I am so angry and embarrassed

[Finkle]

I’ve been trying so hard to be strong this week. I wanted to go back today, but stayed strong when he told me to get over him threatening to hit me, because he was over it. I told him that I wasn’t going to accept him saying that he had changed, I wanted to see it. I wanted him to realise how bad his actions were. It’s not just the threatening to hit me, that was just the last straw. The thing that opened my eyes to his abuse. He’s been controlling me for years, telling me to wear certain things, go certain places, not see certain people. When I moved in with him, it wasn’t a mutual choice. Every time I wanted to go home, he made me feel guilty for wanting to. He was driving me away from family and friends. He punched walls, and threw things, threatened to self harm and kill himself if I ever tried to leave. He isolated himself from people and then blamed me. He would message other women all the time, tell me he never promised not to and made me doubt my own mind. I wasn’t allowed to do things for myself, towards my future. If I wanted to research something it had to be when he deemed it okay. If I wanted to do something to calm myself down, he’d say I wasn’t paying attention to him. He insulted me at every opportunity, would call me ugly, fat, and always said I have a crows nose, despite knowing how self conscious I am of it. I put up with all of this for years, I defended him to others, I loved him. I tried so hard to make others see what I saw, when really I should have seen what they did.

And now, he’s posted a status on Facebook saying that he needs someone to give him advice because he stupidly said he was going to hit me if I didn’t stop arguing with him. I didn’t even argue. I said why can’t you be proud of me after he told me that I was selfish and f**ked everything up. He’s saying that I won’t go back and he’s really trying to change. He’s made me out to be the bad guy again and I hate it. Now all of my friends and his and some other people’s friends that he’s tagged will all know what is happening in my life, but they won’t know the full story. I’m so upset by this. How could he think that is an acceptable thing to do? I want him out of my life for good. I want to be free from him. Why did I ever even marry him?

Sorry for the long rant. I just really needed to get it all out.

[lover of no contact]

Hi Finkle,

Glad you posted for support. I hate when our abusers tell lies about us, paint us in a bad light to others. All my abusers did it. Its typical abuser behaviour and like all the other forms of their abuse, it really hurts.

My abuser mum used to bad-mouth me to our relatives and close family and they would be cool to me thinking I was the ‘problem’ child and the reality was I was a near perfect daughter (my child-like way of trying to control her abuse).

My abuser ex-husband bad -mouthed and twisted ‘my reactions’ to his abuse to my children, his family, on legal documents, to his friends, he tried it on my friends (didn’t work).

My abuser boss and a few work colleagues (who are bullies) speak about me behind my back (well just not me but they speak badly about others too), imply ‘I need to be watched’. So I know how you feel. It really is hard.

My only comfort to offer you, is ride these feelings of being ‘wronged’. They will pass. I don’t care a bit what my ex’s family , his friends think of me. The judge in our case saw through him. And I try to not ‘react’ to my boss and bully colleagues. They have to live with themselves. I can hold my head up high, and so can you! We have done nothing wrong. The truth always comes out eventually.

This too will pass.

[lover of no contact]

Finkle,

When I say I don’t care what they think of me now, that’s after I had to sit and feel those horrible hurt feelings due to their abusive behaviour of telling ‘lies’ about what really happened and painting us in a bad light. It hurts like hell but eventually you will move to not caring. Takes time though and a lot of posting.

Abusers, they really are the lowest of low. They will stoop to anything to futher their own ends and to ‘cover up’ their abuse and to make out that they are the victim. Well they have to live with themselves. With time and support ‘our hurts ‘ will heal but they are left with themselves and they will never heal because they never change.

[Author]

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