I am wobbly

[Oceanastar]

Oh today is not a good day.
I am approaching (detail removed by moderator) being free from him and his selfish controlling ways.
I am not sleeping well, working full time and looking after our daughter who is a pocket rocket – she has barely asked about him. When she does she cries for him.
I feel drained emotionally and physically. I am trying to hold down my job when all i want to do is run, hide and or sleep. I cant get him out my mind.
He is constantly mithering my family saying he will change, i am overreacting and i how dare i stop contact with his daughter. Truth is – he is a raging coke addict which i found out during the lockdown. I have mentioned in my earlier posts abut the hidden camera, the constant accusations i was seeing others, (detail removed by moderator), not letting me use the bathroom unless he could be present because he thought i was using (i have never touched drugs in my life).
I am staying with family whilst he is in our home, he wont leave so i am basically homeless. He wont let me come off the tenancy and i am waiting on DV specialists who i have been referred to. My local authorities have said they can force my name of the tenancy. I am worrying about my daughter, about money,i feel a burden, i am old enough to have my own place but here i am a shell of myself stressed out, panicked and scared. Every time i see a police car i think its coming to me because hes done something stupid to himself – hes threatened me with that before. I am on edge that my belongings will be damaged including my daughters. The car is in my name. I cant think straight. I want a plan and cant get anywhere. I am so lost, feel so utterly alone and silly. His family are useless – they have never supported me. It took me (detail removed by moderator) times to get away and in all honesty i full understand why i went back – i am determined not to this time but by god i need a break. Sorry its a pity party on this today I am so sorry but i need to vent and just put words out there x*x

[KIP.]

Hey, how do you eat an elephant? One teaspoon at a time. Break it down to bite size pieces. You’re going through a lot so be kind to yourself. Each step is a step away from abuse so keep going x

[diymum@1]

I’ve stood where your standing. I remember my daughter asking where’s daddy ? Over and over she was so young it feels like it’s going to break you. I had the suicide threats too it’s all part of their tactics to hoover you back. All I can say is stick with it darling. It gets better with each day that goes by. Your not alone but in years on and I look back now and this horrible time was worth it to get an escape xx this is the hard part but honestly once your back on your feet you won’t look back xx best decision I ever made for me and my daughter x

[Wants To Help]

Hi oceanastar,

I fully understand this feeling. Leaving an abuser is always so overwhelming and the aftermath of it is all consuming in every aspect of our lives. We live and breathe it every waking hour – well that’s what it was like for me anyway.

Abusers will never be fair, never compromise, never play ball, never do what is morally right, so very early on we have to start to learn to accept that and know we are in for a long battle ahead. I have recently learned about the Revenge Cycle and I can see how this works hand in hand with the Cycle of Abuse.

The Revenge Cycle is Pain – Rage – Retaliation – Revenge (you can throw in a Resentment as well I guess!)

So, our abusers’ ‘PAIN’ will be the fact that we have left them. It’s not real pain, more of a disbelief that we had ‘dare’ leave THEM as they always thought they had the control, but it’s enough to trigger the rest of the cycle.

I understand that not having your own place to live at the moment is not easy. I also understand the contemplation about going back to our abuser as it is an easier option to go back than continue moving forward. I was on the verge of leaving my DA refuge and going back for financial reasons, but thankfully, my support worker gave me a very hard talking to about what my life would be like if I went back. I stayed at the refuge and suffered the ongoing hardships that were inevitably to come.

I had no family or friends around me at the time as I’d moved away from home, it was literally just me and my son. I had to build/find a new friendship circle, who very quickly became my support network. My situation started to define who I was and for a long time I allowed myself to remain in ‘victim’ mode and suffer, however, this did start to change as I discovered that for my own sanity I also had to try and live a ‘normal’ life too.

If you were to be signed off work with stress would you get full pay for a certain period of time? If so, then I would recommend you see your GP and get signed off for a little while so that you can deal with the exhaustion and ‘burn out’ you are experiencing from surviving abuse. Would your family offer to look after your daughter for one evening a week so that you can go out and see a friend, either meet at their house, or go to a bar/pub/cafe etc for a drink/coffee and a chat? Go and see a film at the cinema? Something ‘normal’ is required just so that you can switch off from the aftermath of leaving an abuser even if it’s only for a few hours.

My refuge had free cinema tickets and they would give me an adult and child ticket once a fortnight so that I could take my son to see the latest film. They also had free zoo tickets/circus/funfair etc, it was wonderful what help I got from my DA support services, as I too, had no money.

If the car is in your name you are entitled to go and take it. Do you have a key for it with you, or is the spare at your house? If you do go and get it, then make sure he hasn’t taken your name off the insurance without your knowledge (if you are joint policy holders he may have the authority to change the details on it.) Sadly, there is a reality that he may damage or dispose of your belongings, especially if he knows they are of sentimental value to you. I fled my abuser with just a suitcase of clothes and I later found out that he did destroy some precious personal things of mine. I knew then that I’d never salvage anything from that home, but actually, starting all over again was better for me as it was a new start that wasn’t tainted by anything we’d had together.

Your ex is doing his best to wear you down to go back to him, not because he wants YOU, but because he’s lost control. If he is a Class A drug addict then he won’t change unless he wants to change. If he’s saying he’ll change for you then it’s the wrong reason anyway. He has to change for himself, and to do that he would first have to admit to himself that he has an addiction, then he’d have to seek help to deal with it. That takes a lot of honesty, commitment and hard work, and I guess he hasn’t got that in him? If the ‘flying monkeys’ tell you he’s trying his best to change, you could always ask them what drug support service he is going to and what nights of the week is it on?! I bet they won’t be able to answer that one…

Just keep taking one day at a time, some days will be easier, some harder. If you can get some respite for a few weeks by being signed off work I know that will really help you at this time. Just having some time to ‘think’ during the day is so valuable.

xx

[Bananaboat]

Coke is an evil drug and mixed with an abuser, well let’s just say I share your pain there. Your daughter is just lashing out as she’s confused, remember she didn’t know him like you did and everything you’re doing is for her safety and future. She’ll thank you in the long run. If the police turn up on your doorstep because he’s done something stupid to himself remember that’s his decision and not your fault. You sound like you’re having a tough time right now but it will improve and if you go back…it won’t. So keep going, baby steps, you got this xx

[Author]

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