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Sorry sorry sorry me again I know but things have just gotten so much worse i cant believe this is actually happening to me i really cant and im so so scared.
My closest friend has messaged me telling me they dont wanna spend time with us over christmas due to his hirrible behaviour towards me she feels she cabt keep quiet and is worried she will make things worse. I have never told her about what he says ir does apart from the usual girly chat about husband never have i spiken of how bad it really is.
I love her honesty but now am left feeling guilty lonley and so full of regret that i couldnt keep holding it all together that i shouldve been better at pretending all is ok ive ruined a lifeling friendship because i couldnt make my husband happy.
I dont know what to do now where to go what to feel to say i just feel like my whole life is falling apart and im to blame.
What have I done. I cant believe this is happening. -
nbumblebee please don’t think you’ve lost your friend! They’re obviously concerned about you. Now they have let you know they see how you’re being treated could you maybe use them to help you make some progress somehow? I don’t know if you’re thinking of leaving? I know personally that absolutely no one knows how my OH has treated me. Not that I know of anyway. And that is so isolating, so for someone to recognise it, could they be some sort of support for you?
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Nbumblebee… I wanna hug you! . Your friend questioning why/how you would stay with him sounds so blaming on you but it isn’t YOU who has done this Nbumblebee, your husband is the person responsible…. your friend has sensed/seen his behaviour and she doesn’t understand DA…
I can sense your anxiety coming through Nbumblebee…you haven’t done anything wrong…
Keep posting … we are all here for you
HFH ❤️ -
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Nbumblbee oh I hope you are ok. This time of the year is so s**t for us. I have been in a similar situation myself. And also I tried to hide it and make him out better that what he was. People pick up on it no matter what we do. your Friend has went in hard on you especially at this time of year but people who are not going through DV don’t understand it’s that simple to leave. I know my family think I’m an absolute doormat but how do I tell them I’m scared to leave. Get through the next few weeks as best you can my dm is always open if u need to speak to someone big hugs xxxx
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Thank you.
I just feel so low as if everything is coming to a head now ive spent years pretending as nobody else saw or heard but now having someone see makes it real I guess feels like now I have to do something about it and I dont know how. The thought of breaking up my family kills me inside. I just cant see a happy ending. X
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Hey @nbumblebee , this situation is so familiar, I used to have a friend who told me the exact same thing, eventually I did lose contact with her but not over this, I lost it because I listened and was afraid of my partner and it was better for me not to contact anyone, so eventually we drifted apart and when I totally ended up ghosting her she decided to part our ways and never talk again. I completely understand her for why she decided this way, but it was my fault, I could’ve kept the friendship but didn’t. Same with my family they have said this to me before few times too why I let him treat me this way, how long am I going to let him do this to me, etc, etc. And you do feel so attacked when your close people say this. But I want to believe that they don’t mean to hurt you by saying this. Maybe they truly don’t understand and are trying to figure out?
As for your friend, maybe she didn’t mean it in a bad way, that she doesn’t want to spend time with you, but it was more like, she noticed that you are treated bad and she knows she would end up snapping at your husband. Which means, she also could understand that if she snaps at him and says something it could make him think that you’ve been complaining about him to your friend and this would cause a massive episode of abuse? And she is just trying to prevent you getting hurt?
I would maybe ask her out or come to your place for coffee or tea when your husband is not at home and talk to her? There can be many reasons why she isn’t answering, and not necessarily because she doesn’t want to talk to you.Sending you a big hug and please know you are not alone in this! We are all here for each other! And like I said many times before I’m always here to listen and my PM is always open. Xx
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Thank you blueberry I am so grateful for your reply.
Just feels like we have enough to navigate with our partners let alone taking on others worries my counsellor has always told me to reach out to my friends and well now one has seen youd think they would help not hide but it feels like she is protecting herself and her friendship with him and again im left to cope alone.
Maybe im just being selfish.Husband is asking why we arwnt seeing them and has started getting nasty about her now he seems really down and i feel so full of guilt. This is just all so hard eh?
Hope you are safe sweetie xx -
I know it is harder done than said, but please don’t blame yourself for this!! You have done nothing wrong in this. It is NOT your fault your husband is abusive to you. If you said you never told your friend, it means he showed his true face in front of them once or more. He should feel guilty for this, not you. They are always blaming us for everything! I even read in the book yesterday where it said, these men are called ‘Mr. Right’ and they will always blame you for things that you have even nothing to do with. That’s because they do not want to admit their fault and be held accountable for their actions.
If he loses a friend this is HIS fault, he shouldn’t disrespect and abuse you in the first place, on top of this he makes other people uncomfortable too with his behaviour. You can’t control how he acts or thinks, but do not blame yourself. I constantly get blamed for every single thing in the world. I even told him once that it is probably my fault too that there’s a war going on in the world. -
And I do agree with other on here, people who have never been in an abusive relationship, they will never understand the fear or the feeling where you feel so stuck and trapped, when you want to leave but feel like you can’t. To me it’s like being held captive, but without being locked in a room with no windows.
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nbumblebee
You have no control in how either your husband or your friend behave.
This isn’t your fault.
Your friend doesn’t understand and I’m sure every women on this forum has said I would never let a man treat me like x,y,z
That’s what abuse does, you can’t change things and all you can do is adapt or leave and unless you’ve been in a abusive situation you won’t understand how powerful it is and how you most definitely are manipulated and trapped. This is not you or your fault it is your husband’s fault.
I’m hoping she’s a good friend and maybe soon you can have a deep discussion with her and explain what it is really like. She may not understand but it may shed some light and she may begin to understand in time. She maybe will help you at some point, as you know it takes time to understand and get your head around what we go through.
I know Christmas will be difficult and having people around does help sometimes. You will get through it, I will too. But it’s something I’m dreading and you are too. Keep posting on here, I’m thinking we will all be supporting each other during Christmas on the forum so many of us struggle during the holidays.
You’re stronger than you realise lovely lady keep on going, hugs CB X
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Thank you for your support as always CB.
It just keeps getting worse here and im at a loss i really am.
Ive somehow gotta get through xmas and find a way to keep going for my kids cause right now all i wanna do is curl up hide sleep and never face the world.
I went out with an amazing group of people and thought how lucky i was they put up with me im always on the outside scared to join in with conversations etc this time was tough because he was texting me (detail removed by Moderator) he wouldnt talk to me b4 i left so i thought id be in trouble when i got home but i stead it was the silent treatment (detail removed by Moderator) its feel sorry for him treatment and i do i do feel bad for him i feel really guilty and i cant shake that guilt.
We just have to get through the next week as best as we can right.
Stay safe CB xxxxx -
I just need to keep talking im so sorry.
So i went out and he was gowl b4 i went and gave me the silent treatment whe i returned. Whilst i was out he messaged me and accused me of having an affair so i had to send.him a picture of the girls i was with.
Now he keeps making small digs at me having new friends i wanna tell him what am i supposed to do he is driving away our close friends.
Weve talked well hes moaned and ive tried to explain he asks why im not loving dont i fancy him i tell him how can i when hes so mean he says he been stressed about my health now ive had the all clear he isnt stressed he was all over me and i kept pushing him away its like now ive got the all ckear he can jump on me for sex regardless of how he has made me feel
I have tried so hard to tell him how i feel about how nasty he has been but he cant see it he just makes me feel guilty for not being loving and im not not at all but how can you when you are spoken to in a nasty way? Should i try and make more of an effort? I cant but wonder if i could try harder.-
You don’t need to try harder it wouldn’t change the situation. I’m dreading Christmas too we r going ti be with my family and his attitude is herrendous. I was thinking of saying I’m not feeling great to get home early my whole family who I’m very close to are all looking forward to getting to it drinking ect and I’m dreading it. Well done for going out I do still go out he moans sometimes but I go whenever I can you need it. I hope tomorrow is ok for you it will be tough your friends went in hard on you at Christmas but unless your in a situation like our you don’t understand. Have the best day you can doing what u can to survive it I just focus on the kids. Next week it will be all over. Xxxxx
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Oh hunny, this sounds so tough. It really looks like he is trying to stop you having friends by making it so hard for you. But it’s important that you do keep going out.
They can never see how their behaviour doesn’t make us feel safe to be vulnerable and intimate with them – it’s the opposite!!
In my experience you can try as hard as you like, do everything the way he wants it, be as nice as you can and you know there will always be something you’ve done wrong. The problem isn’t your behaviour, it’s his xx-
Thank you so much.
Again a fight it started off as a talk he was telling me how sad he felt that i had friends and he didnt after being at (detail removed by Moderator) all afternoon with his mate i said that wasnt my fault that i cant help that why should i not go out but he couldnt see it so as always it ends up him blaming me for not loving him for having an affair and he walks out.
I try and try to talk to him but he wont listen and says im not listening. The morning started so lovley i was worrying about how i had moaned on here and now he was being lovley and i was happy for all of half an hour b4 it turned again.
My head is pounding!!!!!
Can i ask do others pretend? When they are being nice do you relax a bit do you try and just enjoy your life a littke? Do you feel guilty when youve had a good day?
I feel terrible when hes been nice he has actually first time ever (detail removed by Moderator) he did say how gratwful i had better be but he bothered and thats a first so now i feel so guilty for being here.
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Oh nbumblebee I’m so sorry, I can feel your torment through reading your posts , bless you… A message like that from a friend knocks you side ways. As others say, you cannot control how your friend or he behaves and none of this is your fault . Your really vulnerable right now so his behaviour is having more impact, he knows this.. maybe time to go grey rock … Show him no reaction. Don’t buy that he’s upset himself load of rubbish I guarantee it, and even if he is, so what!! He doesn’t care about the distress he causes you does he?..
I hope you are ok,sending you strength and hugs xx
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I pretended all the time and the reality is that there were some good times, some genuine moments when he was nice to me, the kids and appreciated us. and I do believe he really felt it in those moments.
But it always without fail, ended and something I said or did would set him off to saying horrible things to me, intimidating and manipulating me.
It’s not wrong to want to believe he is just the good stuff. It makes life bearable.
But it isn’t you that causes the bad stuff. It’s always there in him, waiting for an excuse to come out.
How could someone who loves you treat you so badly. It’s not how loving relationships are supposed to be.
In the end for me, I just could no longer deny that he did not want to resolve any of our issues and what future is that?
Sending hugs x-
I needed to hear this Thank you.
I just feel so guilty when i do let my guard down a little i want to enjoy xmas with my kids but always feel so guilty laughing etc when inside im actually screaming out to run and run far.
Thank you for letting me know im not alone in that.
Stay safe and I hope christmas is a good day for you sweetie or as good as it can be xxxxx -
Sending love and strength @nbumblebee
Any guilt you are feeling belongs to him. Also, you do deserve to have a bit of joy in your life, even if it is just in that moment. And in fact, celebrate when you get to feel a touch of joy in the moment.
Don’t feel guilty about that at all. You are a person with needs.
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Understand this. I would have ex ridiculing friends when they came over – then on my back about being jealous of the friends and harassing me about them. Eventually they left. I have also had friends who I reached out to only to let me down
Sorry to hear this -losing a friend is always a difficult time.
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