I think of all the things that have happened over the years and realize that it’s not healthy or normal.

He has messaged me to say he is back home. I don’t feel like I’m in any physical danger going home but I would rather stay here in (detail removed by moderator)!

I have been unable to get any legal advice today about my rights if I choose to move out for a while. Now that he’s back so soon I know he doesn’t really want to leave, it’s too comfortable for him. I can afford to rent somewhere but not sure if leaving is the best option. I can’t see a solicitor for 10 days.

I am re- reading Why Does He Do That and I had forgotten how much of it I can relate to. I just find it so hard when he won’t acknowledge that he does anything wrong.

We have also had some couples counseling which didn’t really help because the counselor didn’t recognise his behavior. She made suggestions like ‘do the cleaning when he is out so that he can’t criticize you for the way you do it’ The support worker I chatted to at Womensaid today said they don’t recommend couple counselling. Anyone got advice on this?

I don’t want to have false hope that counseling might help.

[KIP.]

Get your own counselling from someone trained on domestic abuse. Couples counselling just won’t work. It’s you that needs to understand why you’re staying in an abusive relationship and why you can’t recognise this. Meantime keep a journal and write down every single time he’s abused you and how it’s made you feel. Your local women’s aid will be able to guide you too. Read Living with the Dominator book. It opened my eyes. No wonder you want to stay in (detail removed by moderator). That’s your gut screaming x

[Goingthroughit]

Hi my husband has walked out on me and child also but I’m doing my beat to keep it that way like u I used to grovel only because after I really believed it was my fault however trying to tell him how I’m feeling is not creating problems is it.

His abuse includes but not limiting to
No music various reasons
Defiantly no gym his wife will never be allowed sad right?
I have to dress modestly cover cleavage and bum.
Definitely no male friends and some female ones to heck hates me having any mates.
No drinking or smoking
Wants me home all day alone preferably
Told me he wants me home no job but made me work when he needed me to.
No nail polish
The list goes on at one point I wasn’t allowed sandals but me being me I rebelled against some like now I get my eyebrows done I wear sandals I Willis they dare try and go gym he would probably beat me up very sad that sad that me a woman have let someone do that to me.
I am so angry at myself I have walked on eggshells for to long he has had this other separate home a while now and used to threaten me with it.

I’m not as strong as I would like to be because he has already started being nice but I must not let him back I can have all my old friends back live life how I wanna live it go gym for heavens sake

Try your beat keep the evil can’t swear on here out of your life
Message me any time
Might take me a few hours to answer he’s around a lot pretending he misses his daughter

[Escapee]

What really stood out for me in your post was the term ‘allowed’. There is your proof.

Another person does not have the right to dictate what another adult can or cannot do – that is control fuelled by huge insecurities and personal issues.

You are entitled to do, wear, go without another person restricting you. An intimate relationship is meant to be a sharing, safe relationship not a dictatorship.

You deserve to be treated with respect.

Xx

[Wisewords]

Hi

I think this is abuse. I was with my husband for (removed by moderator) years – and it has taken me that long to finally realise he is verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive. He wasn’t like it all the time but the times he was totally blackened the good times. I can’t quite believe I have put up with it as long as I have. He says it’s my imagination and I’m the one that’s at fault cos I break all the rules. Xx

[Author]

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