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So husband left (removed by moderator), I told him I wanted to separate. He sent a tx last night with a long list of excuses-all about him and how he loves us, but no apologies. Then (removed by moderator) he’s tx to tell me he’s booked himself in for some counselling with Relate and he also wants us to do couples counselling. We have done this before, about (removed by moderator) ago. My stomachs just flipped when I read the messages and that terror/anxiety returned. I’ve had a really good afternoon and I’m actually really angry with him now. What does he think this will achieve? He has no idea about his manipulative and controlling behaviour, when do I tell him? He said he wants us to have a ‘proper chat’ next week. What about what I want? I’m going to ignore those messages for now. Ahhh why won’t he just go away?
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Oh that old chestnut! He doesn’t want couples counselling, he just wants to convince your he does and hope you’ll be hoodwinked into believing he’s changing. He won’t let go because he needs to keep you around. They are lost when they have no-one to use an an emotional punchbag. Stay strong, stay away! xx
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He’s going to try all sorts of things to hook you back in. When you say no to counselling he will use that against you. There really is no way to deal with an abuser apart from zero contact. Do you have a third party that can act as a go between. That he can message for anything urgent. Otherwise he’s going to keep on harassing you until he gets his own way. When that doesn’t happen or he doesn’t get an response expect him to move back in and turn nasty. You need to protect yourself now before it gets to that stage. Get an order in place to prevent his return legally. Speak to a solicitor or women’s aid. In his mind you’re the one with the problem and he can change your mind just like he’s always done. When this doesn’t happen and he realises you’re serious this time, it becomes a very dangerous situation x
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So far I’ve ignored the tx messages and only replied about arranging for him to see the kids. I’ve arranged to meet him in a neutral open place and said i don’t want him coming to the house. Do you mean an occupation order? I will look into getting some legal advice. I don’t think he thinks this is a permanent arrangement.
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Yes an occupation order. Why are you meeting him at all? You don’t have to see him and it won’t go well for you. Start as you mean to go on. Any contact is toxic and it’s a bad idea to meet up with him. Public or not. There’s nothing that can’t be done via text. He’s going to run rings round you and leave you feeling confused and deflated. Don’t do it x
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@KIP the kids wanted to see him and he wants to see them.I’m going to drop them off to him for a couple hours,then leave, not planning to stay with them all. Then he can drop them home. @iwantmeback how many sessions of the couples counselling did you do? It’s just so hard i completely get where you’re coming from KIT though to start as I mean to go on. Ineed to try and be a bit stronger.
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I went for 2 sessions with him and 2 on my own that he didn’t know about, which were arranged by the counsellors as they were so worried about me as I’d contacted then after each session distraught at how he’d treated me afterwards. Couples counselling can only work if abuse isn’t in the mix and the counselor is versed in DA. Which thankfully his/ours was.
As to the children, can you get a third party to do the handover or have someone with you. Put your phone on record too. Keep as journal fir contact, note if he turns up on time, returns them on time. 15 minutes leeway is okay but if it’s every time and gets longer and longer he’s taking the Mickey. Note the children’s behaviour too not just that night but over the following days. Are they more anxious, aggressive, introverted, wetting the bed. Anything that’s just not them note it down.
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id Speak to women’s aid and have something legally binding in place as he can walk away with the kids and not return them and there’s nothing you can do apart from go through the court system. So get something in place. Let the police know too what’s going on. He’s going to push all your boundaries. Want to come in the house and act like all is fine. Maybe the first couple times he has the kids he will blank you or ignore you. It’s all mind games. Not sure what age they are but lots of kids aren’t seeing one parent because of lockdown. A couple weeks won’t matter. Try to get some legal advice. Most solicitors offer a free initial consultation and Rights for Women have a website and a free helpline. There’s also a national domestic abuse helpline. No matter what kind of a dad you think he is, he’s abusive and that’s his nature and when the kids don’t toe the line he will abuse them too. See how long before he starts using them for control.
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Thanks for the advice guys i ended up dropping them off and he brought them back.it was ok although kids were quite unsettled afterwards. I haven’t replied to him about the couples counselling, going to have some counselling myself first. also I will look into legal advice around arranging the contact.
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We did couples counselling after we broke up. Waste of time and in my opinion dangerous for people who are victims of domestic abuse, it’s an opportunity for them to dig up things to use as ammunition against you at a Later date. Also, they then think everything is sorted and everything can “go back to normal”.
It was an awful experience and not at all helpful.
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Thanks @cakeeater3. So far he hasn’t tx me again about it so that’s good. But I’m sure he’ll come back to it. Trying to avoid all contact for now so can start to feel a bit stronger.
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Couples counselling works on the basis that the relationship can be saved by both parties being honest about issues and both parties agreeing to work on the issues. In an abusive relationship the victim can’t ‘work on’ issues. And the perpetrator is unlikely to accept that the problems are entirely of their own making.
Counselling meetings with an abuser are never balanced. Abusers see the mere fact that they have attended as illustration that they are trying. When the victim is honest about how they feel the perpetrator will use this as another opportunity to argue and grind the victim down. If the victim stands up for herself she looks like she’s unwilling to compromise. The counsellor often then sees the perpetrator as the victim and will side with him. It’s not unknown for the counsellor to become critical of the victim. She will leave counselling feeling further victimised while the perpetrator will leave with further ammunition to use in his abuse.
Avoid couples counselling at all costs. There is nothing to stop the perpetrator attending counselling on his own but the chances of this happening are slim. This is because counselling for the abuser is another tool of control, rather than a tool for solving issues.
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My oh instigated sessions himself. After 1st one he made out councillor thought it would be good if I could go too. Did my homework, asked questions about his qualifications, if he knew, really knew what coercive control was. I did a few sessions with my oh and yes they were hard and he used everything he heard against me, even though what was said in those 4 walls was supposed to stay there. I had to contact the counsellor as each session made me feel worse. They even phoned me to make sure I was safe as his behaviour was so erratic. He stopped going, said it didn’t work, the counsellor was aggressive to him, didn’t wan’t to drag up old wounds, etc. It didn’t work in his eyes because I didn’t go back.the counsellor wasn’t aggressive, he was the most quiet spoken man ive came across in a long time who wan’t patronising or condescending. He thought that if he showed my oh new ways to deal with situations that normally angered him that would be a break through, give him a positive role model so to speak. And yes he does speak quieter, it’s a whisper sometimes, but the content is still the same. And of course, he can hear my voice now so I’m accused of being aggressive and shouting, where all that’s happened is he can hear me that’s all. Unless your oh is prepared to go to counselling possibly for years, he’ll never get to the bottom of why he acts and reacts the way he does. If he changes that’s great, but you are not the prize fir good behaviour. Because we need to be rewired as well, we need to be able to not react to him the way we do. So even if he does change, can you say that you’ll never react the way you did around him before, never flinch if he moves towards you too quickly,never start to second guess him because he’s had a s..t day. Our reactions to an abuser are imprinted on our psyche, so we too have to unlearn those behaviours and reactions.
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Mine wanted to do marriage counselling but I refused which annoyed him even more. We have both had counselling on our own middle of last year when our separation started (although no one knows that I have been to see someone). He would keep family members informed of his sessions although he was regularly late and not in long. He would tell people the counsellor was telling him he made big improvements in only a couple of sessions and wouldn’t need many to get him back on track – He finished counselling (removed by moderator) saying his counsellor said he was well enough and didn’t need more sessions he only had about (removed by moderator). We went to the same counselling facility so I know for a fact they wouldn’t have told him he was find or that he was well enough to stop – it was his decision to stop as he thought he had done long enough to get me back. As the others have said whatever you say in counselling he will drag up at a later date, its just giving him more fuel for the fire.
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