I am almost certain I’m being abused, but he says it’s me.

[Neverendingwashing]

Hello,

I’m new here and this is the first time I’ve ever written my experiences with my husband down, so bare with me it could be long.

We have been together a long time. We have children. He is a BIG drinker.

To try to not to disclose too much, we got together just after I had a very serious illness and it was quite a traumatic time for me. In the first few years of us being together he repeatedly cheated on me, but due to my confidence being on the floor and with me being poorly he was forgiven every time and I was thankful that he showed emotion toward me when he’d been caught as it’s the only time I was ever told I was loved. He’s always been emotionally unavailable.

He’s always been a drinker, he’d prefer to be out with his friends than me; but over the years since we have had children it’s highlighted his drink problem. He will go the pub 5/6 days a week, he will continue to drink at home and he will be drunk.

His family. Horrible people. All educated and professional (detail removed by Moderator) The whole thing is really traumatic. I genuinely believe his mother is a n********t. She is so entitled, manipulative and cruel. When I had my first, she became obsessive and controlling. She would pester me on a daily basis for an itinerary and photos of everything the child had done, from the clothes they wore to who they saw. She would turn up unannounced and walk in my house and demand ti be left alone with child. She was rude, would give me the silent treatment for no reason, but be all over my child. She would shout at me for hogging my child if I were to pick them up. She made me believe I had postnatal depression as I was too clingy to my child. She made things worse at home as she would get my husband to watch me with child etc. she alone is abusive. One day I’d had enough and snapped that she wasn’t welcome anymore. She apologised, backed off then after about (detail removed by Moderator) months I buckled and allowed her time alone with my child which she constantly asked for. Child came home referring to me as drunk and useless, boring and messy (I don’t drink, I’m T total I believe she said this knowing at the time hubby had told her I wanted to leave due to his drinking habits). I stopped her having my child alone and made 0 effort with her.

Husband and I have had so many problems, he shouts and screams at me, argues with me for no reason and at times I’ve questioned my sanity. He has stood over me screaming at me whilst I was having a miscarriage and passing the baby, He called me a fat c**t (detail removed by Moderator) as I said you’re drunk and I can’t talk to you and I’d tried to go to bed to get away from him. (detail removed by Moderator) he was screaming in my face (and he was sober, but hungover) that there is something wrong with me as he thought I was in a mood. He gaslights me and always has. I’ve caught him on dodgy websites and a prostitute has contacted him whilst I was pregnant which he made up some excuse for.

Now since all of the problems with him mum I’ve grown a backbone where I stand up for myself. I couldn’t bare my child being under her control. I realised I’d been a doormat since the git with him and I’ve started to get p****d off. My husband, has always and remains under his mothers control. The whole family have been tarnished by her and have all developed the same Traits. I recognise that none of this behaviour from any party is acceptable and I’m ashamed to write this as I have beautiful children. But that’s why I’m still with him. Whilst I know I should’ve left him before I had children, mentally I didn’t see many issues. Since I had my first they are slapping at me in the face. But I can’t leave him. (detail removed by Moderator) As a family they are super controlling of our children and I’m trapped. My husband, from the outside and to a few, seems like a nice normal bloke. He holds down a half decent job and comes across as quite a respectable guy. People are aware of his drinking habits though, a few people have mentioned it to me concerned.

Since I’ve started to stand up for myself, he’s started to say that he now feels picked on, that I’m controlling etc. he’s gone as far as sitting near a train track whilst on the phone to me, ranting at me telling me how shot I make him feel and threatening to kill himself. After I’d apologised and begged for him to come home he denied he was ever going to kill himself. He stated if I came to that assumption it says more about me than him.

I call him out on his behaviour. I will tell him he’s gaslighting me, he’s being abusive and he’s drunk. I’ve told him that he’s unfit to be around our children alone (whilst drunk) and that they’re starting to see him for who he is. He says that I’m being abusive for this… honestly, am I?

How do I leave him and make sure that my kids stay with me when I’ve seen with my own eyes what his family are capable of… they know thief stuff when it comes to law and courts and I’m completely trapped as I refuse to leave without the kids and with his drinking, and his family, I’m unable to take the risk as I’m scared that somehow they’ll manage to get main custody.

I’m terrified that by staying with him, I’m messing my kids up… but I dread to think what their lives would be like if I was away from them even a couple of days a week. I do everything for them – he does nothing. I mean nothing other than play with them a bit.

Can anyone help me?

[Bananaboat]

Hello and welcome. So much of your story is similar to mine – the drinking, the parents (my ex’s dad and mum were abusive), the brother in law (detail removed by Moderator), trying to dominate your kids. And lovely, I’m recently out, so you can too.

Now is the time to learn about abuse. The more you learn, the less you excuse and the stronger you get towards leaving. I always recommend Lundy Bancroft’s book, ‘why does he do that’ as it really started me on my journey and made me realise so much more than the obvious was abuse/control. Another good source is Dr Ramani on YouTube- others can suggest many more.

The drinking is no excuse for the abuse. He’s choosing to attack you verbally, emotionally etc, he’s not going around shouting at everyone else when drunk is he? No, I’d put money on him being charm personified in the pub. The threats to kill himself and the threats to take kids away, are all designed to scare and intimidate you into complying with his wishes. Like you, mine would say he was going to kill himself or he needed to go to hospital urgently and an hour later act like nothing had happened and go out.

I used to feel sorry for my ex when I watched how awful his parents were, but then realised hang on, you know how it feels to be on the receiving end so why on earth are you doing it to us?! I count myself lucky they have ghosted me since ending the relationship.

The other things to do now are 1) start a journal/log of his behaviour somewhere safe, this will do two things, help you see patterns and recognise it’s not you and secondly, be verbatim evidence should it go to court. Reach out to Woman’s Aid, they have an online chat that’s ace. Consider speaking to your GP if you feel comfortable- as well as giving you help & support it will document things again if it goes to court. Start to move important documents somewhere you can get to them easily or take copies.

Your kids will absolutely be feeling the tension, hear the shouting and be affected by the drinking. I thought I was protecting mine but they pick up more than you realise. You all deserve so much better than this. Good luck x x

[Neverendingwashing]

Thank you so much for replying ❤️. Honestly, to just write it all down and get it off my chest feels amazing… I hope I can be strong I’ve had to put up with this for years and years.

I did start to record him a year or so back on the quiet and sent them to my friend who knew some of what was going on, when he was in his drunken rants and volition behaviour, but because I never left him she got rid of them. Nobody knows the full extent of his behaviour. Many people see him as being ‘lovely’.

I know my kids are being affected… honestly it’s horrific. I’m terrified they’ll have the burden of his drunken behaviour on them though if I do up and leave and the courts see him as being a decent guy, or fall for his family’s manipulative behaviour of being decent people. Mother in law had already tried to manipulate my child, if she was left alone with them for periods of time god knows what she would get them to say/ feel. Honestly, they’re truly toxic with his mum being the leader.

God what’s worse… I don’t know and it’s a question I’ve been to-ing and throwing for a good two years. I need some clarity/ help. I will go on the online chat, thank you. Hopefully, just hopefully this is a start and I will finally leave him. I’m a prisoner in all this and so are my children.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Neverendingwashing

I’m another who could have written your post. They are so similar in their tactics.

This means you have a lot in common with women here, we’ve experienced this, or similar, and can help to point towards various resources for you, and be a community for you to feel you are not alone, find out about abuse and to stand strong against it with us.

There’s lots you can do, and it doesn’t matter how much he blames other stuff, be it drink or anything else, its abuse, used to control and dominate you, and you will find out more in the book The Dominator, or the Freedom Programme, and also the book already mentioned ‘Why does he do that’. These will give you insights into his abuses, and help you to realise this is not your doing, but is the reason you feel the way you do.

keep talking and letting it out; ask and grow in strength with us.

warmest wishes

ts

[Genericusername]

It’s not you. X

[Author]

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