Husband with bipolar- is it abuse or bipolar please help me

[Wildstar]

Hi I’m new near so will just briefly share my story because I really am clouded by my husbands bipolar…
Been friends for (detail removed by Moderator) years, together (detail removed by Moderator), married (detail removed by Moderator). (detail removed by Moderator) children together.
After (detail removed by Moderator) horrific years husband was diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder. In the past before diagnosis he has spat at my face, strangled me (detail removed by Moderator), smashed the house up more time than I can remember, (detail removed by Moderator), thrown things, self harmed, overdosed, gone on drink binges for days, called me names etc
After diagnosis, meds have helped but he’s still incredibly moody on mostly a daily basis. He can be so rude, looks at me like s**t, short tempered.
I walk on egg shells most of the time. Behaviour is unpredictable.
Some days are good, but not as I wish they could be.
the (detail removed by Moderator) the other day. Annoying we all hate that, but he shouted and swore and threw the bag in the kitchen whilst me and the children were in the house. I got the courage to ask him what had happened and why did he behave that way. His response- I’m allowed to be angry.
I spoke to him a few days later and said I can’t take the moods and temper and he asked me to help him. All I ever done is help this man. Help him through attempted suicide, missing persons, court and prison… please can someone who is with a spouse with bipolar tell me whether this is abuse or just the mental illness because I’m at my wits end. I’m so sad and defeated.
In the past when we have had issues the tables are turned and he goes missing or tries to kill himself so I have this immense sense of anxiety about saying anything or doing anything to upset him.
He had a horrific childhood, both parents are awful. (detail removed by Moderator).
He’s (detail removed by Moderator) now and I’ve shown him how to love and be a family. I’m sad because I feel he has to TRY to be kind to me, when he should just be kind to me.
Please help me see clearly.

[Darknessallaround]

I’m sorry to hear what you are going through with your husband @Wildstar.

Yes, bipolar can cause a person to behave unpredictably, but it is never an excuse for any kind of abuse. It seems that he may be using it to justify being able to say and do exactly what he likes without any comebacks.

A lot of people have awful childhoods, a lot of people have mental health issues they don’t all abuse their partners.

It sounds as though you have really tried your best to be a support and to help your husband, and all he has done is thrown it back in your face. You are correct in that he should not have to ‘try’ to be kind to you. When we love someone it comes naturally and without conditions.

Please do try and reach out to the helpline or your local women’s aid branch for support. You don’t have to deal with this alone.

[Wildstar]

Thank you for your reply. I think I’m just filled with sadness at the realisation that it’s him as a person and that sadly, things aren’t going to change. I’m grieving for what could have been and for all that I hoped.
X

[Random.]

Hi wildstar, I saw you’re post and funnily enough I had put one about my partner who is bipolar & acts in very much the same ways.
It is terrifying & so hard to know whether he is choosing to behave the way he is or whether it is down to his mental illness. You do try to justify the behaviour in your head & almost normalise it because of that very reason.
It’s so tiring not knowing from not only from one day to the next but one minute to the next what may trigger them to go on a rampage & start hurting you. This is very much abuse & as you’ve said even when he is getting some help with medication he is still behaving in this way which is not right. He is still aware of what he is doing but continues to act in this way yet blames you for his actions.
My OH has lied to me over & over about getting help & I’ve dealt with suicidal tendencies, there have been a few times where police have been involved when he goes missing & once where he was threatening (detail removed by Moderator).
He also had a horrific childhood & anytime we see my family he kicks off massively, its almost as if he’s trying to destroy the relationship I have with my own family.
It’s so hard but try to remember its not your fault & you don’t have to keep putting up with it as much as it’s so difficult to get yourself out of that situation. Please seek advice from your local abuse service & they can help give you guidance & support in such an isolating situation.
Take care x

[Wildstar]

Thank you for your reply. I’m so sorry to hear we have similar lives.
Last night I had a breakdown and basically told him everything. And I mean everything…. I told him it’s now on him to choose what he does with that information but I am in an abusive marriage and I’m beyond sad.
We Havnt really spoken today so for now I’m just watching but I will know sooner then later how my life will be.
But for now, I am just so very sad

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Wildstar

There is no reason for you to have to help him, or be his support. Not once he turns you into his victim, that changes things.

You cannot help him, and you don’t deserve any of what he’s done to you.

If he needs help then he’s the only one that can go get it. There is nothing you can do,and all the while he’s a risk to you and your family he needs to be away from you for your own safety

Once someone treats you this way, even once, the relationship is gone, as he has no respect for you to do this, and we don’t hurt those we love.

Keep talking and finding out all you need to work out what you want to do, and in the meantime do all you can to stay safe. Have a safety plan in place.

It’s abuse,not mental illness that’s to blame.

Warmest wishes

ts

[Eggshells]

I’m really tired so please forgive the abruptness of my reply.

Bipolar does not make him abuse you.

1. Lots of people are bipolar without being abusive

2. He probably doesn’t treat everyone like that, just those he chooses to abuse.

Abuse is a choice, not a mental illness. The bipolar and the abuse are different things entirely.

Lots of the women on the forum had terrible childhoods. It didn’t make them abusive. There are no excuses for abuse. There is no valid reason for it. What makes them abusive is their desire to control. There energies would be much better spent learning to control themselves.

[Wildstar]

You’re all absolutely right, thank you for taking time to send those replies. It means a lot to me.

[gettingtired]

My ex was similar in his horrendous mood swings, threatening suicide, calling police threatening to kill himself to them, anger explosions, violence and controlling ways. There was talk from him and his family over the years as to whether or not he had bipolar disorder but I realised it didn’t even matter in the end. He didn’t treat his friends or strangers the way he treated me, if anything he put on a big front and acted like the good guy. He was able to rant and rave at me and storm off, then walk into a shop and have a friendly chat with the lady at the checkout. It’s never an excuse and as others have said, plenty of us have experienced traumatic childhoods but we don’t go around abusing people in our lives. I understand why you may feel sorry for him if he had a terrible upbringing as I felt the same with my ex and how his parents had treated him. It got to the point where I realised it didn’t matter how sad I felt for him, it didn’t stop the abuse and it was all his choice. I know how hard it is to accept and I think we all grieve for the relationship and what ‘could have been’. Take care of yourself and keep posting here for support xx

[Author]

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