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Hi. Ive been apart of the Forum for a while but haven’t been able to write. Maybe I have been to scared or I just haven’t really know what to say.
I’m sat here, With a tight feeling in my chest awaiting an update from the police because i finally reported my ex partner and he is meant to be in for an interview (removed by moderator). I felt like I needed to put it into words and share how I’m feeling. I guess I just wanted to know if the way I’m feeling is normal. I feel like the worst person in the world right now.
I have known him for a little over (removed by moderator) years now and our relationship, it started around (removed by moderator) years ago. When we first started it all seemed too good to be true. We liked the same things, felt like we gave each other the things we hadn’t previously had and it became something serious quite quickly.
Him and his ex had broken up not long before we started seeing each other and he moved in with me straight away. Pretty soon after I realised he drank a lot and took a variety of different drugs ((removed by moderator)). I knew he drank previously but I wasn’t aware of the extent as before, we weren’t around each other as much as we were when he moved in.
There had been 1 or 2 incidents before he moved in where he had got really drunk and caused a scene, got angry, stopped me from leaving the house and got slightly rough during sex. The day after these things happened, he would apologise and say it wouldn’t happen again, there would be a gap of ‘normalcy’. I believed it.
Once he moved in, the drinking got worse, the drugs got worse, his mood swings got worse. He would disappear until late at night, be on the phone to ‘friends’ late at night ((removed by moderator) and girls), He would get into a state and call me various names (a joke, a C**t, A t**t, a child etc…). He would tell me he was more intelligent than me and use words I didn’t understand. I was (removed by moderator) while when he lived with me and he would leave me for hours, I couldn’t stand up, cook for myself, get a drink for myself and therefore I couldn’t take painkillers. If I asked him when he’d be back, he would say soon, or ignore it. He would tell me that looking after me was hard work and no one would could do a better job. He’d then tell me to do it for myself and when I couldn’t he’d laugh and say ‘thats right, I have to do everything for you’.
There was one incident where he grabbed me by the arms and was screaming in my face. He told me I would never find someone who will love me as much as he does and after this I asked him to leave for good.
I took some time away and he told me he was stopping the drink and drugs because he didn’t want to lose me, he saw a therapist and ‘got clean’.I let him back in but he didn’t live with me, he moved (removed by moderator). We started seeing each other more and more and speaking all the time again. I thought the drinking and drugs had stopped but there were times where I would question it, but it had calmed down a lot from the before behaviour and it calmed for long periods of time.
But over time I realised his behaviour might have changed because of the lack of drink and drugs but his behaviour was still there, it had just become more subtle. Most of the time he was just ok but every few weeks he would kick off, again with the name calling and blame. Said I broke him, caused him to lose his relationship, home and job. Told me I needed to stop seeing my therapist and see his. Said I caused him to have a breakdown, I manipulated and controlled him and I caused all of it to happen. He would question the photos I would post on social media, ask me who I’m trying to please and get angry because I didn’t tag him or mention him in the comments. Question who I’m messaging and what I was writing in my diary and sometimes I know he read it because he would say things that I had only written in there.
He’d then wake up the next day and apologise, beg for me to forgive him and say it will never happen again, he loves me, wants to give me the world, I’m his everything and his only reason to live. I believed it, every time.
This happened on and off for around (removed by moderator) months. I tried to leave completely more than once. The first time, he took and overdose and after he would bombard me with messages until I replied, again telling me he couldn’t live without me, wanted to die and how much he loved me. Until recently, Two things happened where I saw a line and he crossed it.
The first, We were having sex, I asked him to not ejaculate inside me (I’m not on birth control). I asked him on more than one occasion during the inter coarse. He did anyway and told me he couldn’t pull out in time.
The second, He showed up at my property uninvited and from what I could take from it, intoxicated, after an argument with (removed by moderator). I followed him home because he refused to let me drive and I wanted to make sure he got back ok and after quite a hectic evening of him arguing (removed by moderator) and me trying to calm him down, he pinned me to (removed by moderator) and wouldn’t let me go, even after I asked him to and told him it hurt.
It took me a week to say anything to anyone and then I told my sister and then the police.
Since then its been constant but nothing all at the same time. He has told me I will never find someone like him, be loved like he loves me and then when I haven’t replied, he’s got nasty, saying its all my fault. I took me a while to agree to a statement (they still haven’t taken it), say yes to them taking my phone because I have screenshots (he wipes the chat), recordings and videos from our time together (they still haven’t take it) and they have failed up until now to find him for a face to face chat and I still don’t know if they have seen him or not.
He’s been given over a week without anything. I have been told by someone else involved that he has told his solicitor none of it is true and he denies any of it.
I’m so scared i’m not going to be believed, That this is me over exaggerating and making something bigger than what it is. I guess I just want to know if I’m imagining this and if I’ve done the right thing.
I’m scared in general. I don’t know how to get through this part and I feel alone if I’m honest.
Its taken me a lot to write and I’m sorry for the ramble. I hope you are doing doing ok and thank you for listening.
x
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You have definitely done the right thing, don’t ever doubt yourself. I’m sorry I can’t give you any answers or advice apart from that. Well done for reporting it, you are so much braver than I could be.
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Did you feel loved during all of it (that’s a pretty good indication of how someone’s treating you) and this “love” he apparently had that no one else would have for you would you really want someone to love you like that again? Abusers “always” rush us in the beginning (they want to seal the deal) they mirror us to bond quickly too in the beginning as you’ve said (liking everything we like) it’s just a manipulation tactic, they don’t take “any” responsibility for their part of anything (unless there’s a gain and even then blame us or remind us something we did/said still mirroring and trying to evade) he’ll never admit and will probably say the therapy was for your abuse of him (it’s just what they do) in their mind they’re entitled to do, say, act how they please and that includes hurting you, disrespecting/violating your boundaries (snooping/checking/not listen to what you’ve asked) you did right to get out, I hope he can’t have contact with you again as a way to manipulate you and control you for whatever reasons 💗💕💗
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If I’m honest, no I didn’t. There were times when he did make me feel loved but If I really think about it, I felt less than.
It makes sense when I read it like that but trying to get my head around it all is proving quite difficult.
He was arrested (removed by moderator) and has been released on bail, Under the conditions he does not contact me, a third party involved with me or come near me and the investigation will carry on from here.
It’s all a bit of a rollercoaster and very overwhelming. I’m trying to figure out what means what and why I’m feeling so awful about having reported it in the first place.
The crazy thing is, I did and do love him. But my view on love is and seems to be different to his view.
Thank you for you advice and support 🧡
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