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Im so lonley i dont wanna be here anymore i dont wanna live this life. After a stressful xmas one where all he did was moan at me then a row with our kid (detail removed by Moderator) as he was sulking as i said no to sex now another row just a row about sex he said how ive changed how i dont show affection i told him how i dont feel sexy or wanted he said (detail removed by Moderator)!!!
I said if he couldnt support me get used to me working then id leave he slept in (detail removed by Moderator).
(detail removed by Moderator) said he didnt wanna argue but for now he would stay in (detail removed by Moderator). Made me feel like its all me and it is i know it is ive changed but only in a good way if he could come with me help me support me but he fights so hard against me and i dont know why. I dont wanna do this anymore i cant help but think is it best to give up my work? Im so tired so woen down I cant think anymore i cant do the normal daily things my head is such a mess I have no friends he pushes them away my Personal Trainer who helps me some times seems like hes had enough nobody really gets how hard this is.
I think i want to leave him I do but I cant seem to go I cant seem to accept and make plans to move on. The kids what would they do?
I cant break up their home their lives its easier to stop all this stop working stop going gym stop trying to have a life and just be here for him for the kids it was so much easier that way happier even as we didnt argue like this.
This has gotten worse since I started fighting started seeing maybe its not good maybe i should just stop and give it all up.
I dont wanna wake up anymore I cant keep fighting. -
So sorry you’re feeling like this. It is all very overwhelming and these situations cause such ups and downs and hard days.
If you can, please don’t give up your work, it can be the mental escape that we need to get by as well as keeping you with money coming in.
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I’m not much help but just wanted to give a light of hope for better days x -
I’m so sorry you are feeling this way . I understand the feeling of just wanting an “easier” life and to do as they say/ want… and make yourself so small that things feel like they will be “ok” – except I think you know too that taking away all the things that get you out (gym and work ) will likely make you feel even less okay.
Have you been in touch (even via the chat? ) with your local women’s aid at all? I did eventually before leaving and I think just saying it out loud to someone really helped see from the outside how not okay things were…
It’s a different “hard” now but nothing like living together was.
I’m not sure how old your kids are? My guess is they pick up on how hard things are at some level … you aren’t responsible for breaking up their home, you are keeping yourself (and in turn them) safe, and that is something to be proud of.
How can we help? x -
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Oh nbumblebee I get absolutely every word u said I feel I could have written it myself. I came to my family’s today my son was cheeky and a family member turned to me and said I don’t know how you cope he is the living image of his dad. I have been so so upset my head is spinning and my heart hurts. I hope for both of us this year bring us what we need I’m here every step of the way with u hunny stay strong. X
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Im so sorry me again. He has (detail removed by Moderator) cone to me crying saying that he can hear himself but he cant help but feel like im having an affair he wants to know where i am look at my phone for me to proove im not. He said he would see a counsellor i said yes you go but he meant us both I said he needed to sort his head not mine. He was crying begging me not to leave him. What do I do now?
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I’m so so sorry that you are feeling this way. My heart breaks for you. A lot of what you describe is exactly the same behaviour of my now ex. Please hold on to your job. My job isn’t great but it was totally my escapism from the awful life I had at home and I’m glad that I stuck with it. I needed an outlet where I could be me even just for a few hours. I truly believe that doing this has somehow even me the strength to leave my abusive marriage. We’re with you always.
Take care xx -
I absolutely know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but this is a positive step. You are setting and enforcing boundaries and saying things that show him he’s not got full control. In turn he’s throwing every trick in the book at you – nastiness, sobbing, offering to get help etc, triggering you by saying he’ll sleep elsewhere not you. I know it feels impossible but what do you do now – nothing, stick to your guns as long as you can. Know it’s ok to cave at some point, you’re only human but you’ll probably find you start to say no a few more times each time you do it. You leaving or him leaving is a long way down the road, maybe never but for now you’ve taken a really big small step forward. It’s scary but you’ve done it, you said no so take a minute to be proud of yourself amongst the angst & mayhem x
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It’s not collapsing don’t worry, it’s readjusting. As someone else already said, once you see his actions you can’t unsee them. He’s pulling at the strings he knows work and mine ping ponged between nasty, nice, suicidal, silence, crying etc – anything to get you to cave in. I’ll say it again – be proud of yourself in this moment as hard & horrible as he’s making it right now x
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I’m not sure this helps but one of the reasons I stayed so long was that I was worried about the kids having to move and disrupting their lives. They are older teens and lived in the same place sll their lives and even though it was c**p, there is comfort in what you know. I know they were anxious about living somewhere new but I can say, hand on heart, that it’s the best thing i could have done for them. You need to keep your job and the independence it gives you. That’s why he wants to take it away. Because it won’t get better, he won’t change. He’s likely to get eorse, knowing youve got noehere to go. Why do you have to give things up so that he’ll do something for you?
Mine also wanted couples counselling after I told him it was over. He wouldn’t go on his own. Because he didn’t think he was the problem. He wanted to get a counsellor to validate all the things he said about me. And it would have worked because he’s so good at telling a story, his version of events. I refused to go. I wasn’t playing those games anymore.
I know it’s exhausting. But just keep going. Baby steps. -
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Aww I know just where you’re at and it’s because you’ve changed as you say.
Others have said so many times once you see you can’t unsee is this why we are both struggling with this.
I’m not backing down at the moment I’m not eye contact and no physical contact I can’t I can’t forgive how he has treated me recently and my mind is just going over every moment of when he has been awful to me or our family.
Stay strong lovely your making steps and really moving forward. At your pace though in your own time x
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It got so so much worse.
He told me he had read my phone.
Private messages to my counsellor.
I said it was a friend and that i needed to talk to someone i had mentioned my counsellor and pt he asked who they were i managed to swerve it he seemed to accept it but went on about me having an affair and that he wanted to check my phone again. I stayed calm said i had nothing to hide. He didnt but im certain this will carry on. Hes all loving now. This is why he came to me isnt it not because he felt bad and had seen what he had done its because hes been found out right???..
Now what do i do??. -
He’s worse as you’re more aware and he’s probably stepping it up and switching things around to gain control and keep you in a spin.
It’s not right he’s looking through your phone you should have privacy.
I’m not very good with advice. But remind you’re of all the ways to stay safe.
Thinking of you nbumblebee perhaps now might be a good idea to get support from local services or ring the WA phone line? Keep your phone charged and with you x
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Oh nbumblebee I’m so sorry things have been worse. It’s not okay for him to be going through your phone – when you see you counsellor next are you able to let them know what’s been going on , could they help you make a plan? I didn’t know where to start when thinking about leaving or even if any of it was really abuse… it’s so hard to see the next step sometimes.
Keep reaching out x-
Ive tried making a plan so many tines. I was so sure i was gonna leave after all of this then last night he was nice kind really seemed to try and bang my head goes back to this cant be abuse.
I want to bang it against a wall and say look see believe but I just cant seem to.
Deep down i know this calmness wont last hes alredy expecting sex no apology etc he is blaming his health condition.
Im never gonna go am I.
This is gonne be my life and I b****y hate it.
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You know, I do genuinely think that my ex felt all the things that he told me – when he cried, he felt genuinely hurt. When he was angry, he was feeling angry. So it was hard to think that he was abusing me. In the end though, I couldn’t reconcile his behaviour with someone who was supposed to love me and want to care for me. All of his actions were self serving – they were only ever about how he felt, how sad he was, how angry he was, how scared he was of losing me (because he treated me like rubbish). Even know after nearly a year apart, he has done no self reflecting, no awareness of how his behaviour affected how I felt. He justifies it all and holds me as someone who has ruined his life. I didn’t ruin his life. I just took back control of mine. He could have been a part of it if he had shown just the slightest hint of self awareness or acceptance of his part. But he didn’t – he could for a while but he could never maintain it.
He was kind last night because he knew that you were on the edge of leaving. And what would he do without you around to be the butt of his moods and to give him what he wants. I know its hard and it feels like you will be stuck in this loop forever. I’m thinking of you, sending you hugs. Just take one day at a time for now. -
Thank you all so much. You have held me up these past few days.
He brought me flower, never have I ever had flowers!!!
My heart says hes really sorry he sees how bad he has been at last.
My head saus hes seen how now I see him for what he truely is and hes trying to win me back.
What on earth do I listen to? -
I don’t believe these men change, maybe for a few months here and there.
Maybe to make us think aww hes being nice, or that he’s changing.I blamed myself and believed I was the one that had issues.
Others told me he was n**********c but I chose not to listen.only you no you truth, your time will come when no in your heart.as to what you listen too, you listen to what your gut is telling you, plz keep talking.remember u are important -
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Last post from me cause im sure im doing everyones head in.
We talked alot. He said he felt angry and jelous as if im having an affair for years now and he knows what he has been doing how he has behaving he says he knows but he cant stop he says theres something in his head that he cant get out. Ive not been totally honest with him he doesnt know my trainer js a man nor does he know i see a counsellor so he does have a reason to question me but if i tell him this even now he will go mad and it will have to end. This fills me with utter guilt he has been so honest with me. No sorry he has just accepted what he is doing. Maybe he read more of my nessages than i thought. He said he wont go and see anyone but is willing to try and understand. He wants to come with me see my work so he says he can see what i do just once. He says he wants to join a gym i told him mjne was women only (a lie) but i dont want him there i said id look into one for him. I dont think he will go
I want to believe him with all my heart I need to give him a chance he did say that he didnt know how long it would take him to get over this which worried me. He said he was willing to try.
I dont know what to believe my counsellor says its a tactic and to be careful i want to believe him so much. I dont know if I love him anymore if I can forgive him but surely after decades of marriage its worth a try?
I know you cant tell me what to do but any advice id really appreciate ladies.
Thank you xxxxxx-
Honestly? Its reading to me like he’s trying to find more grapples to control you with.
“theres something in his head that he cant get out”
^^^ That is not your problem and you’ve done nothing to betray his trust.
You should be allowed to have a personal trainer regardless of gender.
You should be able to visit a counsellor and keep it discreet. That’s your business, not his.
You should not have to show him where you work in order to satisfy his insecurities. I mean… to me, that request is absolutely absurd!
I feel like he’s reaching for places to see so that he can surveil you better and find more ammo to use in keeping you feeling under control.
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If it helps… in my case with my abusive ex…
He has said he had mental health problems where he’s threatened suicide more than once and refused to engage with services to help him.
My ex’s mental health problems are not my problem… I wasn’t the cause, and I’m not the solution while I can support him. And during those times, he was using that excuse to gain more control over me so I’d prioritise him, even over our own children and over my work. I did for a bit, but after the 2nd round where I went above and beyond to help my ex access services to help him, he still refused treatment. After that, it was doubly NOT my problem.
I have male colleagues at work who I am quite close to as friends. My ex has never questioned me about the quality of any relationships there. Further, a few years back I went to the gym to try to get fitter. My personal trainer was male. That subject never came up with my ex.
In years past, during my marriage I had gone to counselling (detail removed by moderator). Once for suspected PND. Once for trying to cope with new challenges while I was (detail removed by moderator) to go back into work. And a (detail removed by moderator) for EMDR and supporting holistic therapies. Never did my ex question me on those. That’s because I let him know, those were my business and not his.
And my abusive ex has never asked to see my workplace. He has visited there along with me on a day when I was (detail removed by moderator). So he got to see a mostly empty office, since where I work, we are remote-first. Even so.
I don’t know how you’ll be able to see yourself out of this corner that you might have painted yourself into… but all of the above demands that your partner has made are unreasonable, and I believe are geared to keep you under control.
Keep posting to let us know how things are going. And stay safe xX.
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I know just where you are, I never got flowers or did my husband organise date nights. He has done both since I’ve changed, often and especially when I’m distancing myself from him. But after decades together it’s so very hard to except if it’s really all there is and that they can or can’t change?
I know my husband can’t change. He’s like he is because it’s a mindset he has. His upbringing (n**********c mother, drunk abusive emotionally distant father) his attitude to life, his opinion of women and their worth, attitude towards sex, it’s all about how he views the world that’s him and that won’t change.
What I’m trying to say is that’s in his head too, same as your husband I’m guessing that’s what he’s trying to explain.
It’s very, very hard I know as all we want is the best bits to be real, to be able to work through problems in our marriages and ultimately live happy and contented together. Unfortunately we both know this won’t be the case and after he’s tried and got you where he wants the bad bits are certain to return, you’ve known him for a long time and he’s not seeking help.
I know it’s so very hard, but keep your head strong and have in mind as already said it’s tactics to get more control. He wants to get involved most likely to get closer but to gain more knowledge of what you do, as knowledge is power for him.
If you can reach off to local services as I just worry he may step things up, he’s aware he’s loosing his grip on you.
Thinking of you x
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Nbumblebee… You have changed in a good way, you have grown and started to put boundaries in place (or try to as your husband doesn’t want your boundaries, he wants you on his terms only)..
“He said he felt angry and jelous as if im having an affair for years now and he knows what he has been doing how he has behaving he says he knows but he cant stop he says theres something in his head that he cant get out”
He admits that he knows what he is doing and has been doing to you all these years Nbumblebee and he has said that ‘he can’t stop’ … because there’s something in his head he can’t get out? He hasn’t been honest with you, he isn’t broken… who were his tears for? His tears are for himself don’t believe they’re for you as he knows what he is doing to you.
If he truly accepted what he does to you and was genuinely devastated he would be seeking help, he would tell his GP how he can’t stop himself controlling you, belittling you, demand sex as if it is his due and all the other things he says and does to you.. ..
He isn’t being honest with you… how many chances have you given to him over the many years you have been together?
He senses a change in you (these men pick up changes fast…. he has no right to even ask to see your work place (he said ‘just once’ to make it seem acceptable… he knows it isn’t acceptable, same with checking your phone ..As awful as you feel, as hard as your journey is he has given you something by admitting he knows what he is doing.. Next time he is abusive remind yourself that he does know exactly what he is saying/doing..
You’re welcome to PM me
Thinking of you
HfH ❤️ -
As others have said he’s saying what he thinks you want to hear…and it’s working as you’re thinking about forgiving him aren’t you.
You know you’ve got a ton of incredible advice here, but I also know (as do many of us here) that we often have to feel like we’ve tried everything, given him every chance and exhausted all options before your brain goes, ok that’s enough. Or, that request is too much – he’s now trying to invade your safe spaces like work & the gym, making those spaces anxiety filled like home. Its ok to give chances as long as you know you still have options. x
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Its weird its really weird. He is trying talking all the time about how he feels. I told him he is making me feel bad he keeps going on about his head how he cant get things out his head. Ive told him he needs to talk to someone but he wont. He says when hes with me its ok but as soon as we are apart his over thinking kicks in. I feel suffocated but because he is trying so hard to keep his temper to be helpful and open and loving I feel like i cant say anything. Its like a child who so wants to pleasde always asking me if im ok if he can help etc. Its just so weird but yet i feel such a b***h for not trying as hard as he is.
Why did he have to rwad my phone? I could almost cope with how he was b4 this is something new i cant handle. X-
at the very end mine went full on trying to say what he thought I wanted to hear and what others needed to hear him saying, it is not the same as trying
he was posting endless “happy” photos of us and I was left wondering what on earth he was going on,.
I also kept asking him to get help and he wouldn’t. The morning he told me it was over and then immediately regretted it because I packed a bag to go – that is when he finally called the GP.
It is all manipulation and control, it isn’t about making you feel ok, its to make you be there.
stay safe x
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100% this, same here.
Notice his narrative is all how HE feels, HIS head, how he’s not willing to get help and loads the burden onto YOU- he’s ok when you’re there etc.
This isn’t someone wanting to fix things or who cares about how you feel. It’s control, and making out he’s the victim / one suffering – not you x
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I understand how difficult it is especially when pushed for things physically you don’t want to do.
It’s hard to actually know when to go and consider your kids in all of this.
What I was saying to myself at the end is – What do you want – continue on with this or face years and years of this with no improvement?
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