I am destined to be abused forever

[Findmyself]

I’m feeling completely alone and lost at the moment. I spent my childhood witnessing an abusive relationship between my mum and dad. Dad was physically abusive to me too. Got with my ex who was physically abusive and controlling in my late teens and finally ended the relationship last year after nearly two decades together. Now my teenage daughter is trying to fill the role of abuser. I’ve tried to put in boundaries to stop her but anytime she doesn’t like this she goes running to her dad and stays with him. She’s done the same this week, was laughing and mocking her sister to the extreme that my other daughter was shaking and curled up in a ball trying to stop her. I intervened and the eldest has fled to her dads claiming I’ve kicked her out and put it all over social media. I’ve text her to tell her the door is always open but I will not put up with the bullying from her and have asked her to apologise before she comes back. I’ve had nothing but abuse back telling me I’m worthless etc. Her dad has filled her full of lies which she wants to shout at me about I just won’t give her the opportunity but know this is what I’ll get when she does come back. I can’t talk to him about it as we are no contact and he will twist what I say anyway.
I just feel like this is my life and there will always be an abuser in it. I’m trying so hard to sort everything with the divorce selling my house working full time. I’m trying to find the strength for this battle too. I have no close friends or family I can speak to. I have a support worker but it takes her days to get back to me. I just feel so alone right now and the only thing I want is a hug and someone to have my back so I can carry on fighting. I think this hurts more that it is my own daughter doing it.

[KIP.]

🤗 here’s a virtual hug. I know how you feel but you need to put your own mental health first here. Especially when you have another child who is being victimised. I had to say to my son that I loved him but I would not tolerate his behaviour. Setting boundaries is really important and not giving them a reaction. That’s what abusers thrive on. Think of the aeroplane when they say to put your own oxygen mask on before you help others. It’s a good reminder that until you’re stable you can’t help others so I’d cut contact now with your daughter. Don’t reply to any abusive messages at all. You’ve told her the door is open for her when she stops being abusive. That’s all you can do and that’s what I have to do. When she does respond with an apology and reaches out then you can re engage but meantime don’t respond. When she realises she can’t upset you, she may calm down and think about her behaviour. She too is looking for a reaction. I’d also close down all social media for the time being. Make yourself invisible to her. My son learned abusive traits from his dad and had that same entitled attitude. It’s a terrible sting in the tail to be abused by your child but they need to learn it’s not acceptable. It’s a painful time but it will harden you each time she deliberately hurts you, take a step back, gather your own strength and reach out to women’s aid or the NSPCC have a helpline too. You’re not alone x

[Sunshineee]

Sending you big hugs you’re doing amazing you really are and must keep telling yourself that too! I’m so sorry for what you’re going through it really sounds quite testing, but you are strong wether you believe it or not. Look after yourself and you’re mental health because this is so important in keeping healthy! You are not a target for abuse and it’s not destined to be like this all your life it’s just simply unfortunate things have happened the way they have, but it doesn’t mean this is the way it’ll always be. Maybe when you’re daughter comes home try do something nice together and maybe drop it into conversation how you won’t tolerate this behaviour and how it’s affecting you then work on building that happy bond. Keep going! X

[fizzylem]

This is alienation; and your daughter is abusive because she is being emotionally abused by her father – he’s manipulating her thoughts and feelings – which damages the mother daughter relationship – makes parenting incredibly hard; also means she never really gets the right help she needs. It’s so hard to deal with.

You’ve done the right thing spelling out the boundaries to her here; she needs to speak and act with respect doesnt she – trying to get them to understand this is maddening once it starts. There may also be very natural developmental identity shaping going on as well in the mix hey.

Seems to me you need more support – I think if you felt more supported you’d feel more able to manage it, and also feel held when you need it. Sometimes we feel like we are alone because we have our heads down trying to deal with stuff and feel we dont like to bother others – when if we do, they are willing to help – are you sure there are no friends and family around? Or is it more you feel unable to reach out to them for one reason or another?

Have you thought about joining any groups and doing some things for you? Thinking a break is important while you’re going through this.

Would your child see a school counsellor? NSPCC would be a good one yes.

Take time out to relax and please yourself when you can x

[Findmyself]

Thank you all. I’m trying to keep going just finding it difficult. I tried to speak to my mum but she finds it difficult to listen to me when I’m hurting as she blames herself for n me being in a bad relationship in the first place. My ex isolated me from everyone else so I don’t really have anyone I can reach out to. I tried talking to my sister a while back but I think it brings back to many memories for her to and she feels frustrated that she can’t do anything so now changes the subject when I try to talk.
I’ve not contacted my daughter since saying I’m here for her and I’m leaving her alone but it’s breaking me. I know how smug he will feel and how much he knows this will be hurting me and I also worry about the long term damage he will be doing to my daughters mental health she already believes I’m mentally insane and a compulsive liar because of him.
I spoke to my GP to see if they could help with how I’m feeling but due to being on lots of other meds for an auto inflammatory condition they won’t give me anything as it will react. He said I have low mood due to my the circumstances and I need to change what’s going on around me to change my mood which is easier said than done. I’m on the waiting list for counselling as are all 3 children so hopefully this will help.

[Findmyself]

Thank you all. I just feel deflated at the moment and like everyday is a battle to try and get my life separated from him. Using my daughter in this way has devastated me and having no one to talk to is just making it worse.
I haven’t tried to contact her again as I don’t want to end up apologising just to keep the peace which is what I’ve always done. Seeing my other daughter curled in ball shaking and crying really affected me as I saw myself in her at that moment and knew I had to stand up for her.
I don’t want to start disliking my other daughter as we have always been close but I just can’t have her behaving in that way I know he is doing everything to turn her against me at the moment and it hurts so much.
I’ve tried speaking to my mum however she blames her relationship with my dad for the reason I stayed in mine and can not cope with my thoughts or emotions. I have tried to reach out to my sister too but I found the same response and she was always trying to change the subject. I have no friends left he got rid of them all. I feel like the two people I used to speak to at work are fed up with me as they make excuses when I’m around to keep themselves busy and I am aware we are at work to work not discuss personal things.
I’m on the waiting list for counselling which is what I feel I need. I saw the GP who won’t give he anything and said what I’m feeling is understandable in the circumstances and I need to change what’s going on around me in order to feel better.

[Findmyself]

Sorry about the duplicate posts I didn’t think the first one had uploaded!

[fizzylem]

Can your mum and sister help to lighten the load in other ways? It’s having someone say ‘I can take care of that for you’ that can often really help when we’re feeling the weight of things. Sounds like they struggle to offer you the emotional support you need, but you can get this from the women on here, the help line and in your counselling eventually – from those people who understand and get it. Parentline, Victim Support and the Samaritians might also be other good sources of support x

[starqueen]

There’s some really good advice here already so I just want to add a couple of things. If there’s a women’s centre near you they might be able to offer you some counselling or some opportunities to make new friends,try different activities that will help you build a support network. Your situation sounds so difficult and you are so strong going through all this. It sounds to me like you’ve never seen what a healthy and loving relationship looks like, and so it feels like this is normal. It doesn’t mean that you’re destined to be abused though, you can have the better life that you genuinely deserve. Keep going and stay strong.

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