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My husband is a shouty man, who is prone to angry outbursts if he doesn’t get his way. He has shouted ‘shut the f##k up’ to our toddler in the car recently.
In the car today he’d already shouted to be quite once and as we got home our toddler was still ‘moaning’ (making baby sounds in my opinion) and our eldest said to him very softly ‘be quiet or daddy will shout at you. As I opened the car door I said to my husband ‘you’re having an affect on everyone’. He then shouted at eldest son that he was causing trouble and making him look bad’. He then got out the car and slammed the door really hard.
Needless to say that our son was reluctant to get out the car but I encouraged him and said he hadn’t said anything wrong. I asked him to go in the house, thinking that would be the end if it. As I was about to take our younger son in I heard shouts. I waited until husband had gone out and asked what was said. My son told me his dad had gotten very close to his face, pointing his finger and said that ‘he knew what he was doing and he was causing trouble’. He also prodded him. When our son had long gone to bed I asked husband about the shouting I had heard – he told me the same thing but left out the prodding. I told him our son was scared and didn’t like the shouting. Husband told me that he was trying to play us off against each other.
I don’t believe this. I think he was trying to stop any further shouting. When I got my son to talk it he told not to worry and not to say anything to daddy about it.
I feel his reaction was completely over the top and definitely not right. I’m worried about my son’s self esteem and that he’s dammed if he does say anything (keep peace) and dammed if be doesn’t (more shouting).
Any advice on how to handle this? I didn’t want a are up. I just thought it was a in the moment chance for my husband to see first hand how his shouting affects the kids, I didn’t want to make it worse.
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Hi Robin, just wanted to send hugs to you as I know what you are going through, my husband did this with my kids and it is very hard as a mum because your instinct is to protect your kids from his anger but then the anger is then directed back at the mum or is minimised, he knows what he is doing is wrong hence not admitting the prodding and he is a bully who takes his anger out on children, and you are stuck in the middle trying to keep the peace.
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Hi Robin, I think you’re doing everything you can within the situation to keep things as stable as possible but the thing is it isn’t under your control. Your husband shouts, swears and frightens the children because he is choosing to and you can’t prevent this impacting their self-esteem. My advice would be to seek support to leave as soon as possible. I was advised to leave while my children were much younger but unfortunately I didn’t manage to find the strength and opportunity to leave for several more years. My children remain very anxious and low in confidence. There’s never a perfect outcome when we have children with a man like this, but at least you can be free to provide a safe, loving home and be the great parent you are. Hugs xxxx
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I feel your pain, my husband shouts at my son too and my daughter, he accuses me of being to soft when I show empathy towards them, and try to understand them, if either of them behaves in a rude or tantrumy way I say that can not speak to them when they are feeling like that and tell tehm that I understand why they are supset (can’t use the ipad, can’t find a certain toy/thing to wear for example) but will come and talk to them when they are calmer – he wades in shouting thinking that this is disclipline and my way is too soft. He has a short fuse, angers really quickly talks to me like c**p in front of them. We all laugh it off, I explain that it’s not normal they get it. I will do everything in my power to make sure they are ok, and also teach them that it’s not good to anger so quickly, much better to be calm and understanding, anger is such a waste of energy. It’s tough though that’s for sure x*x
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I think Peaceful Pig points to the problem: we do all we can to try to maintain peace in the house, to try to get everyone to get along, to protect our kids- but we can’t control a man who feels entitled to scare his family and show aggression.
I stayed in that kind of set-up for years, twisting myself into all sorts of shapes trying to make things bearable.
All that happened was that he started doing things in secret to the children when I wasn’t there: his abuse towards them became more covert, because I questioned him on his treatment of them.
Realising this broke my heart ( my son only told me after his dad had left- when it felt safe to do so).
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Hi there, I note you begin with an excuse. My husband is a shouty man. Can I ask is he only shouty with you and the kids. Does he target you and the kids or is he shouty with every day people. Shop assistants, work colleagues? Be careful about making excuses. I did that for a long time. What he is doing is targeted abuse and he knows exactly what he is doing. Unfortunately it will only get worse and this is a taste of things to come. There is a great book called Living With the Dominator, by Pat Craven. My local women’s aid gave me this book. Perhaps you could contact them for help and advice.
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KIP – he can be quite aggressive in his tone but no, he doesn’t shout at others. I noticed last night when he was making a ‘joke’ about me in front of our eldest, that our son joined in and when I looked at my son he made a silly face that showed me he was just going along with dad. It really is very upsetting.
He also tells me that I’m too soft and a p***y and that I don’t have the strenght of my convictions. I know that leaving is the way out but it seems so scary given i’ve already spent half my life with this man. I have to keep going back to the journal I keep to remind me of what he’s said and how he behaves – sometimes I’m shocked by what he said as I don’t remember it – I must just blank it out. He doesn’t recognise anything he says as bad – he tried to tell me he had turretts once! Given he doesn’t speak to others the way he speaks to me it surprisedme a bit. He also must know it’s bad behaviour. He’s mentioned a couple of issues at work and how he feels that someone who didn’t turn to say goodbye to him is bullying him – i just felt like saying have you heard how you speak to us!?
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@Serenity – mine went much more covert abuse with my son after I called him out on his behaviour and told him to leave. My son also has only just revealed the extent of it now he is safe.
Hugs all round xxxx
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My husband had a history of calling the kids ‘thick’ if they did something wrong. When he told my eldest to ‘p**s off’ one night I asked eldest how it made him feel. He said ‘he knew it was his own fault, he should learn, and that he didn’t feel anything any more’. That was the thing that made me see a solicitor – but since then my husband says I’ve made him frustrated as though he can’t tell them off now.
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I feel for you and I’ve been there too. My husband is very shouty and a few times he has shouted at our son in the car to shut up!!! Not sure if he swore can’t remember but he shouted really loudly as he was crying or being grizzly in the car. Many many times when he was a baby he would shout at me when he was up in the night you know just being a baby that couldn’t sleep through yet! He would swear and shout and tell me f-ing feed him. He’s fine with our son if he’s in an ok mood or son being “perfect” but he can lose it with him. And it’s this reason and this reason alone that pushes me to leave him. Every time I freak out about leaving I think about my son and the effect it is going to have on him. Being shouted at. I remember once when he was a baby whisoering please be quiet or you will wake him up! As soon as the words came out of my mouth I thought what am I saying!!! Children have a right to fidget and moan in th car, or cry in the night they are little!!!! I am trying to get out soon as my son is approaching (detail removed by Moderator) and I don’t want him to experience this any more. Hope you’re ok! It’s so very hard x*x
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Liliaclady – it looks like we have similar experiences with our husbands. At first I thought it only happened because we had kids but I’d failed to recognise the warnings signs before – it didn’t start with kids, it just escalated. Keep writing down what he does and how it makes you feel it will help to keep you sane during the ‘calm’ periods.
Has collie – I asked my son how he feels when daddy shouts. He said he wants to hide so that he doesn’t get shouted at. The whole thing is so sad but I can’t tell husband because I don’t k ow how he’d reacts and I don’t want to break my son’s trust. A few days ago he said he was going to ask father Christmas to stop daddy from shouting and swearing – his dad told us both to b****r off!! How can he not no this behaviour isn’t right?!
It’s calm at the moment and I need to get to new year when we agreed to put house on market I’m seriously confused because of the calm but I know it can’t last and there will be an outburst over Christmas but if not I can still walk away (I’m writing it but doing it will be something else)
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My ex’s treatment of our kids is what made me not want to be with him.
My friend said that when my son was little and being boisterous at a friend’s party, my ex muttered to them that he could dance on my sons grave. Over the years, he tried to humiliate and ruled my kids with an iron rod. He was jealous of them achieving anything and liked to rule them by fear.
He threw my eldest’s X box out of the window because he was being a bit cheeky one day. He wasn’t interested in supporting, helping or encouraging him. He just pounced on any opportunity to put him down or humiliate him.
I told my ex I wouldn’t tolerate it, but all he did was carry on being unkind when I wasn’t there, apparently. My eldest was too scared to tell me the extent until my ex had left. My ex was very clever at subterfuge. He told my son he wanted him dead. His own child.
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Serenity that is awful!!! What is wrong with these men, makes me so angry that they do this. Robin I am writing everything down it helps so much during the calm times of which we are currently in now. My husband will get angry with my son like I say if he wakes St night or if he’s being difficult or grizzly. At other times he doesn’t bother with the day to day stuff nappies bath etc only when he feels like it. He will go through a few days of being super dad where he sort of helps out and then he is really loving to him asking him for kisses etc the same confusing stuff as with me. As a child that’s confusing you wAnt a parent where you know where you are, they are loving and supportive but also you know where the boundaries are right? And he’s not like that. And that my motivation for leaving him.
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