I broke no contact

[orchid7]

Hey all me again … really angry with myself, I broke no contact, no phone calls just messages for a day or so, really overwhelmed and shocked myself a little, first time in over a year I’ve done this. Don’t know how to feel or how to get back to normal it just doesn’t seem to end, will this happen forever? It feels like it will, I am giving up x Any advice on how to come back from breaking the no contact? He was very nasty. Very nice and then very nasty and arrogant and then very nice again! Gaslighting etc etc then mr nice guy! Just feel like I’ve opened it up again and brought it all back, why did I do that!! 🙁

[Hope123]

First, forgive yourself. This stuff is hard. There is no shame in this but it also doesn’t mean contact has to continue. You are in control and you can say no more and stop contact. You don’t need permission. Put it down to experience and part of your recovery is making a mistake in this contact and coming back from it stronger.

[orchid7]

I Hope, thank you for your support xx

[Bananaboat]

Agreed, be kind to yourself. Take it as a lesson learnt that he’s not changed, the reasons you left are still valid. Maybe take some time to work out why you broke it, were you lonely or sad, was there a trigger like a significant date etc and then work on alternative solutions or distractions for those times. Don’t forget you’re breaking a chemical addiction too, smokers often have 1 cigarette then regret it and don’t smoke again x

[orchid7]

Hi Bananaboat thank you for your reply that it is really useful way to see it xx the trigger seems to be him constantly contacting me and then I break 🙁 I am speaking to my local da about this xx thank u x

[StrongLife]

It takes time. I too called. Finally with a lot of help – I did not reply to his abusing texts/calls and emails. Abuse is all I was hearing anyway. I did not need it. Too much bad garbage. I have no contact – it is likely that I will never see nor contact again.

[Dolly2019]

I will add to this that there is a further challenge to come. One thing I strongly believe is that they harangue and pester with calls and texts because they want you to expect and become dependent on the regularity of contact. This boils down to one thing: control. Because when they cease and remove that contact (for no reason seemingly, but it will be another woman) your body is so used to the ‘hit’ of the conflict and the cortisol spikes and the drama, that when they fall silent, the silence can be crucifying. That is all part of the game to make you crack. Love bomb – then silent treatment to make you wonder, panic, then you’ll usually answer the text or the call next time.

Prepare your brain for this. When my ex suddenly started going silent for 2, 3 days at a time out of nowhere, it hurt more than I could articulate. But I knew.

It is all a game. My ex does this now. I have a non mil in place and I let him break it by talking to me repeatedly and showing up.

Of course, now he pops up like a Jack in the box when he feels like it – deliberately baiting me with his absence and then reappearance.

Don’t be fooled by it. They are already cheating on the new one doing what they do and it is all part of a sick game of control.

See it for what it is. Healthy people don’t do that. They don’t abuse to start with and then they don’t enjoy torturing someone afterwards when it’s over. Only a sick puppy does that.

Stay strong x*x

[Author]

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