I am back here because I just cant do it alone ..

[Tuppance]

Hello everyone,
I see a couple of names I recognise and I hope you do not mind me coming back after being absent for such a while.
It got to the point that I was so tired of thinking about it and I thought if I could just stop thinking about it all and concentrate on my new life then it would all be ok but that was such a naïve ideal.
So, I finally moved out of my house in (detail removed by Moderator), he still lives in the marital home. The children are with me often but sometimes they spend more time with him.
He has turned into the model dad. Its not a manipulation on his part – he misses them and is making an effort to be a great dad and that makes it hard as much as I am genuinely pleased for the kids. My eldest still hopes we will get back together and praises all the things his dad does. When my eldest is angry he lashes out at me, tells me how awful the new home is, how bad I am, how he wants to live with his dad, that I am no fun. He sees progression in my recovery ( because I am not with his dad ) but he doesn’t associate this improvement in that way and why should he – he is only a teenager.
My little one openly expresses that she misses her dad but they see him so often so its not so bad.
It has taken a lot to get to the point that we are actually talking and communicating well and my eldest sees hope in this that there will be a reconciliation.
My ex knows that there is no going back and seems to be ok with this although he still fails to truly understand or accept that it was his behaviour that caused this.
when I am home on my own I don’t function well at all. I should be happy and doing jobs and housework but all I want to do is drink and sleep. Don’t get me wrong, I do not drink like that, I don’t like feeling drunk but if I haven’t got the kids and I am not going anywhere then I get a bottle of wine and drink it steadily throughout the day. I am smoking so much too which I think is boredom but now I cant contemplate trying to give up just yet.
I used to talk to my mum but now she has been diagnosed with an additional severe complaint that I cant trouble her.
I have got my divorce papers done but I am not happy with the wording but everytime I deal with the solicitors it costs so much money. I have counselling everyweek but I am not sure it really helps but as I am not paying for it ( he agreed to pay this ) then I go anyway just to offload.
I need to get the divorce done but I am scared. I am scared he will hit the roof and it will adversely affect the kids because I don’t know what he will say to them and whenI finally found the courage to tell him it was over he was abhorrent in his behaviour which lead to my having a breakdown and I know I am so scared it will happen again and then dealing with the kids on my own, I just don’t know how to do it.
My friend doesn’t understand although he has been through divorce because my solicitor says I have to list five things to prove the marriage needs to be ended which he says his wife didn’t have to do at all and whenI list five things they seem so petty and I feel vindictive. My ex is not a bad person. I just feel a little lost to be honest and so so incredibly lonely.
Suppose some advice and a hug would be nice please ?

[cupcakes]

Hi – I have only just literally left my husband and taken my children so I am still only at the beginning of my recovery and I have so much to sort out still so not sure how much help I will be other than our situations sounds similar.. so sending you that hug you need and use this place to offload and get the help and advice you need.

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hi Tuppance how are you? Please don’t feel like this. You shouldn’t apologise for being back on here. We are here to help. Break things down into sizeable chunks that you can deal with. You have a LOT that you are dealing with at one time. Divorce is very difficult let alone divorcing an abuser! Just remember that you are doing the absolute best that you can at this time. It won’t feel like it but this will make you stronger. When I have a very anxious, down day the strength that emerges the following day is immense!

The divorce is the hardest thing to get through. Take each day as it comes recognise how your mind and your body feels. Get plenty of sleep and rest. Keep things simple like easy meals so it takes the pressure off you. Try and go for a walk to get out of the house to avoid staying indoors and getting into the trap of actually not leaving the house. Listen to mindfulness videos, put Yoga music on and try and keep your house in as much natural air light as possible, buy a plant for the house and tell yourself you will love and nurture it. Love and nurture the plant and then do the same for yourself! Keep posting we are here for you xxxxx

[Serenity]

Hi Tuppance,

Lovely to see your name again – albeit under stressful circumstances . Please don’t apologise for returning. Its a healthy pattern. We try to go it alone after wonderful support, something happens and we feel the need for support.. all here understand.

Please be careful about demonising yourself whilst giving him too much credit. I take with a pinch of salt his metamorphosis into the ideal dad. I still believe that if a man really cared for his children, he would treat their mother rightly. This could well be for his own benefit in telling himself and showing his kids he’s a good dad – but at the end of the day, I believe once a manipulator, always a manipulator.

Its natural that kids want to think the best of their dad. its the natural order of things. What’s not natural is how thee abusers behave – the chaos they cause, whilst claiming complete innocence. You just need to be there for your kidswhen their dad lets them down. There are all kinds of situations which may trigger your ex to be unkind to his kids. For example, abusers are fine as long as their kids do their bidding. What happens when they grow up, and begin to rebel? You are their safe option.

I sympathise with the wine thing. I was never a big drinker, but used it as a crutch during my divorce. It served its purpose to a point – making me blotto- but I was in an anxious mood the next day. Alcohol increases depression. Can you go back to a counselor and share how you feel? I replaced my need for a glass or two of wine with the gym. Can you find some healthier replacement?

I know it’s hard to take in advice about fitness etc when you feel so low. When you’re abused, you feel so bad. I didn’t feel human. But just to assure you, you are so worthwhile. Make it your mission to build yourself up so you can be there for the kids when he lets them down. He will. And do it for yourself, too.

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

It is hard the divorce beacuse we get emotionally upset, but u know what just ask for advice as much as u need, whenever i get upset about divorce i post on here for support . Your son will have hope for a whille that u two get back to togehter, but again i just think thye need confirmation u r ok nd strong enough to cope, once he has accepted it he will be ok your son. My son did same , beg me for 8 months in different ways, played up for me big time, tole me the new house was horrible and we were worser off, its just the way they adapt to the change

[Tuppance]

Thankyou everyone for making me feel welcome to come back and I cannot tell you what a difference it has made to me to read your replies.

I do feel guilty, to blame, am scared but I know I have done the right thing deep down.

thankyou again x

[Author]

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